Sunday, January 21, 2018

Back because Life hates me.


So yeah. I left this stupid blog on a positive note. But life just loves to keep hitting me and honestly it is just starting to get to me. 
Matt and I were doing so well, but then now....idk what is happening. -sighs- 
School keeps getting more and more tiring and I am just...tired.
This was suppose to be my year. MY YEAR! I DESERVE A YEAR WHERE I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR ONCE.
In less than 2 weeks into this new year, I been in a bad accident and injured myself badly.
Matt and I been having problems. My grades slipped a bit and now I am strugglig to get things done.
Family has been having problems left and right. My older sister has been helpful but she has been venting to me about her life nd then everyone at school expects me to be this amazing person where I feel like I am failing them cause I am not living up to their expectations. And..and...i just don't know.
My aunt accidently threw out my favorite stuffed animals which brought me comfort when I feel down. So now I am just...Idk...just wish I had someone to talk to. I feel like if I opened up to someone they will just tell me what I already know and this Matt thing....idk, if this falls apart not only did I lose him as a bf but as my best friend. I already lost Ashe and if i lost Matt....I told him I didn' want to jump. I told him I am terrified of relationships. I told him I am easily scsred and easily to worry about where I stand in someone's life.
....I just...
Why can't things ever go smoothly for me. I can't even cry because I am never alone to do so, and if i cry around someone then they'd expect me to tell them what is wrong and. Idk I can't explain it. But I just know this yeat is going to be one of the worst years I have. I just know it.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Late, but here it is.


Okay, so now I am 25 years old. 
December 8th was my birthday. 
So this year has been all over the place for me. I lost touch with someone who was the number one person in my life, and then reconnected to the person who was my best friend.
Now....Matt is the person who I am leaning on most of these days. He has been a major supporter and has been making me feel better than I felt most of this year.
Even though he is not my boyfriend, he certainly acts like he is. Claiming that asking a girl to be his girlfriend through messages is not his thing, so he keeps reminding me that in 6 months we will be together. At first, it scared me. Terrified me due to the fact I still had feelings for Ashe.
I can use the word had now instead of have. I will always love Ashe. Always. But the love I have for him is not the same anymore. My attention shifted to Matt. Even though Matt is not manly, nowhere near an amazingly smart and active guy....he is caring....sweet, and always makes sure I know how he feels about me. I would not date a best friend normally. But while talking with him, he slowly made me open up to him, and while talking with him he opened up and somehow started liking me and wanted to care for me and protect me from people who are creeps. So he started flirting with me. And in doing so, made me develop feelings slowly. And he knows at times I feel scared and what does he tell me? "It is okay. Just take your time. I can wait for you."
When he first told me that he is the one taking the steps to get closer to me as more than just a best friend, I was scared. He knew it cause he knew how much I was destroyed over the last guy I fell in love with. He knows I have closed off and he respects me enough to tell me up front that he is just going to wait til I am able to see him differently. And that he isn't going anywhere as long as I want him around.
I didn't realize how lonely I felt with Ashe. I love him, I loved him so much but it was so lonely always being second to everything. I was second to Chelsea, I was second to his work. I was just....second. I accepted it, but didn't want to lose him so being second in his heart and in his life was okay with me. I knew I would never compete with his best friend. He loved her since before I knew him. I know during that time he loved me fully. But it just wasn't enough. He never stuck with me and when moments got hard. Got even just a slight difficult he turned and left me a mess....and I still loved him and always ran back when I convienced him to try again.
With Matt... ☺ I don't think I will ever feel that way. Even when I don't talk to him I don't feel lonely. When he is busy, completely busy with his work or even with his hobby. He always....always messages me. He always tells me how happy he is, what is on his mind. He doesn't make me feel like I am not enough or I have to compete for his attention. Even when someone else flirts with him, he tells me about it. Even if it gets me jealous, he reassures me nothing will take him away from me. Nothing will make him leave. That he is mine as long as I want him as mine.
Even though I have not stated anything to him other than telling him I don't want him to go to another girl. He stays and teases me. He playful talks dirty to me, and doesn't go too far. He notices right away when something is off with me and annoys me til I tell him. If I get sad or i cry, he spends every second trying to make me smile even if he doesn't understand why or know why. He just goes out of his way to do whatever he can think of to try and make me smile. From dirty photos, to memes, to silly selfies of himself(even though he hates taking a photo). He doesn't stop til he knows for sure I cracked a slight smile.
I guess that is what made me start to like him. He doesn't care how I am. My mood swings, my indecisiviness, my habits my attitude, the way i love to confuse things for my own entertainment. He just reminds me to be me. That he knows how I am cause he knows who I was before Ashe. He knows my little habits cause I was always around him. And he doesn't care about knowing everything. He only wants me to feel comfortable and tell him if I want to. Idk....just...the thought of Matt now makes my heart race and gives me a smile that I had when I thought of Ashe...no, he gives me a bigger smile than any that Ashe gave me. I cannot wait to see if I will actually become his girlfriend or not.
So why is this my last post?
Simple. I don't need this blog anymore. I held on to it because I was clinging onto Ashe. The memory the feelings. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to face reality that he is not coming back for me. And now...I am okay with it. I hope he found someone. Someone better than me. Someone who fits who he wants. Someone he loves without making her an option. He is an amazing guy. I am happy I fell in love with him. But now I am happy I have Matt. I am happy that he wants me. I am happy my feelings for him grows each day. I am just.....happy. So I don't need this blog. I don't need to give daily updates on my life. I don't need to hold on to someone who, I think was never mine. I loved him. I wanted to marry him and be his wife. Wanted to be the mother of his kids. But I was always second, even though he loved me. If I didn't lose him to another girl....I would have lost him to work. And I...I hate feel lonely.
Now all my thoughts, my feelings are on Matt. It is on making a life with my best friend and seeing where it takes us.
So...this is good bye. I will always cherish you. I will always love you, you will always have a place in my heart. By....my heart is slowly becoming someone's to have. And I want nothing more than to give it to Matt.
So this is it.
Good bye.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Soon


