Finally out of there. Kinda: 5:45 PM - Saturday Evening

I ended up in the hospital. I went there early this morning. Thank goodness my uncle actually answered his phone and came as quickly as he did, considering it is a fiesta here in the city so everyone is going all over the place, and there is this program at the cultural area, so it is all craziness. Happy that he didn't mind to get me and I got the attention I needed. 

His family owns the hospital, and he and his family worked in the states. I go to Doctor Bobong for anything I need. Even my current medications are from his pharmacy, he had his daughter bring them over to their place so I don't have to hassle myself to get it. 

So what was wrong with me? 

Apparently, a few days ago, while I was traveling around in the tricycle, we did get into a fender bender. I didn't think much of it since it is normal during rush hour traffic, and it isn't the first, nor the last one I will be in. But I apparently hit my back just right that it caused nerves to be pinched. It happened in the thoracic part of my spine, causing the pain to radiate to my ribs which made it nearly unbearable for me.

It took them about 3 hours to figure that out, it may be because I wasn't able to speak properly. It has happened before, but not to that extreme. which is why last night I figured it would go away. But it had only gotten worse.

SO now, I am on painkillers as well as anti-inflammatory pills. 

To be honest....I was scared out of my mind.

I only been in the ER once and that was back in high school with my parents. But this time...I was alone, I mean I had my uncle and his family, but it isn't the same. They were all busy and I was alone in the room while they were taking tests and waiting for results. 

They did skin tests to make sure I wasn't allergic to anything. It was a nightmare to me.

So without having a phone, x-rays/scans, not allowed to have phones during those, I was basically hyperventilating in the room.

This morning I mistakenly posted I was going to the hospital in the conjoined blog. I didn't mean to. -covers face- I didn't want him to know I was going there, I knew he would worry if I told him I was heading to the hospital. Usually I check to see which blog I was writing the new post on, but considering the time of day, I figured the first blog was my blog and posted there via cellphone, I didn't double check.

It wasn't until a few hours later when I got a room and on some medication waiting for the results, Did I realize I posted it on the conjoined blog. And to my shocking surprise he posted a post for me. Which I posed a reply, telling him I am alive and not to worry. Then due to the medication I fell asleep. I been in and out of sleep.

I woke up an hour or so later, because my cousin (also a doctor at that hospital) came to wake me up because I got many texts from my friend Ember. Sadly my phone wasn't fully charged nor did I have a load to reply, so she won't get a reply until who knows when.

So I decided to go and post here, on this blog, but I was shocked to see the number of posts on the conjoined blog jump to more than this blog! So I decided to check it out, I thought I was going crazy because...well I was on drugs.

But no. I wasn't. He posted so many posts. Just so I will have something to read/see when I got bored.

I...I was speechless. I didn't want him to go out of his way to do anything. It isn't his worry.

No, I shouldn't say that. We are still....I would like to say friends. Friends worry.

It was just I didn't think he would do something like that.

He also went on messenger and messaged me. Granted I didn't know until a short while ago. 

I was sleeping most of the day, with short moments of being awake.

It would be a lie to say it didn't make my heart skip a beat.

I wish I had been awake and talked to him. It would have calmed me down so much more quicker.

But the fact he had posted all those memes on the blog for me.

I didn't feel so lonely there.

He isn't a bad guy.

I wish he knew that.

Though I still wish I took more care in posting where I had posted.

I honestly wasn't going to tell him, just slide it though in a post on there after I got home. Or tomorrow when I was in my right of mind.

ANYWAYS! So what does it feel like to have a thoracic pinched nerve?

It isn't fun. Not at all.

It felt like someone was stabbing me in the back and there wasn't anything I could do about.

That was what it felt like last night.

This morning, that and my ribs felt like someone was pulling them out then pushing them in over and over again. Thus the whole me ending up in the hospital.

Originally they thought something was wrong with my lungs or heart. They wanted to make sure it wasn't an organ problem.That would have been straight down awful as hell if it was. Thus I was scared mindless.

Thankfully it is only a pinched nerve.

They said it will settle down if I don't strain my back, and I rest a lot. And take meds to help with pain and inflammation. 

I feel a lot better now.

So right now I am currently in his study, since there are guests over, and I don't want to deal with them because my head is still spinning. 

I am glad that it will be okay.

After studying anatomy I do know and understand if I had just sat at home and not cared there is a chance for damaging of the nerve itself, and considering the location, that would be really bad. Trapped/pinched nerves in the spinal area isn't a joke. I get pinched nerves in my knee, so I know how badly it could have gotten if I hadn't gotten it checked out.

Anyways, just wanted to post that because I am still shaking from having to go through that. I wouldn't even wish this upon someone I dislike.

I am going to lay down and rest a bit. 

Needless to Say.

Wow....it has been so long since I last heard them sing live.

High school band I was close to. Hahaha. Randomly started talking to Kyle (the shirtless guy in the video). He and I were close back then. Me being his baby sis. 

They broken up, Julia(the singer) is still trying to become a singer, while the others went their own ways, some sticking to music, others doing something else.

But the point of the post, is because I was thinking about the type of music I use to listen to. 

Metal. Rock. Mainly metal/screamo though. -laughs- This song though is an acoustic version of their actual song.

I still have their CD somewhere.

What started making me think of them, was because Jhens and I were talking about music and she told me to listen to her favorite song and she will listen to mine.

Safe to say she wasn't expecting metal, though it was only Iron Maiden, so it wasn't all that bad. -laughs- She asked me how can I listen to that kind of music.

And so I ended up telling her about my friends' band and how I was always at their rehearsal, and their local concerts, and when they preformed in the battle of the bands for the Warp Tour.

They heavily influenced my music. Haha, I can still remember screaming out this song at Solid Sound Studios on Friday nights, or "Carry On".

Just a little piece of my memory that cracked a smile on my face while I am trying to fall asleep.

The pain shooting up from my mid back to my neck is quite annoying. If it doesn't go away by morning, I am seriously going to get it checked at the hospital. -sighs-

Quite annoying indeed. If I actually go I will post here about it.

If not, I will inform that I didn't.

I should. But I rather not. I hate the hospitals here.

Well, going to try and get some shut eye since it is midnight now.

9:00 PM - Friday Night

So I started talking to my friend Brandon when I got home, since he was getting ready for work, and he told me that the stuff he bought me had all already arrived and it was a matter of sending it to me. Which I was happy to be getting a care package from a friend, but slightly weird about having to give him my personal address. I am not use to giving my apartment address here. Only 3 people know my apartment address. My mom (in result my dad), Sondra (she wanted to send me her graduation card and we are best friends so it is natural to give her my address), and him. He knows it. I had given him my address a few weeks before we broke up.

