Just timing of everything.
Okay, so I decided to open my heart up to Matt since slowly he was showing he was going nowhere and that we could actually work long term. Like....I opened myself to rejection and abandonment. Yes I called him my boyfriend, both cause of some interest, but as well to keep creeps away. Kinda like how Christian was. But I never fully fell for him. But Matt is my best friend. And things seemed....so right? Everyone also agreed he and I were met to be. The greatest love story ever, best friends since high school, both leave the country, then find love in each other while separated by oceans only to be reunited in a short time. Hahahahah. But due to his situation, and now the girl running back to him and holding loving feelings towards him still.....not that I don't trust him. But her kid could be his. (I knew about it before everything. I helped him deal with that breakup 2 years ago.) But I figured that she moved on after breaking up with him and used the kid to get with her ex.
....how can he turn her away? They were serious and a possiblity of an actual kid involved. This whole day after he told me they started talking to each other, my heart slowly started breaking. I mean....how can I compete with her? If that is his kid, I wouldn't want to keep him away from his son that he been wanting to see. And if she still harbors strong feelings towards Matt....the smartest thing would be for them to try and work it put as a family. The child deserves that. THEY deserve that. But....I like Matt too. And he opened that door. He clawed his way through making me fall for him a little each day. He....he made me believe that crossing that line from best friends to lovers will be worth it, telling me he is going nowhere. But....that was all before now.
I can't do anything. I am stuck between trying to be a best friend with his best interest at heart, and now my feelings which he caused. The struggle is real.
I may become the 2nd option to him. Or maybe I was nothing more than a fling. Something to help him not feel all alone. Someone he can have as a backup?
Why does this always seem to happen?
Christian, Ashe and Matt. I always feel like I am just an option, that their hearts belong to someone else.
Christian dated me while being in love with Nadia, though he'd deny it.
Ashe....I am sure he was(may still be) in love with Chelsea, even if she is married.
And Matt....I don't know. But I am getting that feeling once again. That feeling that I am no longer important. That I am just there because they like me but not enough to give me their heart.
And people wonder why I pay no attention to guys who chase after me anymore. Once they catch me, I tend to get tossed aside.
What sucks is that i don't think he realizes it. And if the girl confesses his feeling he will talk to me about it...and I know how i will handle it. I'd...step back with a smile telling him not to worry about anything. Like i always do. I always step back. He doesn't realize now is the time I want to run away,and his "I will follow you and give you a reason to stay" may fail.
I'll just accept I may just be unloveable and I will come second to others, and just not dip my hand in relationships anymore if this one falls through. I will just shut that door and be content in being everyones friend that helps find their soulmate.
Heh, maybe I was forgotten, and never was given one. Late night rambles from a really tired girl. I have a big day tomorrow.
'Ciao.