My last post on this blog will be soon.
That will be on my birthday this week. :) It falls on a Friday, so I will be making sure to wrap up all my loose ends on that day, because I am turning 25 years old. I am making changes in my life and taking chances.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

It is so weird...


I never thought of Matt as anything more than just a friend. And now....well the possiblity of moving on in life from Ashe with Matt doesn't seem so terrifying. 
I always pictured myself with Ashe. No on else. And when we broke up, it hurt so bad and then he disappeared and I was unable to get a hold of him. I know I wasn't his girlfriend at the time. And half the time I didn't know where I stood with him. But it never stopped me from falling deeper and deeper in love with him.
But Matt accepts how broken I became. How unsure and nervous I am over the little things. After these past few months talking with Matt every single day, and him expressing interest in me, and actually not making me feel lonely when we talk...I wouldn't mind falling for him. It would be a major change from Ashe.
A part of me is still on the fence, but knowing there is no time pressure to move on right away and still be accepted by Matt is comforting. He even said he sees the old me coming out again, saying I make pervert jokes, and have the sassy comebacks like i use to. :) I always thought the loudmouth me was a bad thing. And a grumpy cranky me who complains over everything when I have no sleep or just being moody was annoying. But he just laughs at it and calla me cute.
It is weird when he tells me I am cute or that I am most important to him or teases me in a flirting way. 
Being free to do me, and still know for certain that someone accepts me and I don't have to worry about someone else grabbing his interest....it is relaxing.
Whoever said gamer guys are hard to be in a relationship with is completely wrong. 
Hopefully things keep going well, and that Ashe is doing well, may he find happiness, even if it isn't with me. I still love him and will always love him. I miss his dearly and constantly want to talk to him. But...since we lost touch all i can do is send out good vibes to him mentally. 
(I am happy that I can like someone and still have nothing but good things to say about the guy I fell for before. ^.^)

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Great Month


I cannot lie.
This month has been 100% amazing.
My laptop died while I was working on my thesis. Now, normally that would upset me. But it didn't. I had a small freakout, but recollected myself. Yesterday I received my new laptop. Named it Dean. It is a nice laptop, I had so much fun setting him up. -smiles- It has nothing on it. Parents spoiled me, told me I deserved it and they were waiting for my birthday to send it, but since I need it now, I need it now.