I trust him well enough not to worry about it him having my address.

Anyways, so he asked how he would send me the stuff if he has no address, and I said, "My mom! She is coming and that way you don't have to spend anything for shipping. Hahah." The reason I also offered him that option was because my mom has to fill a box up, and she hasn't gotten around to shop for things, so this gives her a little bit of stuff to put inside the box. It is also a safer way? I mean, it only took about 2 weeks for Sondra's card to get to me, but a package as big as the one he wanted to send would be something else, not to mention the cost of the shipping. He doesn't make enough money to ship a box here. 

But that brightened up my day a bit more than it already was.

We have been friends for a long time. Longer than him and I were friends. Though Brandon and I aren't all that close. We only started talking to each other again last year. He was dating my friend Reya, so I only knew him and befriended him because of that. But we bonded over our passion of doing nothing. Hahahahah. Kidding, he messaged me randomly because he wanted to know how Reya was doing and if she was studying to be a Doctor like she wanted. After that I had to comfort him after she told him she will call the cops if he messages her. He wasn't being creepy, he is just still in love with her, and it was a hard break up for him.

We are like brother and sister. I make fun of him a lot.

Anyways, other than that, I had sent my cousin on her way to Duero, and I am currently home alone with my loving goat. 

I had gotten so many compliments today from the outfit I was wearing.

Ember told me I reminded her of Gypsies.

London Bridge was in awe that I was wearing a long/floor length black skirt.

Tony loved it. He simply loved the attire. He said I looked professional and slightly Gothic.

Which I laughed at him. I didn't mean to look soft core goth, I just didn't feel like putting on pants and I wanted to match my favorite tights to some clothes.

I never worn an outfit like I had today. I had even done my makeup a bit.

Just to make a small change in my appearance.

It actually caught attention of many boys in my college. 

A few had asked me if I was single, or if I wanted to date, if I had plans and why I don't dress up more often because I look "amazing".

It was funny. Funny as hell.

I looked amazing because I didn't want to wear pants, wanted tights and a skirt. Didn't sleep much, so makeup to make me look awake for a change. And I looked amazing.

I told them I was single. 

They found that hard to believe. I was asked out on a couple of dates, which I turned them down.

I am not interested in dating them. Dating within the same college always turns out messy.

And besides I am still sure I am older....and more mature than them.

Also, Ember would be mad at me. -laughs-

And Faith.

As of right now, I am "Ember's Babe" and "Faith's Lover". Hahaha. Those two crack me up.

Faith, she would make comments to people, "Oh, we are looking for a home for our new baby, I am pregnant. Christina is the Father. Don't tell Abbie she will try and stop us." or  "Where is my ring! Are you cheating on me with her? With....what's your name hun?" Hahahah, Faith is too much sometimes.

We always have good times together. She is in Mas-Com, so it is really pleasant to talk to her since she learned English before Cebuano. 

To think Faith and I became friends only because in P.E 1, everyone decided we are friends. And it worked out great. And with Ember, she just has no one else to really talk to about personal stuff. She confessed she finds it more at home talking to me. That there is something about me that makes her feel warm and wanted, even though we only became close last semester. Hahah.

Currently she is on another island for the weekend. She wants to go looking for chokers for me as a gift since I am always helping her out and actually informing her about what is going on and what she should know for class. 

So. I am doing fine.

I wrote an "angry letter" to him. Just to see if it will help any.

It did a bit. But it didn't make me love him any less. -laughs- So I think that didn't work the way it was suppose to.

Oh! I am admitting myself into the hospital tomorrow.

I have been feeling a bit off. Pain wise. Not mentally. So I told my mom and she said to go to the hospital and see what is going on. 

I hope it isn't anything major. Though with my family's luck....

Here's to hoping I am not dying!

3:22 PM - Friday Afternoon

I had just ran around the campus, and off campus with Sam and Patch.

They had to print out their assignments from our Informatics class. Which they were having problems creating in the first place. They were crying over the documents until I told them they were being silly because the problem was quite simple to fix. Same with Tony, he was there when we had gone to the internet cafe. He said he was there since Health Education ended. Which was around 10:30 AM! And we went there around 2 PM, I asked him what was taking him so long, and he said that it was due to the fact his files wouldn't open and he was recreating the files instead but he was having problems working the newer edition of Word. So I also offered to give give him some pointers on how to use it. He was thankful.

I was useful to them.

And Ember! I haven't gotten the slightest idea of what is going on with her.

I adore her, she is like a younger sister to me, because I am ALWAYS taking care of her. I seriously do. I sit down in class with her and go over the assignments she missed. 

Though I was just asked by our instructor if I had done her assignments. I told her no. I don't do people's work anymore, I help them with the formatting of the documents or powerpoints.

Thankfully the instructor decided to drop it before I opened my mouth. Tubio, one of my favorite instructors, backed me up. She has seen me sitting next to Ember and telling her what she needs to do and helping her along. She also knows I finish everything within 30 minutes so I have an hour and a half of free time doing nothing at all, or I just do it at my apartment and pass it the next day at the beginning of class.

I also answered all the DR questions from Mendez! 

I had known her personally since last year during my RLE 1.0 class. And she was always strict on me, and I tend to freeze up if I am not confident in myself. She had asked me easy questions. I asked her why after she was done with evaluating everyone. She said it was because she heard me talking to the others and explaining to them each question she was asking the students before me. So she didn't have to ask me the hard questions. The questions I got were "What did you use as your supporting towel?" "Why do we give the mother Oxytocin?" "What do we use to check the patency of the anus?" Those type of questions. Which were by far easier than what it could have been, like yesterday's "Why is it necessary to use eye prophylaxis on the newborn during cord dressing?" "What are the mechanisms of labor and explain them to me." Those were a couple I had zoned out a lot yesterday. Today I was more determined because it was Mendez. She is by far one of the more stricter instructors, she gives tough love. So I was happy she decided to go easy on me. Last time she made me do an oral in front of everyone I was shaking badly, and I got scolded and told I would fail at being a nurse. It was over medicine tickets. -laughs- I was so upset with her back then, I hated her. But now, even though she scares me when I have to go to her for tests/quizzes/checkings, I love her teaching me. Her telling me I am doing something wrong makes me feel like I am actually learning. She is amazing at her job.

Even though I haven't been at the top of my game, somehow I am still going forward.

I know for the past week, now almost two weeks, I have been going on and on about him, and complaining. But I am being selfish. I know I am.

I love him. And he is having problems with this whole situation. I am not being considerate. I am only thinking of myself.

Why? Because he is still one of the people I would consider a best friend.

