It has been 3 months, and a few days, since I been back. My relationship with Matt has...well it has been progressing quite well. He always looks out for me. He doesn't want me to fit any role, or do anything I don't want to do.
I still haven't fully processed the relationship. I mean we have been together for 3 months now. I know he is my boyfriend. He keeps me calm and makes my heart race. But at the same time, when I lay next to him and cuddle him, or if I stay up too late, the realization of my boyfriend being him....it hits me hard.
Now, now. Don't get me wrong. I can confidently say I love him. And he confidently says he loves me. Nothing is wrong between us. But, the knowledge that he is my best friend. The guy I wing manned for during high school, the guy that I babied and always worried about. That is the same guy who lays next to me in his bed when we watch movies. The same guy who drives me everywhere, pays for stuff when I state I want something (which to his dismay is rare). He is the same guy that kisses me so urgently and holds me tightly not wanting to let me go. They are one of the same. It freaks me out every now and then when I think about it.
Why does it freak me out? Cause he is now the guy who can break my heart. He is now the guy I depend on and crave attention from. If he hurts me, who do I turn to? If I hurt him, who does he turn to?
These past couple of months it has been an...well an experience. I don't eat much anymore. I kinda stopped eat as much during third year in college due to being so sad over Ashe just disappearing out of my life again and me having fallen so hard for him again at that time.
Matt knows my eating habits are horrible. I would go days without eating. Even now. I wouldn't eat for a whole day. He gets upset about it. He cares. Even though i have fat on me that will keep me going for who knows how long. But! He makes me eat anyways. Even if I am not hungry. As long as I put something in me, he is happy. But since I don't get hungry much, he...well...he now feeds me. Literally. Cause, well he said, he noticed that I wouldn't eat unless it is his food. So when we go out to eat, we split a meal. He makes sure I eat some by literally feeding it to me, sometimes cutting me off in the middle of my sentence. If he buys me my own meal, he always reminds me to eat what i can and i can either take it home or give it to him to finish. I always opt to give to him. Dispite him being out of the Navy for a while, he has the appetite of one still. And he eats fast. Makes me feel bad when he is stuck waiting 20 minutes or more for me to finish even half of my small meal. He says it is fine cause he likes watching me eat.
He also talks about me to all his gamer friends. Whenever he does post about me on Facebook, one of them would comment making fun of him and reassuring him I am good for him. Even his coworkers and regular customers know about me. Whenever I walk into Lowes to see him while he is working, (which technically I shouldn't do, but they love me visiting him cause they see his face light up and him actually smiling) they tell me I should marry him, and don't let him go. Since it is Lowes, many of the workers are elderly, and they make sure it that I know all his good points and how helpful he is. They make a point that he is a good guy, though Matt and I keep it quiet that we been best friends since 9th grade. After all, they would ask what took us so long to get together. We just tell him I am his long lost best friend who returned. Never the length of being best friends. I mean, it is a bit odd. We've know each other since 9th grade! I am still good friends with his exes. Even his first love. Talk about awkwardness. They all support Matt and I. Everyone said it was always there but we were stupid.
Last night, Matt and I went to walmart. I was over at his place because I was watching the first Raid of the expansion that was released mid-last month. And my mom wanted me to get toilet paper since we ran out, and she forgot before she went home. He didn't mind going out of his way and make a detour before taking me home. As he says, it gives us more time to be together. He refuses to let me pay for things. Even though I do have a job. He feels like he should pay for things. I guess fighting him about it will do no good. But I have a habit. I am very indecisive. I always go back and forth whenever I need to make a choice or a decision, no matter how small. Like....who would I date, what will I wear, what do I say. So last night, when we were leaving, I swerved the shopping cart back and forth before going outside. I was in the middle while walking? Between the entrance and exit doors. So I couldn't make up my mind on which door to go through, and before walking into the thing, I moved towards the exit, where Matt was going.
He smiled at me telling me he thinks it is adorable how I deeply thought about where to walk through. Which i flatly asked how did he know I was debating on which door to use. He told me he knows cause he watches me all the time when I am with him. Honestly, I never catch him looking at me, or even in my direction. And I look at him A LOT. He explained that he always keeps me in his field of vision so he can watch me but always keep an eye out in case something happens. Which is why he always keeps a firm hold of my hand when we go out. He fears of human trafficking ever since he was stationed in Sicily. And since I am very friendly and very easy to talk to, he doesn't want someone to take me away.
He even gets really upset when he notices a guy "checking me out". Which I laughed at cause no one checks me out. I know guys flirt with me every now and again, but that doesn't mean much. Since usually it is because they flirt with everyone or because they are making fun of me. So I tend to tune the flirting out. But apparently to him, it is the guys who quietly watches me that aggrivates him. So I am always to be on his left side. His non-dominate hand, so he can protect me.