And, I been feeling emotionally great. Talking to Matt every day since I think July. At first I messaged him cause we lost touch and he is one of my best friends and I wanted to talk to someone who I didn't have to explain anything, or ask anything personal. That is how we work. We only talk personal when it happens. Not the past. So since all of my friends usually asks "So how was -insert name-" and then go off on a huge thing where I don't like dealing with it, I figured I'd give Matt a message, even though he wasn't on facebook much.
And he actually answered pretty fast. -laughs-
Now 3 months later, we have talked from when he gets up, til when he sleeps. Every single day. When he is at work, he still messages me, telling me what is going on, he gets very funny customers. Hahaha. Since I am single, and have only 8 months left, I decided to put together a plan on my life. Nothing better to do. So I ran it through Matt, to make sure it isn't too unrealistic. And he jumped in saying, "I'll move in with you, wanna get out of my home too. We'll split the bills." So yeah, why not right? Would make the moving out and saving a lot faster.
Near the end of September, beginning of October, Matt decided to ask me something important, dealing with his family. If I was willing, next year, to possibly go up north with him and his family to his hometown. Hell yeah, I was willing to go. Hah, I mean road trip with a best friend is something everyone wants to do. I also know if I am back, Matt's mom would have asked me if I wanted to go. She usually asks me to join in things, so shocking Matt did.
So 2 weeks pass, and break starts, and I keep going out with my thesis group, trying to get it done and whatnot, and during the time I still messaged Matt every day. He got upset with me because I kept telling him "I am out on a date" and sent him photos of my thesis paper. -laughs- Apparently, that made him think I didn't take dates seriously. Which I do, but because I just wanted to make a joke. So he ended up telling me "That is not how it works." So he told me that "a date is between people who are interested in each other, stop calling every outing a date." And I complained cause I want dates but since I decided not to date anyone that Sondra, Ileana and Matt doesn't approve of, that kinda gets rid of my dating life. I tend to attract creeps, lesson learned, after Ashe and I stopped dating, all I tend to get afterwards were creeps who end up stalking me or harassing me for sex. So yeah.
That caused Matt to say, "Then think of the road trip as one long date to make up for not dating." And I said okay. Hahah. Cause, why not?
Now skip to a week later, my mom lecturing me on when will I get married, why don't I have a boyfriend yet blahblahblah, and how I was becoming a disappointment to her cause I am becoming 25, and I show no signs of actually moving forward towards a steady relationship. While my mom lectured, I was messaging Matt, cause I tend to just let my mom go on and on while I continue with my life. And he asked what she was lecturing about, and I explained it to him, and his solution "Tell her you are(will be) dating me." So laughing at him, I decided why the heck not, just to get her to stop the lecture. Then a few nights later, while he was at work and I was in bed, talking with him...I forgot how it came up, or something...oh! I was telling him how the landlady's waterboy had asked me out on a date. And he was not happy, so I started teasing him over it, and he said, "What if I was serious about you?"
That question caught me off guard. We been best friends for 10 years. I had a crush on him when I met him, but that wasn't anything, I moved on after like a month, which was high school. Everyone wanted the rebel/emo/emotionally hurting boy to try to make him happy. But I started dating other people, and we were best friends, and have been since I first bullied him.
So I was like, "Hahahah, great joke Matt. You almost had me there." Cause we joke around like that a lot. But then he said, "I am not joking. I am serious." and went on telling me at first, the plans on living together, was just cause he didn't want to live alone (same with me, living alone is boring) but then over time talking, and then with the road trip, he said he started putting thought into it. He said, I was always cute, but due to having so many people around he never tried anything, plus best friend rules that we followed in high school. I didn't like the idea of dating best friends. Broke that rule once with Ashe and look how that ended up. Christian didn't count, I only got close to him AFTER we started dating.
And he said the more and more he thought of things, like plans of traveling, or doing things, the person who came to mind to do it with him was me. (How sweet hahaha) so he told me he wasn't joking over the road trip being a date, and that the whole, "dating him, or will be" wasn't a joke either. Which shut me up for a good half hour. So I had to backtrack on him and ask him so many questions and he said that "you changed, I don't know everything about you anymore. I don't pretend that I do. Do I want to know everything, yes of course I do. But do I need to, no. I just have to accept you for who you are and what comes with you being you."
So then comes the serious talk. Cause he only knows the best friend side of me. Yes he seen me at my worst and dealt with it. But he doesn't know how easily scared I am, how shy and embarrassed I get over the simplest things and when faced in a relationship and I get overwhelmed my first instinct is to run. And he cleverly stated, "I'll keep up as long as you want me to chase you, I will. I know you well enough to know where you may go, so at least I have a starting point in searching. But if you don't mind, may I be the one to keep you from running?"
Hehe....never knew my best friend was a smooth talker. So now every day, he greets me properly with good morning, and good nights. Tells me when he is about to head to work, and when he will be home, sends me random links to things he finds funny, or stuff we have interests in. And randomly he pulls out a cheesy line or calls me cute, or just plain and simple makes me flustered on purpose. Like when I told him I am giving up alcohol, and he said good, "party girl" is not me. So I asked so what kind of girl am I? and he...ugh so cheesily said, "The girl for me." -laughs- The cringe!
So he knows I am not ready for a relationship, and I am iffy on dating a best friend. But he said that he is confident in us working out, and that if I was willing to give him a chance, he will prove that it is worth it.
I told him maybe, to just see how things go, I don't want to get stuck and have my heart broken into million of pieces again. And he knows I am not 100% over my ex. He knows and still chases.
He does fluster me easily now since he openly flirts and whatnot. For the past week, he also been streaming his raid on WoW with is guild to me. His online friends were shocked that Matt changed a lot, and he even cussed them out to get use to it cause I am important to him and once I get back if I was willing to learn how to play then I would be in the guild as well. -laughs- He never asked me if I wanted to learn. But it was actually cute to hear him get flustered and yell at people cause I was listening to him talk.
I can say, I never knew this side of Matt. He is confident, and takes leads in things. He plans and is really smart. He grew up so much from high school. He is still a geek though. But he matured. He is open with his feelings, and well, I never knew he was a smooth talker and had charm. He makes my heart flutter a bit now. And makes me happy that he is willing to wait til I am emotionally ready to be in a relationship again.
So yes. This month as been amazing.  