But I have a feeling he doesn't want to go for friendship. He....I really want us to at least remain friends. I don't believe that our conversations will become plain and painful. I don't believe there will be awkward silences.

I am friends with a few of the people I have dated. Granted I have never loved anyone before him. But I do believe it is possible. It just takes time. After nothing bad happened between us, so there isn't any reason we couldn't become friends.

Though! If he wasn't so darn stubborn, then we would be a couple. But it is okay.

I don't want him to leave my life. I enjoy him being there.

But I cannot force a person to stay.

He might be thinking we were never meant to be.

I think differently.

I honestly don't think that it only comes down to people meaning to be together. It is work. I already know relationships are work.

I think he and I were suppose to end up together. We were suppose to be each other's happy ending.

But due to writing and editing errors, that may have changed.

But that is also the thing. Everything changes. All the time.

Maybe in the future we will get together. Maybe not.

But when things start to get serious he becomes a coward and runs.

I can never leave him, and he isn't strong enough for relationships.

Though, I don't want to stress him out anymore than I already have.

I want him to stay.

I want him to be my friend.

I want to talk to him.

But that is the thing.

It's what I want.

Not once have I thought what he wanted.

If he decides to leave, I will be okay. One way or another.

I will cry.

It will be hard.

I would hope that he doesn't ever leave. But I wouldn't be able to stop him.

BUT

I would remember him.

I would love him.

I would root for him and his happiness.

I would hope he finds a love that causes his heart to feel like it's not his, that no matter what happens he will stick by her side, even if it was painful. I would hope he find his happy ending.

I would hope/wish him the happiness of a thousand years and more.

And....I would always be there for him. Even if we don't talk. Even if he cut the ties/relations. I will be there for him. If he finds himself unable to talk to anyone, all he would have to do is message me. It is quite easy to get a hold of me. Maybe a little too easy.

But I will always reply without fail. Unless...you know, I died or something.

The conjoint blog is what keeps my mind at ease, knowing he is alive. That is all I want. The knowledge of him being alive.

This blog just helps me clear my head, and empty my emotions, good or bad. It's like a breather to me. 

Though, it is free for anyone to read, I don't mind that. After all, I been using this blog as a personal online journal.

I am just glad he doesn't post in here...I don't even know if he reads it.

That would be quite awkward, considering I whine/complain a lot here....with him in the mix. Hahahaha.

I'm sitting at my desk in the computer lab silently laughing because I am acting like a 13 or a 16 year old over my emotions...over a boy.

Maybe this is silly to most people. I know it is. I lectured many people about their relationships. but I always supported the impossible.

After all....when it comes down to it, I technically wasn't suppose to have been born.

My mom was on birth control and my dad used a condom. But somehow I still managed to get created.

At 4 years old, I banged my head hard on the concrete and ended up in the ER, and it was a mess. But I still made it. I gotten lost in so many places. And yet I am still here.

I somehow always made it.

Which is probably why I always believe in the impossible, why I always see the good in everything, why even when I am down I try to smile.

Because I know that I wasn't suppose to be born. 

Only because of mishaps of products not working at the right moment, caused me to be here.

My life is hell.

Seriously.

There are so many dark secrets I don't open up to tell others.

Anyways, I love him.

I do hope that he decides we could at least be friends. Or him to at least keep posting. Even if it is about his love for someone, or how upset he is about something, or silly love things. Hahah, I don't mind at all. As long as I know he is alive.

That's all I need to handle things in my life.

That's it.

I am very simple.

After all I don't need much.

9:33 PM - Thursday Night

I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice. Last time I watched that movie I was in 8th grade. 

I am suppose to be studying for my exams tomorrow.

Though it will only be 2 exams, my Informatics class hasn't created their midterm yet.

I remember around this time last year I was freaking out over my exams.

This time I am not.

I don't know why I am not. I haven't studied at all. I have just sat here watching movies every night since I got home from school. I been posting more of the conjointed blog instead of this one.Though I can freely ease my mind on here, and I think I make up the lack of posting here with the length of each post. So it becomes the same amount.

What sucks about life, is that things never work out the way you want them to.

I been working my mind on what has been going on in my life. And it comes down to...none of it is fair. So whoever stated life isn't fair, they were more than right.

I will be alone this weekend again.

My cousin is going back to Duero after classes are let out, so she can tend to our trees. Though mine doesn't need as much tending to since they have gotten pretty big as it is. Hers are just seedlings planted last week. So I will be alone again. Though I was offered to go off to Jhen's place for a fiesta, I don't know if I really want to. After all I will be leaving everyone as soon as I am done with schooling here. I'll be starting all anew again. But I will decide later if I should do, maybe to be polite? I am shy to be around her family, I never met them and I don't want them to feel like they have to make things perfect because I am an American. It always happens that way. It took a long time before Sam's mom treated me like a normal person. She would always refer to me as Ms. Ammons, even if I was in their car or if they were dropping Sam off and I was there. It was really awkward for me.

Yna's mom calls me that, but in a teasing way, she is the only one who treats me as one of Yna's normal classmates.

Oh! That reminds me, I got my PCR forms signed by Mama Berou (Yna's mom) today, as well as my DR notebook. While signing it, it is the instructors' duty to ask questions from the notebook. For the love of everything, I have been off my game so badly due to life. Every question she asked me, I stared at her and told her I could not recall the answers she was looking for.

It was embarrassing to stand there in front of both sections of my level and not be able to answer a single question. It was to the point she told me to ask a friend. Thankfully, Marco was next to me, and offered to help me. He is a sweet boy. Hard to believe he is well mannered for only being 17 years old! He is also one of the few males in the class I am comfortable around. He bothers me during class hours by walking by and poking me. Such an annoying act. I asked him once why does he feel the need to poke me randomly. His answer was, "You look sad, and it is better when you smile. We're all a family, no one should be alone or feel lonely." 

He has good intentions. I am glad that he cares deeply about everyone. He is also my gaming buddy.

Back to the PRC and notebook!

So after he gave me the answers and I repeated them three times to Mama Berou, she gave me back my stuff and told me I should take nursing more seriously.

I am questioning myself now. Would I make a good nurse?

Am I even cut out to be a nurse? I barely know what is going on in class, though I somehow manage to help everyone else to understand what is going on. 

I have very little ability to speak the native tongue, so I feel so useless when I have to go out of my way to find someone to translate for me when my limited language prevents me from interacting with my clients.

Yes, I can read and write in Cebuano, but speaking it seems to be a problem for me. I keep mispronouncing the words.  I forget to not use the English sounds. So I end up sounding weird, or saying the word completely wrong.

But at least I try, the instructors find it amusing since they talk to me in pure Binisaya and I respond in English to them without missing a beat.

