Sunday, July 16, 2017

I just can't....

I know I whine so much. Expectly about him and my life. Most people will or do think "move on, he is just not into you", "if he really cared he would keep in touch", "you are annoying just move on"....or something along those lines.

Okay so...these past 2 months (June and July) has just been killing me. Completely. My emotions are shot, my eyes hurt, my head hasn't stopped pounding, and I feel completely worthless. Just from school. But what just stays on my mind from the moment I wake up til I try to fall asleep? Him. That is right I am always thinking of Ashe. (Yup using his name).
Some nights I have very detailed dreams of him. Other nights I can't even remember what I was dreaming of. I been restless.
Last I heard from him was in March telling me he had some kind of accident. And that was the end of it. I been waiting. Every day and night waiting to hear something from him. But nothing came through. Slowly I fear for the worse. Then recently my friend was found dead after missing for 3 days. And I can't even say good bye to him because of the distance. What if Ashe is already gone? No one contacts me to tell me anything. I miss him terribly and I hold on to hope he is still alive and well.
But I just can't move on. Even when I try. I know better than to be a love struck girl who will think he is still single and in love with me. (Gosh I wish that he would be) but chances are he found someone. Someone suited for him. Someone who isn't me. And it tears me to pieces whenever I think of it. So I try my hardest not to, but it is hard since I only ever had feelings for him and saw myself with him. But as long as he is happy and alive that is all that matters. 
I can't move on. I am stuck in a singular place in life. Each day that passes overwhelms me and I feel like i am falling further and further behind people and when I fall, I barely have the will power to get back up again. 
My classmate Abbie has been pulling me along. I stopped hanging with Sam and the others. I only talk to a few people now. Thankfully no one here pays close attention. Even Sam. She says she can tell when someone important to her has something wrong, but she hasn't noticed me slowly giving up and losing interest in both school and social. Yna and I had a short chat about it. But it ended up with me being her support than her realizing how I was feeling.
I realized...a few days ago, I keep this blog up because I have hope Ashe is still reading this whenever I update it. But I can't know for sure. He must have moved on. He seemed like he was moving on slowly. 
If you are reading this Ashe...I love you so much. I miss you greatly and never stopped loving you from the moment I met you. 

But...I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like me. When I turn to someone else to ease my mind and warm my heart into a gentle beat, I don't find what I was looking for. The only person who calmed my storms and made me feel like a person was Ashe.
So I am just... I am lost.
I can't move on. I can't find joy. I can't focus. And I can't be me.

So what am I going to do? Sadly end this blog for the time being. Eventually come back to it. Maybe. Honestly I can't even tell when I can't even decide what tomorrowbmay bring for me.
Maybe I am depressed. Maybe it really does run in the family. Or I am just like what my mom's friend said. A girl who will only love once but have a hard life. 
Right now all I can do is close off all emotions until someone is able to find me in this darkness. Until someone's hand reaches out and I feel the warmth I need and been searching for.
If not. I will just...dunno.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Heavy rain, aftershocks AND not feeling well

I swear 2017 is trying to kill me.
First it was emotionally because he stopped relpying to me an it felt like my heart was rippes out of my chest. And now the weather and mother nature is.
😑 I am done. Done with this year.


So it is heavy rain here. And being on ground floor it resulted in a major flood in all the classrooms. Okay so let us break this down. There are about 35 students at the least per class. There are 6 classrooms. Making an est. Of 210 students on the ground floor. Thougy not including the instructors and workers down there and the ones I didn't count because I am estimating from the minimum number per room.
The whole are was so unsafe due to the equipment that was laying around and crap. I dunno why I didn't think more of my safety. I could have gotten badly hurt if something happened.
I ended up ensuring the safest and quickest way to the dry second floor by running around place chairs. Became a major "floor is lava" game and I was in the lava providing the stepping/safe spots for others.
It gotten more crazy when the students and faculty from the floors above were cheering me on yelling out "Hero! Savior! Go nursing student!" hours later I am still getting praised by my selfless actions. Apparently there was a small mishap but controlled thanks to the officer who did his round and stopped it from spreading.
The thought if I ran off like the guys did and the mishap got worse,then the senior high students, and the female senior nursing students and accounting students would have been in big trouble.
My civil service teacher from first year was so proud because I put myself at "risk" for other students....which I HADN'T KNOW OF THE RISK. I just wanted to help and make sure no one slipped and hurt themselves badly. I mean there is no safe landing if the slipped and the danger of them dying from the fall was greater than me getting wet feet/legs. 
Still embarassing to be praised on such a high level for just doing good....

Saturday, July 1, 2017

So Tired

I am so tired. Granted I had today off. Since it is a holiday they decided to actually cancel our review class. Not that it does me any good. 
The current lecturer keeps calling me "Goldilocks" and it gets on my nerves. 
One of my classmates asked him why he gave me that nickname, the reply she got was "she curls her hair to get noticed. That isn't natural curls."
Apparently my curls aren't natural. Yes, I know my curls are super curly or like amazingly pretty curls at that. And they look like I took a curler to my hair and brushed the curls but they are actually natural. When I straighten my hair or comb it out to become a wavy it curls at the tips and halfway up. I don't know why. And yes, my hair is still a bit shaggy and unevenly layered, which I did so it doesn't look bottom heavy, doesn't mean I style my hair for attention. I just want to stop myself from looking like a dork and a mess all day long.
GOLDILOCKS ALSO HAS GOLD/BLONDE HAIR! The instructor needs glasses. I hope he goes away soon enough. 

Only 8 more months of school.
So I been trying to distract myself from thinking of him again. Which isn't easy at all. Gerald tells me to just stop even trying. But he doesn't know how thinking of this guy is driving me mad. But Gerald tries his best to keep me as a loud mouthed "bitch" because seeing me quiet and expressionless makes him worry. Apparently makes a lot of people worry. Marco decided to sit behind me in class and bothers me during lectures to keep me from thinking too much. He has picked up the habit of playing with my hair. Haha, what I get when I forget my hairties.
But he also lets me....I dunno intrude on his life. I am rooting for him and his crush. Apparently she is also in nursing and he gets all excited when she texts him. He won't give me a name because he is worried it will jinx things. But that is fine. I am just happy he is moving on from Sam finally.
Abbie and I have also gotte closer. Since she is in my section, we chit chat during class since she sits next to me and we help each other out. And I finally convinced her to join the international students club for free food. Hahahahah.
I am also thinking about joining this cartoonist/animators club at school. To keep busy. But I am unsure since I am busy with school life as it is.
I also almost got hit by a car yesterday morning when I was walking to school. Stupid drivers who don't know how to drive. First Gerald got into a crash and I almost get hit all around the same area. I got to be more careful since only 8 more months of school left. First wave of prelim exams are in two weeks. I hope I am ready for it.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Just...hating life.

Been dreaming of him almost every night this month and I have been busy with school and my thesis....Barely been sleepy, so when I do and I dream of him it just causes me to wake up in a startle and disarray since I do miss him every single moment of my life. I hope he is doing well. I would love to post more, but sadly this year is killing me slowly. So close to throwing in the towel, but scared of failure and disappointing people, torn at the moment, thus lost who I am in the mix of chaos. 

Monday, June 12, 2017

First Day of My Last Year in Nursing

Sounds exciting yes?
It isn't. I am completely done with this course. Fed up, wanting out of the school itself.
And how do they welcome us 4th years back? 2 days of exams. -laughs- But of course that is what happens.
Here is to taking full exams for today and tomorrow.
I been sleeping a bit better recently, though I feel a heavy weight on my chest.
Anyways, ciao.