There has only been one case, in public, where someone said anything to me in a sexual manner. And it took a lot of me to calm Matt down. It was just over my breasts. That they were huge and, as the guys stated, "fuckable".
It makes me happy that he is very protective of me. And that he can read me so easily. I lose my nerve when he goes from being the goofy gamer best friend, to the confident protective boyfriend. I forget that he is a guy at times and then he does something that reminds me he is not the weakling he use to be. He even apologizes whenever he snaps at me. Even if it is my fault. Hehe. He says it just makes him feel bad cause of the hurt look on my face and he can't stand having that look on me. He has made a habit to cup my face whenever I feel down or squeeze me tightly. To know that those are the arms that are going to hold me, the arms that will most likely be the ones that will cuddle me at my weakest moments...it makes me melt.
My friends all know how I feel about Matt. But they still worry. I mean Matt is still the possible father of his last ex's son. The other guy refuses, flat out refuses to take the DNA test, and Matt said if he needs to he will. But he hasn't really done much to go and do it. He gets really scared whenever he talks about his possible son. It hurts him every time his ex messages him. He is too much of the "nice guy" to ignore and cut her out. He worries about her and her son's well being, but nothing more. He gives her helpful suggestions on what she should do because of her current situation she got herself in. But he isn't risking anything that would make me walk away. So it has come up on "what will I do if it turns out the son his in fact his".
I mean that is a normal concern. My friends have it. Even his mom is scared to bring up the fact he may already have a kid out in the world. She is scared because she has been the mom with kids dating other guys. She knows that people disapprove and it is had for the other person to accept the child as their own or to be accepting of the situation in general.
Matt even worries. Honestly....I don't know what will happen if and when he finds out, if he ever does take the test to find out. I expressed my personal concerns. Like if it is his, will he go back to her and try to work things out for the sake of the kid, would it mean the end of our relationship, or if the kid makes things up about me or the girl tries to make him side with her and the son against me. He reassures that won't happen. Yes he admits if she has chosen him and they never broke up they would be a loving family. But she didn't. She broke them up before giving him a chance just cause he couldn't be there for the birth. HE WAS DEPLOYED AND EVEN TOOK IT UP WITH THE PERSON IN CHARGE TO TRY AND GO TO WHERE SHE WAS. But he was denied. It wasn't his fault. And she tossed him away for the other guy who is nothing but a freeloading abusive bum. He tells me that nothing will make him give me up as long as I want him as mine. That even if the kid is his nothing will make him go back to her cause she destory the future he wanted with her and he already has a new one he wants with me. Matt is a nice guy to his exes. He always has been. He wants to build a life with me. Marriage, kids, family. He also refused that if I give birth, he will not miss it. He would rise hell. He think about that a lot.
There is a chance by next year my parents will move to a bigger apartment and Matt will move in with us. He knows about it and he wants to so badly just so he can not let me go and always have me with him at night.
Honestly. I always knew I was a clingy girl. That I am also possessive in my own way. But he likes that side of me. He says I remind him so much of a cat needing attention. And he is right. Cause I am the one who brought up the idea of us moving and him moving in with us so we can save and whatnot. My parents don't mind. They approve of him. Though my mom keeps asking me about Ashe.. cause she is weird like that. I tell her that I haven't talked to him since July when i informed him about Matt and I. I believed Ashe when he said we can just be friends and that he'll talk to me more and more AFTER I get a boyfriend. Now I have one and he is still no where to be found. I don't think illy of him. I still think of him very highly. I been tempted to email him to find his address so I can send him something on his birthday, as a friend. Matt doesn't mind cause he knows I am faithful to a fault. He knows I worry about Ashe's well being. He also knows I am sticking with him and will eventually one day be his wife so he doesn't worry about me when i talk to other guys. After all Matt is very confident in me for more than one reason. Which I agree. I may have had such an intense love with Ashe, one that will never happen again. But the love I have with Matt...it is raw. Everything is exposed. He knows all about me. He knows what I look like naked. He knows my worries, my fears. I know all of that about him as well. There is no hiding. No secrets. Everything good and bad is laid out in the open between us. It is raw. And maybe that is why I cling more tightly to him than I did with Ashe. I was always afriad of pushing Ashe's buttons. Afraid of being a brat. But with Matt. I am not afraid. I just am not. My fears just. They go away. I am scared of lizards, but I managed to be around them when he is around. He keeps me calm and focus on him. Like...I...I am happy. These past 3 months has been....amazing. more so that it has been 3 months, and I am not scared that Matt will just up and disappear.
We may not have been each other's firsts loves, but we sure as hell each other's last loves.