But I honestly don't know what I am doing with myself now.

Everyone is telling me I already gone so far, I might as well finish what I started.

But I am losing my footing in my studies, I am caring less and less. Maybe it is just I have been here too long. I may try and persuade my parents to let me go back to the states in December.

I know my writing/English speech, is suffering greatly.

My friend, Patricia from Cali, she is going back to the states. Maybe she hasn't decided yet.

She started school here, on another island. But she can't handle things here. Granted she is all alone, no family here, came here on a whim for her boyfriend at the time, and he left her while she was in the hospital basically dying.

I feel bad for her. I wish her the best happiness ever! She deserves it.

This has gotten long, should be safe to write that I still love him.

With all my heart.

Even if he says it is wrong.

Sadly, I have found it hard to decide who one falls in love with. And it is really hard to stop.

It hurts, but not much I can do but allow the pain to be there and go on with life.

I just wish I could talk to him.

I want to email him.

I want to ask him what he has been doing.

I want to engage in a conversation of anything and everything.

I want to go back to our little world that we had.

I love him.

9:20 PM - Wednesday Night

Today started off as a good day.

Nothing bad happened at all today. I found out Sam has a new girlfriend! Go her!

But that also made me feel a bit lonely, and made me start thinking of him again.

It is an awful thing for me to just continue to drag it out like I am.

I am truly trying to move on from him, I just keep falling backwards.

I think that is to be expected at least. I mean I love him! To just be fine and move on so easily would seem a little weird.

But yeah. It was a good day overall. But somehow during nursing informatics, I just started thinking of him, I zoned out in class. And it felt like I was drowning. It was pretty hard to suppress my tears. 

Usually, I am all for crying, but it is weird crying in front of them because they see me as a strong girl who can overcome anything.

I have just fallen down, thanks to my silly mind when I was clearing out my email to find something I sent myself years ago. I ended up seeing so many of our old emails, and everything rushed back that I was frozen. I was physically and emotionally frozen staring at my screen trying hard not to let it get to me.

I am feeling better now, but there is still that longing feeling I have towards him.

The want to telling him that I love him, and I will always love him.

I know I been feeling better, but that is because I am trying my best.

But it is really hard.

All I want to do is talk to him.

Tell him what is going on, make the silly jokes that I use to with him.

Send him random photos of what I was looking at/doing, and of myself.

To spam him with my feelings and thoughts and my daily life.

It is just such a big change, and I thought that I moved onward.

It is funny how well I was doing, but one little thing threw me back at step one.

I can't...I won't get rid of the emails. Even though everyone has told me I should, that it would be better to because he most likely has already moved on, gotten back on the horse. But I don't mind keeping them. I stored them away in a folder, and hopefully I will be able to look at them with a smile and not cry.

I hate how life decided to work out.

He is a coward. A baby. He is always running away from me....from everything.

But I love him. I just do.

He thinks it will just be easy for me to turn away, but it isn't. I can control my emotions, and I know I will be alright. But 7 years of my feelings growing for him. 7 years of memories, and stories. Of moments I wanted to last forever.

It's hard to turn away from all that.

My friends has asked me why I haven't cried much over him.

It is hard to tell them the truth, so I just tell them it is because he doesn't want me to cry, he wants me to smile. Which I am sure to some level I am correct.

It is easier than telling them, that this is the first time he left without drying my tears and coming back around.

First time I gave it my all, and I still couldn't do anything to show him it is okay for him to love and be loved. That he isn't a horrible person.

First time that I cry over him and he isn't there to soothe me.

He is more than the person I am truly in love with.

He is one of my very close, trusted dearest friends.

I told him everything.

Things that I don't tell others about.

And I thought maybe one day he will know everything about me.

I guess the high school me never really left.

I am a hopeless romantic who just wanted everything to work out the way they do in fairy-tales.

I had a dream last night that he messaged me and we were talking like nothing happened and everything was alright. 

I'm exhausted. I am exhausted trying to suppress my feelings, to make myself move on faster.

I realized that I still think about him every moment, he didn't post at all yesterday/today....whatever one will call it since we are in two different time zones.

And the aching feeling of not seeing his post hurt.

Not talking to him was bearable because I knew he was posting. 

I am sure that he got busy, or didn't feel like posting.

I hate being like this.

I hate how I still love him when I know he doesn't want to be with me.

I hate trying to put bandages on things.

I hate that things didn't work out.

I hate that the most.

I wanted...I still want, things to work out between us.

But I am not holding on to anymore.

It is almost 2 weeks since I last talked to him one on one.

I miss him like crazy.

For once, I feel like disappearing.

I just want him. I want to talk to him. I want everything to be okay.

I want to stop feeling useless.

I just want to fast forward to the happier moments between us.

Or rewind back to the happier moments, then press pause and just soak it all up.

Honestly...I don't know how people can do this over and over again.

I am a crazy girl, who had a crazy dream to marry him.

Cliche I know. Dreaming about marrying the first person who loves you.

I guess....I am heading off to bed.

I have to shake this off. It isn't good for him, and I know it isn't good for me for the sake of our friendship.

....But I still love him....

Evening: With an awful looking selfie.

So I decided to take a semi-decent photo today, though I feel like I am still pretty ugly.

Actually I took it like an hour or so ago. 

I was talking to my friend on Instagram, and she kept telling me how I didn't put anything on it in a couple of days. 

So instead of posting a photo on there, I direct messaged her a photo. Hahah,

A really tired Christina.

So I was asked to join the government unit for Nursing.

I had declined during second semester when voting was taking place. They wanted me to run for governor for Nursing. That would be too stressful. But I got a test from a few of the members asking if I would at least think about being a level rep.

I don't think I will accept their offer.

It would be amazing, because I could get away with attendance...but at the cost of the rest of my sanity and my very little free time.

Don't let me always posting on here(and the other blog) and the past emailing to the lovely someone, fool ya. 

I am actually always busy.

I just go online no matter what.

Allows people back home to get in touch with me quicker. Though usually no one does. Go friends! Always keeping in touch and whatnot.

Though speaking of friends, I did talk to Vale recently. She shared a photo I drew years ago. It is really awful to look at because it is worse than my doodles now.

Other than that, I haven't really talked to people.

Even my older sister dropped off the face of the Earth.After I fixed things between her and our parents, and helped her through her breakup from the person she was with since who knows when. She just stops talking to me. Thanks sister. Thanks for keeping in touch. I send her messages, I just get the "seen" from her. Hah, she is like my mom. Mom would see my messages but she wouldn't reply unless she has a reason to talk to me, or to see if I am alive.No other reason. She doesn't want a dead child just yet.

