So Matt and I decided to date, he has been courting me in a way before I came home. He made sure I knew he wanted a chance with me, and that he had strong feelings towards me. Every day he reminded me to be myself and that I am fine the way I am. So, yes little pieces of me started to like him. But at the same time, I was struggling liking Ashe. I was in love with him since high school. He has been a major part of my life and every time I tried to move on, he'd come out of no where and I'd fall right back in love with him again. Matt knew that. But the whole 4th year of nursing, he made sure I knew where I stood in his life. He made sure I knew that his life wasn't perfect. He suffered from a horrible breakup and may have a kid which kills him that he may never meet.
In fact he thanked me before telling me he liked me. He thanked me for making him feel. Saying that his want in keeping the creepy guys in the Philippines away from me basically jump-started things for him. That at first he started wanting to protect me, solely cause I am his best friend. Then as days turned to weeks he noticed that he was falling for me. He also knew I don't date my best friend in the fear of losing my best friend. But as time went on, he couldn't just pretend he saw me as a friend. He told me, that when he thinks of the future the person who was always by his side was me. The one he wanted to do things with, even the little things, was with me. So he confessed and told me I didn't have to answer him. Just to wait til I am home to make a decision, but to allow him to treat me as the person who he held strong feelings for.
So, I decided, hell I am single let's see how this goes. He knew I was still in love with my ex, and yet here he was laying his damaged and beaten heart out for me. Months passed and I started jokingly calling him my boyfriend to keep the guys away from me. So I started to develop feelings. He knew. I knew yet denied it.
But when I told him when I was arriving home, he actually showed up. He showed up at the airport. He didn't have flowers or anything. But he felt that the first non-family and stranger I should see was him. He didn't care that he had to take off work and waited there early in case my flight came in early, he didn't want to miss me like he did when I last came home. Even though he had no feelings then, we did start to drift apart in our friendship. Honestly, I date quite a lot of people. And I always got pushed to the back burner, always told "I'll see you when I am free." Or in the case of my ex which was an online ldr, "he was too busy to reply." I gotten so use to being second to things. With Ashe, I wasn't even number 1 in his life. If he had a problem, he went to Chelsea(his best friend). When we were together and he drank he would tell me how he wanted a chance with her, and if she got divorced he would make a move. But then he'd apologize. But the fact he flipped after she got married and moved and went out of his way to see her....that always stuck with me. He may have loved me, may still do, but it was not the same or enough to make him do the craziest things. So having Matt call out of work, drive an hour to the airport, sit and wait for 3 hours til I arrived. Then waited another 2 hours til my dad arrived so we'd know my mom found my dad. He put in effort i never experienced.
So I agreed to date him via terms. A trial relationship. 1 month, starting from when I arrived, to make me stay, to make me feel the way he does, to change my whole idea and rule on dating a best friend.
He took it. And...I am glad I agreed.
A month and some days later, I hate being away from him. He makes me feel as if I was the most important person in the world. He goes out of his way to see me after his long days, even if it is for a mere hour or even half an hour. He makes sure to see me. He makes sure I don't worry about his well being. And without knowing or thinking about it, I forgotten about the terms. We planned roadtrips, he says we will be together. He won't let me go easy. That no matter my attitude, or how I make him mad or make a mistake(expect for cheating in any sort of way) he will still love me and always make sure I am smiling.
Today we both set a goal for a roadtrip to see his father's side of the family next summer. But he had to contact his grandma on his father's side. So he did. This woman knows how he is easily depressed and knows how horrible he has been. And the first thing she asked was, "how have you been doing?" He smiled and replied "I've been good...great actually", all while smiling at me. He ended up chit chatting and told her about his mental health, that he has been in good places even if life gets hard because he has the best person anyone can ask for sitting right next to him. I honestly didn't think much about what I wanting to be with him would actually do. I never thought that he'd tell people I changed his life for the better, that he found the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. My heart fluttered hearing how much he truly loves me.
He constantly assures me that no girl would ever take him away. That they may hit on him, flirt with him, but he wouldn't notice or care cause the one person he wants is me. The one person who makes life a happier place is me. The one person he wants to kiss is me. The one person he never wants anyone else to touch is me.
He is childish, he is perverted, he has sooo much baggage from his past, he has every reason to give up on love....but he openly loves me. He openly reminds me. He always, always makes sure to spoil me. Not in items, but with love and attention. He never said "I love you" to me. But everyone who seen me with him and walked up to me to tell me how lucky I am to have a guy who looks at me with such soft loving eyes, I can't help but melt. I know his gaze always finds me. He smiles at me and tells me that i am his girl.
I am not even scared at the thoughts of having a family with him, and every day i grow clinger and happier with the decision of moving on and giving him a chance. Cause every day i fall in love with him more and more.
I am glad he is mine and I am his.
And I can say, I am happy.