Saturday, November 4, 2017

Great Month

I cannot lie.
This month has been 100% amazing.
My laptop died while I was working on my thesis. Now, normally that would upset me. But it didn't. I had a small freakout, but recollected myself. Yesterday I received my new laptop. Named it Dean. It is a nice laptop, I had so much fun setting him up. -smiles- It has nothing on it. Parents spoiled me, told me I deserved it and they were waiting for my birthday to send it, but since I need it now, I need it now.

And, I been feeling emotionally great. Talking to Matt every day since I think July. At first I messaged him cause we lost touch and he is one of my best friends and I wanted to talk to someone who I didn't have to explain anything, or ask anything personal. That is how we work. We only talk personal when it happens. Not the past. So since all of my friends usually asks "So how was -insert name-" and then go off on a huge thing where I don't like dealing with it, I figured I'd give Matt a message, even though he wasn't on facebook much.
And he actually answered pretty fast. -laughs-
Now 3 months later, we have talked from when he gets up, til when he sleeps. Every single day. When he is at work, he still messages me, telling me what is going on, he gets very funny customers. Hahaha. Since I am single, and have only 8 months left, I decided to put together a plan on my life. Nothing better to do. So I ran it through Matt, to make sure it isn't too unrealistic. And he jumped in saying, "I'll move in with you, wanna get out of my home too. We'll split the bills." So yeah, why not right? Would make the moving out and saving a lot faster.
Near the end of September, beginning of October, Matt decided to ask me something important, dealing with his family. If I was willing, next year, to possibly go up north with him and his family to his hometown. Hell yeah, I was willing to go. Hah, I mean road trip with a best friend is something everyone wants to do. I also know if I am back, Matt's mom would have asked me if I wanted to go. She usually asks me to join in things, so shocking Matt did.
So 2 weeks pass, and break starts, and I keep going out with my thesis group, trying to get it done and whatnot, and during the time I still messaged Matt every day. He got upset with me because I kept telling him "I am out on a date" and sent him photos of my thesis paper. -laughs- Apparently, that made him think I didn't take dates seriously. Which I do, but because I just wanted to make a joke. So he ended up telling me "That is not how it works." So he told me that "a date is between people who are interested in each other, stop calling every outing a date." And I complained cause I want dates but since I decided not to date anyone that Sondra, Ileana and Matt doesn't approve of, that kinda gets rid of my dating life. I tend to attract creeps, lesson learned, after Ashe and I stopped dating, all I tend to get afterwards were creeps who end up stalking me or harassing me for sex. So yeah.
That caused Matt to say, "Then think of the road trip as one long date to make up for not dating." And I said okay. Hahah. Cause, why not?
Now skip to a week later, my mom lecturing me on when will I get married, why don't I have a boyfriend yet blahblahblah, and how I was becoming a disappointment to her cause I am becoming 25, and I show no signs of actually moving forward towards a steady relationship. While my mom lectured, I was messaging Matt, cause I tend to just let my mom go on and on while I continue with my life. And he asked what she was lecturing about, and I explained it to him, and his solution "Tell her you are(will be) dating me." So laughing at him, I decided why the heck not, just to get her to stop the lecture. Then a few nights later, while he was at work and I was in bed, talking with him...I forgot how it came up, or something...oh! I was telling him how the landlady's waterboy had asked me out on a date. And he was not happy, so I started teasing him over it, and he said, "What if I was serious about you?"
That question caught me off guard. We been best friends for 10 years. I had a crush on him when I met him, but that wasn't anything, I moved on after like a month, which was high school. Everyone wanted the rebel/emo/emotionally hurting boy to try to make him happy. But I started dating other people, and we were best friends, and have been since I first bullied him.
So I was like, "Hahahah, great joke Matt. You almost had me there." Cause we joke around like that a lot. But then he said, "I am not joking. I am serious." and went on telling me at first, the plans on living together, was just cause he didn't want to live alone (same with me, living alone is boring) but then over time talking, and then with the road trip, he said he started putting thought into it. He said, I was always cute, but due to having so many people around he never tried anything, plus best friend rules that we followed in high school. I didn't like the idea of dating best friends. Broke that rule once with Ashe and look how that ended up. Christian didn't count, I only got close to him AFTER we started dating.
And he said the more and more he thought of things, like plans of traveling, or doing things, the person who came to mind to do it with him was me. (How sweet hahaha) so he told me he wasn't joking over the road trip being a date, and that the whole, "dating him, or will be" wasn't a joke either. Which shut me up for a good half hour. So I had to backtrack on him and ask him so many questions and he said that "you changed, I don't know everything about you anymore. I don't pretend that I do. Do I want to know everything, yes of course I do. But do I need to, no. I just have to accept you for who you are and what comes with you being you."
So then comes the serious talk. Cause he only knows the best friend side of me. Yes he seen me at my worst and dealt with it. But he doesn't know how easily scared I am, how shy and embarrassed I get over the simplest things and when faced in a relationship and I get overwhelmed my first instinct is to run. And he cleverly stated, "I'll keep up as long as you want me to chase you, I will. I know you well enough to know where you may go, so at least I have a starting point in searching. But if you don't mind, may I be the one to keep you from running?"
Hehe....never knew my best friend was a smooth talker. So now every day, he greets me properly with good morning, and good nights. Tells me when he is about to head to work, and when he will be home, sends me random links to things he finds funny, or stuff we have interests in. And randomly he pulls out a cheesy line or calls me cute, or just plain and simple makes me flustered on purpose. Like when I told him I am giving up alcohol, and he said good, "party girl" is not me. So I asked so what kind of girl am I? and he...ugh so cheesily said, "The girl for me." -laughs- The cringe!
So he knows I am not ready for a relationship, and I am iffy on dating a best friend. But he said that he is confident in us working out, and that if I was willing to give him a chance, he will prove that it is worth it.
I told him maybe, to just see how things go, I don't want to get stuck and have my heart broken into million of pieces again. And he knows I am not 100% over my ex. He knows and still chases.
He does fluster me easily now since he openly flirts and whatnot. For the past week, he also been streaming his raid on WoW with is guild to me. His online friends were shocked that Matt changed a lot, and he even cussed them out to get use to it cause I am important to him and once I get back if I was willing to learn how to play then I would be in the guild as well. -laughs- He never asked me if I wanted to learn. But it was actually cute to hear him get flustered and yell at people cause I was listening to him talk.
I can say, I never knew this side of Matt. He is confident, and takes leads in things. He plans and is really smart. He grew up so much from high school. He is still a geek though. But he matured. He is open with his feelings, and well, I never knew he was a smooth talker and had charm. He makes my heart flutter a bit now. And makes me happy that he is willing to wait til I am emotionally ready to be in a relationship again.
So yes. This month as been amazing.  