I did get invited to Jhen's place this weekend to eat with everyone. Fiesta of Tagbilaran is this weekend. I told her maybe. I have stuff I need to do at my apartment, chances are I will drop by her place during the late afternoon or something. I tend to just lay in bed for hours and hours after I wake up.I just like the idea of not having anything really do to, other than household stuff.

My cousin is no help when it comes to it now. She likes to go over to her classmate's place, so first thing in the morning she leaves or asks to go to Duero.

I don't mind much. I am starting to get use to being alone. Only down side of it, I forget to eat! She is basically my alarm/reminder to actually eat. 

On a different note....I really want to go back home. But I made it so far already. And Amme is due in a couple of months. I will feel guilty if I leave without meeting her baby boy. She actually visited Sam and I today. And her boyfriend, since he is now in our section. When she texted us that she was at the lobby, the three of us hurried. Her boyfriend hurried because he thought something happened, but she just wanted to see Sam and my face since we haven't seen each other since the last few weeks of second semester. 

The teacher didn't even lecture the three of us about leaving in the middle of class. If it deals with Amme and we are around, they figured nothing would stop us from seeing her. Haha. It was a nice change of pace in my life. 

Though I think I nearly made her have a panic attack because she asked me how were things going with the boyfriend I am head over heels in love....when I told her he dumped me, she freaked out asking if I was okay and why I hadn't told her sooner.

I tried to brush it off that it wasn't a big deal, after all she is with child and she is at a high risk for complications because of her age. Though I know she is now worried since she knows how fondly and...well obsessively I talk about him. 

I hope she will be okay.

And now that I wrote about most of my day, I think I am going to end this post.

Thinking of him makes me tear up and makes me miss him more. I already want to talk to him so badly I feel like I can't breathe.

So, yeah. Still pretty much in love with him. Even though he doesn't want me.

La de da, the story of my life. Hahah. 

Well....'ciao!

Beauty and the Beast

 For the longest time, I always related more towards Belle than anyone else. 

While my old sister related more towards Jasmine. Hah.

Why Belle?
Simply because she and I share common traits.
I don't even mean about the brown hair and brown eyes, but I mean personality wise.

My passion for books, I use to be made fun of for it. Always reading, my classmates use to target me. 

If someone wasn't in part with what they deemed as cool, it made everyone poke fun of the different one.

It is quite lonely. She always felt like an outcast, having no one to actually talk to because she was odd. Sometimes, I get that way.

Today, I was talking to Ember, and I was sharing something personal to her, and the first thing out of her mouth was, "You were that kid that sat in the back of the room being a weirdo, weren't you. I am sure you only grew into being a being freak. You freak." Granted she didn't know that what she was saying hurt my feelings a bit. But it is still completely true. 

She wanted out, and I still want out of my daily life routine. Which is why I decided to take a chance and study in my mom's country. All about new experiences. I still want much more than most people.
Though currently I don't know if I will ever reach it.

As well as her love for someone who is a "beast". Granted her worked out well. All fairy-tales do.

Sadly reality doesn't work that way, otherwise mine would be coming true. But it isn't. Or it is taking so long, maybe there are many flaws in the story. I don't mind that much though, what great story doesn't have horrible parts in it? I want my story to be written as if it is the best story ever. Meaning, I have to take on the pain and heartaches, to have the best times of my life.

I know I am getting older now, and that I should just grow up and let go of such childish thoughts. But that is the thing...it's not who I am. I am a hopeless dreamer.

Why am I posting about Beauty and the Beast anyways? My last post, I had blown up in anger at someone. The reason for this post, is because the person I love has been posting Disney related stuff on the other blog. I have been a Disney girl since I was little. Watching every Disney movie possible. I know almost every song by heart. -smiles- It made me want to post about Disney, but sadly, Disney is also my escape from the real world, since everyone gets their happily ever after. While I am still waiting for mine.

I actually think, he is doing well now. Which is a good thing. I want him to be happy. There isn't anything I want more than him being happy. Thinking he is well makes me smile. After all he deserves happiness! No matter what he says. He isn't as bad as he thinks he is.

He openly posts his feelings on that one blog....I wish I was actually as strong as him and do that. Instead I hide behind this blog. Why? I am scared of him actually reading what is going on in my head. I don't want him to get upset or feel guilty that I still very much love him. Besides that, I complain a lot. I am sure he doesn't want read about my complaining about life, and how much I miss and love him, and how I hope he and I will end back up together. Wishful wanting. That is all it is. He wants to get his life together, and get out of this cycle. To be honest, I still think I am the bad one, not him. He wants to do the right thing, while I want to continue doing what was making me happy.

So why this blog? There is a less chance he checks this blog. He is trying to distance himself, and trying to keep busy, so maybe he doesn't read this blog. I don't know, and doubt I ever well. Which is a good thing. This is now the only place I can ease myself. It is also why I try to purposely make each post as long as I can. Most of it is now my rambling, whatever comes to mind. The longer it is, maybe it will dis-interest him. I mean, I make sure I write out quite a bit so even I get tired of looking at it. Also the coloring is a bit off putting. Hahah.

Am I trying to push him away? No way! I want him next to me. I want to talk to him so badly. I want to tell him everything I post on this blog. I want to run my mouth to him for hours until I bore him with every little detail of my life and try to open him up to find out about him.

But again, he doesn't want that. I see his posts, and I try my best to not mind it so much. Though they make me happy, just knowing he is alive makes me happy. Though I feel like I am being left behind. He seems to be getting on track with what he wanted, and I am still stick. I take two steps in the direction he wants me to go, but I end up falling backwards by 4 steps. It has gotten tiring to keep trying. I realized that today while talking to Sam. She wanted to know how I was holding up. Everyone in London Bridge wanted to know if I was okay Sunday. And I told them I was.

I still wait every once in a while. I log onto yahoo messenger in hopes a miracle will happen and he messaged me, or he wants to talk, or something. But life doesn't work that way. It's okay though. I think that is just part of the process. I regret saying I want to go through the whole breakup normally.
It is too hard! I don't know how people do this. Even though I am busy, really busy, I still end up dazing off thinking of him. Maybe it is only because it has been a week since I last talked to him. About 2 weeks since I last emailed him. So I am just not use to any of this yet. Which is actually funny, because I remember I use to give up on emailing him if he didn't reply after a while, but I centered everything to making sure he was emailed, and knows he is loved.

I told him that I was going to be here always. And I still am. I promised him I would email him no matter what, that I will always be his friend and here to talk to him no matter what, and even if he let go, but how can I do that when all I have is a blog.