Thursday, October 19, 2017

A Part of Me


So....even though I am still in love with him.
I think I always will be.
I hope he moved on. I hope he is happy.
Not to ever worry about me.
I am slowly moving on.
I may never find a love as intense and overwhelming like him. Nor do I want to. He is my first love. Always will be. And yes, I wish at times he would come back and sweep me off my feet again...but at the same time I want him happy. I don't make him happy. I just complicate his life.
And as much as I want to hold on to him forever, that isn't moving forward. That is staying in the past.
So these past few months, I been reconnecting with my old best friend from high school. A guy. And little by little he is making me feel like I can possibly like someone else beside my first love.
I cried a bit at that thought.
I wanted to be his last love so badly. Get married and become his wife.
But as everyone said. I am not good enough, or compatitable with him.
I will always love him.
I don't know if I will love anyone as much as I did with him. But... I suppose I should at least try to move on. Be selfish and once again shine like the sun.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Dunno


So...I dunno. Been dreaming of him again. So restless night. But...I been enjoying my classes a lot. 
Made plans for the future, hopefully it will actually go through.

So since I am in 4th year now. Everyone knows I am to leave. And it has been hitting them hard. They understand it though. So we have been making the most of it.
When will I be back home? Beginning of June next year. 
Yes I am excited.
Emotionally I am tired from school.
I am currently the assigned burn unit student staff nurse during duty. I love it. 
The patients are sweeties and I actually like doing the bedside care for a change