Thursday, October 19, 2017

A Part of Me

So....even though I am still in love with him.
I think I always will be.
I hope he moved on. I hope he is happy.
Not to ever worry about me.
I am slowly moving on.
I may never find a love as intense and overwhelming like him. Nor do I want to. He is my first love. Always will be. And yes, I wish at times he would come back and sweep me off my feet again...but at the same time I want him happy. I don't make him happy. I just complicate his life.
And as much as I want to hold on to him forever, that isn't moving forward. That is staying in the past.
So these past few months, I been reconnecting with my old best friend from high school. A guy. And little by little he is making me feel like I can possibly like someone else beside my first love.
I cried a bit at that thought.
I wanted to be his last love so badly. Get married and become his wife.
But as everyone said. I am not good enough, or compatitable with him.
I will always love him.
I don't know if I will love anyone as much as I did with him. But... I suppose I should at least try to move on. Be selfish and once again shine like the sun.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017


So...I dunno. Been dreaming of him again. So restless night. But...I been enjoying my classes a lot. 
Made plans for the future, hopefully it will actually go through.

So since I am in 4th year now. Everyone knows I am to leave. And it has been hitting them hard. They understand it though. So we have been making the most of it.
When will I be back home? Beginning of June next year. 
Yes I am excited.
Emotionally I am tired from school.
I am currently the assigned burn unit student staff nurse during duty. I love it. 
The patients are sweeties and I actually like doing the bedside care for a change

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Can't Sleep.

So I decided go take a photo of my eyes.
Cause why not?
It is a holiday today, and fiesta at my friend's place....and it is approaching 3am and I have not slept yet.
Only 10 more months or so til I am back home. (If i pass my classes)
I have been tired(emotionally, mentally, and physically)
Hey mister, if you are reading this, I hope you are well and know I am thinking of you. I sent messages but no reply. I miss you greatly.
Chances are slim that he still reads this.
I barely update it anymore cause the moment I get home I pass out since I have no one to talk to online and the days are busy.
But I am working hard to stay upbeat and do my best.
Even if it feels like everything is just out to get me. -laughs- School has gotten really hard really quickly. And the challenges I face due to it just makes it tiring. But it should all be worth it. I know many people will be pissed off it I don't give it my all and get my stupid degree.

