9:21 PM -07.19.25

 

I am so mentally tired. I don't think I realized how tired I was. From dealing with my own personal emotions and then what happened last night. 

I basically slept too much today. I was knocked out. Any and all plans I had went out the window. I was...am too tired to deal with the world. 

He helped ease my mind and feelings though. I reached out to him last night without thinking and he was very nice about it. 

I'm not sure if I'm going to have a hard time sleeping tonight or not. Oh well, I'll be up watching To You Eternity. I'm almost done with the series. Season two isn't as good as season one. It's focusing a lot on the emotion love, and it feels very forced in trying to make the main character be with another character. 

Today wasn't a bad day. Dad is home, he is doing well. He still feels weak, but he is talkative, watched TV. I know he'll get stronger. But it does also make me realize he is 76 years old. He is old. I know he doesn't have much time left in the world. Most people go around 80-90 years old. But I am thankful he is still alive. I don't know how my mom will take his death. She was so destroyed and helpless. Which is very unusual for my mom. She is the head of the household. Not only here but over in the Philippines. She makes all the decisions, and deals with so much that she is known to be the scary Atie by my cousins. But last night...she looked small. My dad looked small. And it made me realized that despite everything, I'm basically the only child they have they has been there for them. The only one who became a landing spot for them when they can't figure things out. Parents aren't all knowing. Parents learn daily as much as the rest of us. 

I'm just glad everything has settled down. And honestly glad I let go of everything after talking to him and managed to put myself in a semi sleep coma. I indeed needed to rest. I been fighting with myself this whole month to be okay. I think closing off and shutting my mind down and turning off my emotions actually helped me. Maybe...I'll just do that.