Late night 07.15.25

 

So I deal with not horrible anxiety, but it gets pretty bad. And it has been bad for the past few weeks going up and down which in turn my emotions and attitude does get affected. 

I sat in bed today thinking if I am so easily forgettable, or that my absence in someone's life makes no difference what importance do I even hold. Which then causes my mind to spiral. And once my mind spirals I start becoming undone in ways where I am normally grasping at the fraying ends trying to tie them together before anyone else will notice, which makes me feel like I am falling and can't grasp anything. Even if I am just sitting there, my heart feels like it's in my stomach and my stomach feels like it's in my chest and nothing feels right while my mind racings along with my heart. I usually do floor time to calm myself but somehow it hasn't been working as well as it usually does. It could be the sudden change of my routines and I am just trying to find my own footing and not doing well with that. 

8D audio has been suggested a few times to me, to have my focus on the sound to slow both my mind and body back down. I have never given it a go...but this evening I did because I needed to calm and refocus and become grounded down badly. Weirdly enough...it works. It also scratches the back of my brain in such a way that my thoughts just get turned off. 

I'm going to try and sleep early tonight. I haven't slept before midnight in well over a week. But I'm also a lot calmer than I have been since June ended. Small steps are still steps. 

Does that mean I don't want to talk to him non-stop? To update him about every silly little thought that pops in my head and be in the middle of peace with his full attention? No. I always want that. But this is at least helps me calm down since I no longer have any charms are the softness when things get too heavy for me and I don't know how to start a conversation or try to but fall just short of being able step out and say something.

Anyways, til tomorrow.