Anyways, til next time.
CiĆ o~

Tuesday, August 15, 2017


So today during break time from our lecture about this school's thing. JC's boyfriend started a bunch of crap. JC is well known as one of my best friends. As well as it is known I have a complete protective side to those younger than me who are close to me. 
So what happened? Her boyfriend goes and pushes, pulls and shoves her into walls, chairs pulling her harshly along while walking to the snack area. I followed closely pulling JC to my side silently fo avoid angering the boyfriend. But he would push her followed against her will. ALL while she is crying her eyes out. Eventually before going to the the snack area I got her away and at my side (now nicknamed Tina the Bouncer), giving a physical on her back. He comes back yelling and trying to pull her away from me. He did not manage to cause I hugged her and she clinged to my body. He ended up hurting my arm and leg. Eventually he turned his attention to the boys and a fight started. I pushed JC to Sam telling her to get her out to the office with the Dean for safety. I stayed back (stupid decision but I am a voice of reason). Tried to pry the boys off each other and ended up getting injured. Popped my knee back in. (Use to it now) and the boys got the two off each other. Our classmate did a number on JC's boyfriend. And everyone asked if I was okay cause i was pushed hard and hit. And I trailed the boyfriend keeping him away from JC cause he was still attacking things. 
THEN another fight happens right after dealing with  Amme's boyfriend and a guy she was flirting with. And I had to get our classmate (amme's bf) back to his senses cause he has a kid and graduating this school year. 
Thankfully all over now and JC is to stay at Sam's for tonight then mine later if her now ex, goes after her.
Gotta go het checked up cause my back is in pain and knee nerves have not settled yet.
Still. Her ex should have known I was going to step in. 

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Unable to sleep

Sick, can't breathe, feels like I am coughing up a I play songs to ease my head.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

I just can't....

I know I whine so much. Expectly about him and my life. Most people will or do think "move on, he is just not into you", "if he really cared he would keep in touch", "you are annoying just move on"....or something along those lines.

Okay so...these past 2 months (June and July) has just been killing me. Completely. My emotions are shot, my eyes hurt, my head hasn't stopped pounding, and I feel completely worthless. Just from school. But what just stays on my mind from the moment I wake up til I try to fall asleep? Him. That is right I am always thinking of Ashe. (Yup using his name).
Some nights I have very detailed dreams of him. Other nights I can't even remember what I was dreaming of. I been restless.
Last I heard from him was in March telling me he had some kind of accident. And that was the end of it. I been waiting. Every day and night waiting to hear something from him. But nothing came through. Slowly I fear for the worse. Then recently my friend was found dead after missing for 3 days. And I can't even say good bye to him because of the distance. What if Ashe is already gone? No one contacts me to tell me anything. I miss him terribly and I hold on to hope he is still alive and well.
But I just can't move on. Even when I try. I know better than to be a love struck girl who will think he is still single and in love with me. (Gosh I wish that he would be) but chances are he found someone. Someone suited for him. Someone who isn't me. And it tears me to pieces whenever I think of it. So I try my hardest not to, but it is hard since I only ever had feelings for him and saw myself with him. But as long as he is happy and alive that is all that matters. 
I can't move on. I am stuck in a singular place in life. Each day that passes overwhelms me and I feel like i am falling further and further behind people and when I fall, I barely have the will power to get back up again. 
My classmate Abbie has been pulling me along. I stopped hanging with Sam and the others. I only talk to a few people now. Thankfully no one here pays close attention. Even Sam. She says she can tell when someone important to her has something wrong, but she hasn't noticed me slowly giving up and losing interest in both school and social. Yna and I had a short chat about it. But it ended up with me being her support than her realizing how I was feeling.
I realized...a few days ago, I keep this blog up because I have hope Ashe is still reading this whenever I update it. But I can't know for sure. He must have moved on. He seemed like he was moving on slowly. 
If you are reading this Ashe...I love you so much. I miss you greatly and never stopped loving you from the moment I met you. 

But...I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like me. When I turn to someone else to ease my mind and warm my heart into a gentle beat, I don't find what I was looking for. The only person who calmed my storms and made me feel like a person was Ashe.
So I am just... I am lost.
I can't move on. I can't find joy. I can't focus. And I can't be me.

So what am I going to do? Sadly end this blog for the time being. Eventually come back to it. Maybe. Honestly I can't even tell when I can't even decide what tomorrowbmay bring for me.
Maybe I am depressed. Maybe it really does run in the family. Or I am just like what my mom's friend said. A girl who will only love once but have a hard life. 
Right now all I can do is close off all emotions until someone is able to find me in this darkness. Until someone's hand reaches out and I feel the warmth I need and been searching for.
If not. I will just...dunno.