Honestly, I don't want to be a bother and just post "I still love you" etc., every post....hahah, though I do that here. It's okay here though. This is my blog. He isn't allowed to post here, so he doesn't have to see what I write in here.

I just miss him. and I just want to tell him, but I don't want to make things awkward between us. After all, he is trying his best. I said I was, but life has gotten too much, so I am taking a break from trying. I will eventually get back up. Maybe next week? Or the following week....but all I know for now, is that I love him. So damn much that I would do anything for him. And not being with him includes that...sadly, since it is what he wants.

It is now safe to end this post. -smiles- It has gotten really long, no one in their right mind would actually sit down and read this. I would, I like going back and relearning about my emotions I had.

Just going to say it once more, "I love him. I miss him."

What an ASSHOLE!!!!!

Seriously. 

Just....WHAT?

What is possibly wrong with that guy's head.

Since when did accompanying my cousin to go see a movie with some friends, and joking around with everyone, mean I wanted to be felt fucking up. 

Don't even know you longer than 10 minutes, and that was enough time  for ya to think I even wanted to be around you.

No. 

Big fat ugly NO.

I went because my cousin wanted to hang out.

There are plenty of other girls in the group.

Feel them up.

Not me.

Thanks, ya arsehole. 

This, this is a fine example of why I am dating myself and not some simple minded horny ass of a face....thing. 

Just....ugh.

Day ruined. 

It is just pain disgusting to even be touched by a person I have no interested in. 

Do I have a sign on me that welcomes that?

I wasn't even dressed like someone who wanted to be fucking touched.

Come on!

Almost 100% covered up, wasn't touching anyone besides my cousin's face. (I enjoy pulling his cheek when he doesn't listen to me.)

"Oh, you have plenty of guys after you." <--- Been told that so many times.

Yeah, they are fuckboys.

Who wants to get with a fucking fuckboy?

Uh, not me.

Thanks but no thanks.

Since I can't have the one I want, I am not fucking around just because someone says a few nice words, so seems decent.

Nah man. I am not a whore.

I swear to all the power in the world, if I EVER see his face again, I will draw blood. 

I am all for sexual contact, don't get me wrong.

I am not a prude. 

But I don't want to be touched by some stranger. Just because the guy knows my cousin, and my cousin knows him, doesn't mean I know ya. And now I don't even want to, on any level.

If I am touched, I want it to be by the hands of the one I trust and make me enjoy it. 

Not by a creep in the movies, who doesn't seem to understand I am not an easy target.

I swear it was a shock for them, everyone there, to see a girl bitch slap a guy and storm out.

Safe to say, my cousin isn't going to hang with me while he is with his friends.

I feel disgusting.

Gross.

....I hate everyone.

Troubles

Since I am mobile, I can't fix the alignment of this post. I will just do that later.

So I slept for only 3 hours last night. 

I was jumping between Jigoku Shoujo: The Three Vessles, and Xena: the warrior princess. 

But I ended up dreaming. 

Of course of him. 

It was weird. I know I dreamt of him, but my mind refuses to let me recall the dream. 

But when I try and think of the dream, my heart starts to race and my heart feels ever so heavy. 

I am pushing myself too hard. I know I am. I should take it slowly. 

Actually, I feel like I am killing my liver. Since there is a sharp pain. 

Haha, that would just be awful if something is actually wrong with me. 

I doubt there is. 

I always think something is wrong with me

So....he posted he was on messenger. 

Reading those words...the pain in my heart made it feel like someone was trying to kill me. 

It took almost all my self control not to message him. 

I swear it is killing me not to talk to him like before. 

Though I am happy how things are. At least he is here. I just can't talk to him. 

I always just have to whisper, "everything will be alright"

I hope so. 

My grandma called me eariler thos morning. She yelled at me in tears because my mom actually refused to send the money. Though I agree with my mom, I had not told her to send or not to send. I just informed her like they wanted me to.

So they all think I am behind it. 

My grandma kept telling me I am the devil's child and how much she hates me. 

I never understood why she dislikes my older sister and me. We never did anything to her. 

I am suppose to go back to Duero this weekend for dance practice for a fesita next month....but nevermind that. 

I am dropping out. 

I feel unwelcomed if she is in that kind of mood. 

My mom tells me to not let it get to me. 

I guess that is all I can do. 

I am getting tired. 

School and my family is draining me.

I miss him.

So much.

My family here needs to CHILL

I get it.

What happened was awful.

But it isn't helping to be parading around the island, claiming you want peace for my uncle.

How much longer are you going to hold onto the grudge of his death!

I know it hurts.

I know that nothing will bring him back.

But forcing everyone to hold a mass in his honour in every town for the next forty days, is a big much.

My family doesn't understand the concept of money.

They think just because my mom lives in the states that they can easily do whatever they want.

To hold a mass for any reason in the cathedral, costs a lot. Not to mention transportation fees of everyone. 

Since it is summer, that means EVERYONE is available.

There is just too many family members to do something like that with. 

For one person to go around the island is about 1500, and knowing my family it will be over 20-30 people who will be forcing themselves to attend.

Are they willing to lay out the money for that?

Of course not.

They have no money.

They barely get by every week.

I have to make sure they have food on the table because no one at the main house works.

Most o my cousins are college graduates but they refuse to get jobs, and live freely off my mom.

So what do they want me to do?

Ask my mom to send money over for this thing they want to do.

Why do they want to do it?

Because the killers haven't been caught.

My mom and I both agreed that it is for the best to not continue with the investigations, and to just forgive what happened.

But they can't seem to.

So instead they want my mom to spend two grand on this feeble attempt to get attention to the case my mom wants to let go.

It isn't that much.

I know.

But at the moment my family isn't doing well, and with my older sister's life decision, my mom just afford to allow something like that to happen.

But I know she will feel down right guilty if she denies my grandma the right to mourn her son's death.

So it most likely will happen the way they want it to.

Last time I went home, everyone was settled in letting it go.

I am nearly certain my uncle's mistress/girlfriend, whoever she was to him, went to the main house and talked to them about doing this. 

She is no good.

I have no idea why they are allowing her to rule the household.

I feel sorry for my mom. 

I feel bad for having to tell my mom their wishes, because she is always a walking stress ball.

And now, I am unsure about things.

Like I said before.

My life likes to become a roller-coaster.

If it isn't one thing in my life, it's another. 

I wish I could just talk to him.

He always put me at ease, even if I kept what is bothering me from him.

Just talking to him about nonsense always helped me.

But I guess I am to handle my emotions alone.

I can do it.

More strain, but nothing I can't handle.

"Thumbelina: "And the Beetle said I was ugly!"

 Jacquimo: "Do you love the Beetle?"

 Thumbelina: "No..."

 Jacquimo: "Then he does not matter. The only person who matters is the one you love.""

- Thumblina and Jacquimo, 1994 film by Don Bluth and Gary Goldman

Since 2012

I never changed the blog's layout. 

It stayed the same for so many years. 

I never realized how quickly time slips away from you.

I am sure Jen would be shocked by the new design I decided to go with.

A bit darker than it was. 

Okay, a lot more darker than it was.

And why not?

Red Spider Lilies are my favorite flower, so I decided to go with it.

Always, I been watching Jigoku Shoujo again. 

With all my newly founded free time, I feel more lost than ever. 

Haha.

No one's fault.

The interesting part in all of it, is the fact that now people want to hang out with me.

I want to stay alone, and now my phone gets blown up with requests to go out. 

Tsk, the timing of it all.

I went out with friends yesterday.

Today, Ember decided to text me.

She wanted to go see a movie.

Usually I would be all for it.

But I know her.

She.....at first I thought she and I would get along.

But she only likes to gossip about relationships. 

And when it comes to beauty and whatnot, she puts me down and builds Sam up.

I don't mind. Sam needs the confidence booster.

But it bothers me that whatever I say she has to go and twist it to her own enjoyment, or she will leave me out of things. Such as sitting together, or stuff.

But when it comes down to it, her friends don't really care about her.

They don't tell her assignments, nor do they give her heads up about anything.

Which, in respect is quite sad. 

So I just let her push me around. I mean, she complains often she has no friends.

Though, she confessed she enjoys talking to me because I don't take offense to her remarks, and she feels more at ease talking to me because there isn't a language barrier.

But sometimes, I can't stand being around her.

Slowly I can't stand being around Tony either. 

He always is trying to pick a fight. 

I think he wants Sam and Gerald to get together, or he likes to tease Sam about the whole thing.

I don't know. But it makes me uncomfortable around him sometimes.

More so he likes to act all tough, but when it comes down to it, he is a sissy.

After the shooting in front of my apartment, he refuses to drive down that area.

Because he is scared something will happen to him.

Often asking me, "Aren't you scared?"

Honestly...no I am not.

Maybe it is from where I grew up.

Out of all the Americans, I am the only one who grew up in a bad area in a city.

They are all from the country side.

Growing up near south beach, and dealing with the "Ghetto" wannabes, as well as always hearing gun shots, it doesn't scare me anymore.

Which, I think isn't a good thing at all.

But I can't help but feel that he, and the others are way too scared about things.

I should be more careful when it comes down to it.

After all, I am still a girl, and I don't look like the people here.

I am an easy target if they wanted money.

Sometimes, I wonder who would miss me if I disappeared. 

My family is pretty big, but it is just always one of those thoughts that comes to mind when you are alone.

I know people will miss me.

In fact I can hear a few people lecturing me about my well being and how I should be careful.

But it is funny.

Because I am a nice, well mannered, with a high patience, people often think I am fragile. 

That I can't handle things.

I can though.

A few days ago, I was wondering who I am.

I still don't really know who I am.

I don't think I will ever find out fully.

But I am still me.

I know what I want.

What I love.

Dislike, and like.

I know how much I can handle.

Today was a pretty good day, overall.

But randomly the feeling of abandonment, the feeling of not being wanted by that one person sinks it's teeth in me.

I go from laughing, back to trying to hold back tears. 

Tears that won't even come out, even if I wanted them too!

Haha

I guess this is what happens when you lose the one you love.

I can bare with it.

I just wish I could talk to him.

Pass my free time with him again.

To make him smile.

"My heart...it feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you love me too. Just your heart, in exchange for me."

                                                                                                                                                 - StarDust

Current thoughts...

I am currently sitting on my bed, not wanting to do my assignments. 

I am just tired of school. I will most likely get it done before classes tomorrow. I always managed somehow. 

I been watching old movies. Well movies that I consider to be old. 

Swan Princess, Anastasia, Thumbelina, StarDust, Tuck Everlasting....

And the Princess Bride. 

I love romance movies. But I don't watch them often. 

It usually causes me to think that I will never find that story book kind of love.

I don't think I really want that kind of love.

Okay...maybe a StarDust type. -laughs- Or the Princess Bride. 

Such nice movies to watch.

I don't think he knows that I am still here for him if he ever needs to talk.

Though I doubt he will ever bend and talk to me if he even needs someone to talk to. 

He is such a stubborn boy.

Pushes everyone away. 

But I am still holding on. 

Why?

Because he is a baby who throws fits and he needs to learn that friends don't just turn their backs on each other, even if pushed away. 

I just hope one day we will get to talk to each other soon. 

It is really boring not having him around. 

I didn't realize how often I emailed him about nothing.

It was something I wanted to do, so I never noticed how much time it took from my day.

I need to find something to fill those now empty moments.

So I decided to turn back to this blog.

Confessing my love about him here has helped me more than I thought. 

No judgement, and I do hope he doesn't read this blog. 

That would be a bit...hard to explain why I am still not over him. 

Hah. 

So I was thinking of all the times he and I had over the past 7 years. 

So many things came back. 

I couldn't help but smile. 

The one thing that makes me laugh was the one time he claimed me as his own, with the reason he doesn't want anyone else to have me. 

I think it was that moment that made me realize how important he was to me. 

I knew I always liked him more than a friend after a few days. 

After all I created a big mess.

I always create a mess when it comes to him.

Christian, this girl online, the girl from his home country, and two people he knew from his past. I don't want to write their names in my blog because one of those people almost made me got crazy. 

But the point is, I always made a mess out of our relationship. 

And no matter how hard I try to clean it up, I just keep making it worse.

But somehow, he always turned back to me, made sure I was okay. 

He, without knowing it, his gentle hand was something I didn't expect to see every time I screwed things up.

He never got mad at me. 

Honestly...I didn't deserve him. 

But after a while I grew with him. 

Even know, sometimes when I sleep, I have dreams where he and I are living happily ever after.

It hurts that it may never come to be. 

 The way he thinks, is a bit morbid. 

I feel that he may think I already moved on and he is left in the dark by himself. 

He isn't. 

If I could tell him one thing...

It would be that he is never alone. 

I am always here for him. 

I always love him.

Not that he would listen. 

So I just quietly watch him. 

Thankfully he posts on the conjoined blog.

It eases me to know he is alive. 

I want him to be happy.

He bled for me so much. Always, stressed and worrying about me. 

I didn't think of his feelings. 

I just happily forced him back into a relationship he was trying to get away from.

I think I am one of the most awful human beings in the world for not allowing him to cut ties with me. 

But I am a hopeful person. 

I know I told him I will move on. I will find someone else.

But for now....

I just want to be in love with him.

I don't want to think about someone else.

It took me almost 7 years to realize I fully love him. 

Honestly, I don't want to lose him.

But being with me makes him unhappy, so I just want to watch over him. 

I am helpless and clueless when it comes to love, but I do know how to put aside my feelings, and 

All I want....

is for him to be happy.

Him to find happiness.

To find his "light"

for him not to worry about me. 

Okay...that is a lie.

There is still a major part of me who wants us to get back together.

It's sad.

When I think of marriage, when I think of the person I want to be with, all I can think of is him.

I guess this is what heartbreaks are.

Knowing what you want, but knowing you can't have it. 

I still love him. 

Whatta Day!

First time in days that I was able to smile almost all day long. 

Th start of the day was a bit dull. I laid in bed for a few hours after waking up. I didn't want to start on the day. Since it was the weekend, it hit me fully that my life centers around one person. 

But for the good of him, because he wants me to be happy...or something.

I don't want him to worry about me.

So what did I do?

I decided to go out to the mall on a date.

With who though?

ME! 

-laughs- 

I can date myself. I see no reason why not.

Originally I was just going to sit at the mall's Dunkin' Donuts, while I use their wifi and order whatever sweet unhealthy thing I wanted. 

But I ended up running into London Bridge. 

It wasn't everyone. Pamu wasn't in the city, she apparently went back to her home town because her mom was getting a medical check up. 

So Jhens, Patch, and Yna decided that they should just stick with me instead of roaming around together. 

That ended up me buying them donuts. I always feel bad if I am the only one eating, so I make sure everyone eats. 

Since it was close to lunch time, they all agreed that we should eat together, which is how we ended up at Mcdonald's. 

The number one place, that I realized almost all my classmates like eating with friends at is Mcdonald's. I rarely eat there. But I decided to go along with it. 

Why not? I have nothing planned, since my life decided to melt in my hands. 

In return everyone was on Facebook Messenger, in our group chat, making Sam jealous. 

She wasn't happy she wasn't included into our little foodtrip, so she decided to hop aboard and come to us. 

Jhens and Yna didn't want me to just go home.

Apparently they wanted me to have fun. 

Result?

We went food shopping. 

-laughs-

These girls seriously believe food can solve everything.

Spent 500 on snacks, and alcoholic drinks. 

Yay for Patch FINALLY being legal to drink with us. 

We ended up at Yna's place since her parents weren't home. 

I would have offered up my apartment, but I didn't feel like having to prep everything and rush before they came in. 

It was a lot of fun. 

First time I was over a classmate's house, besides lovely Tony's apartment and Gerald's. 

We ended up working on our assignments together, singing loudly off key to the Spice Girls, Little Mix, and whatever song they had on the laptop. Everyone also wanted me to do their nails. 

Now everyone has matching nails. 

I wasn't fully into the group hangout, but I was trying my best to keep myself from detaching from them. 

 I think today went fairly okay. 

Unlike the rest of the week, the day was going nicely. When I spaced out, one of them would jump on me, forcing me to rejoin them.

I am still sad though.

I don't know what I was expecting this Saturday. 

Maybe I was thinking that something would change, and everything will end up happily like how I want it. 

Maybe I was thinking I would wake up with a loving message telling me it was all a horrible joke or mistake. 

But that didn't happen. 

My chest feels tight still whenever I am alone, but at least I don't cry over it anymore. 

I just miss him so much. 

He was such a big part of my life. 

And I want him to continue to be a part of my life. 

Friend or otherwise. 

It doesn't matter, as long as he is in it. I always enjoy our interactions, and conversations. It brings a smile on my face that no one else has ever managed to put on me. 

But....I am still breathing. 

Still smiling. 

After all, the world doesn't stop spinning just because I am hurting. 

....I still love him.

Misfits and London Bridge

I often go through friends quite easily, I am naturally a social butterfly, both in a good way and a bad way.
I know many people, yet unable to open up to them on a personal level, so it becomes more of just peers than friends.
But since the ending of last school year, I became close to a few girls from class.
Which is more interesting, considering, I was always around guys back in the states.

Still, I had female friends. But not as many as I should. But over here, I have two barkadas. Two groups of friends. Since everyone loves to give their names to their groups, both groups created their own names. The Misfits, and London Bridge.
Fitting for the two groups.

The Misfits...My best friends in school, we are the ones who are looked more towards as abnormal from the rest of the students. Each having our own habits that others don't approve of.
       
London Bridge, we all are about having fun. Of course there are males in our groups, but when it comes to including each other, these girls have each others back. Usually, I am used to having to wait until a group needs another member, but in London Bridge, I don't. They automatically group me with them. It is actually nice.

Lately, I been feeling down. Nothing, and I mean nothing seems to be going right for me no matter how hard I try.

I reconnected with the one person I love, and gained more happiness than I ever thought I could have. Sadly it was short lived. I been feeling broken and waiting to drown in my broken pieces.
I felt, at times still do right now, that I am unwanted and should just hide away.
I am not good enough for anyone.
I  didn't know what a difference it makes to have female friends to open up to.
To cry to.

I bottle up most of my emotions because I hate making people worry about me, but they noticed small details to my daily habits. And easily picked up on that something was wrong.
Instead of telling me I was better off without him.
Instead of telling me to move on, and to have fun.
They listened and hugged me. They didn't say anything bad.
They understood I am hurting, and it wasn't right for them to attack the person I love no matter what was going on.
They just listened.

They aren't happy I am putting myself down. But I know they are there. Just watching.
I feel bad that I am dragging my emotions the way I do, usually I just bounce right back up.
But things just keep seem to be hitting one right after another. If it's not one thing in my life, it's another.

I honestly believe I used up most of my happiness on the short lived love of my life.
And that is fine with me. I have no regrets on that.
But it hurts. It really does.
Though, even with the pain, I can still smile.
I know I love him.
And I know that he means well.
I miss him dearly, and it's as if I have an empty hole in my chest, and I keep wanting to email him, tell him everything. The little things that make me thing of him.
It's a bother to him though. Not that it matters. There isn't a way for me to email anyways.
I always wanted to be his light. I wanted to light up whatever darkness was around him.
Even if it became hard, I knew inside I was able to handle it.
I wanted to make his life filled with happiness and love.
But he decided that it wasn't me that is suppose to be his light.
Even so, I want to remain his friend. And light up the days where it becomes dark.
He would always argue with me that he wasn't good for me.
Something about him being dark and having no light.
But even in the darkest of nights, the stars shine.
The dark is beautiful if it isn't feared.
Sadly I couldn't convince him.

.....I miss him.