Christmas 2018

My first Christmas that I am not single. Yes technically I wasn't single before on a few Christmas', but he and I weren't a couple, we were always on the fence on where we stood.

But this year... I honestly wasn't single. I am in a relationship, on that hasn't had a break yet or a breakup(though a part of me fears it will happen but he reassures me I am just thinking too much cause of the past) i haven't seen Matt in a little over a week. Due to work of course, so we decided to spend Christmas together. And because his brother's girlfriend was also there(finally she never had family dinner with them but I had tons of times) the whole family toasted to her and I welcoming us into the family.

True we have our troubles. I constantly get upsef over every little thing if it doesn't go right. He focuses on his games way more than he should. But after fighting, or having a couple's spat, one of us breaks the tension and we laugh and apologize. 

He tries his hardest. He knows he isn't the best looking guy who was after me, nor was he the one with most money or promise for a bright future. He still worries I may just change my mind and walk away. Little does he know, I wouldn't. Someone who puts me first and cares about my feelings to the point it hurts them when they feel they did something wrong. Someone who is willing to do anything to keep me, willing to go along with my nonsense without questioning me. He doesn't realize that him making me feel safe is what made me fall for him. The fact I can do no wrong in his eyes. That he can never hate who I am....it is the million little things that piled up and made me see him as more than a friend. 

Now, tmi now, I been a virgin for 25 years. By choice. I done sexual stuff but not sex, I always wanted to save myself for the one I will marry, or at least someone deserving. Cliché I know. But it is kinda romantic thinking that. I blame my parents for being literally a walking hallmark love story. Hahaha. Anyways, I am not a virgin anymore. Haven't been since August-September this year. I know he and I weren't together long, but it felt right. And he knew I was and didn't even pressure me about sex. He always asked for consent if he felt he was moving things along too fast for me. I scare easily. After our first kiss I ended up being too shy to talk to him. It was weird. Doing all of this with him is weird for me. All of our firsts are weird to me. I always end up thinking, " this is matt...the loner who was my dorky best friend." And it ends up weird for me. To him it feels right and ends up making me feel ever so comfortable with him. 

I am thankful for all the firsts I get to share with him. And that next month will be 7 months together. It is exciting to think 1 year anniversary isn't too far away.

Til next time 'ciao

Lonely

Today I feel lonely. Life just doesn't seem to be good or going right this month. The harder I try the worse it gets. 

I honestly miss talking to Ashe about some stuff and be comforted by his words. 

Now don't get me wrong, Matt is great as well, but recently I feel like I am being over looked and under-appreciated for being his girlfriend. 

I don't feel well. I have a headache and i been crying most of the evening. Good job Christina. I am forever a cry baby.

1 Day

1 day left til I get my cat back. Tomorrow Matt and I will drive down to Miami international airport to go and pick her up early morning. That means I will get to spend....almost 15-16 hours with him. Hahahaha. And the moment I leave him I will be pouty and wanting to stay just a few moments more.

I went from outgoing independent best friend to the overly needy and clingy girlfriend really quick. Okay it wasn't that quick. Took me a while to open up to him emotionally. But I was the one to say "I love you" after 2 months. Now he says it too. He always said it, but never out loud. Now he says it out loud. It is still weird for him to say it. Not cause he doesn't mean it, or cause it is to me. But because emotionally, he is dead. He is still suffering greatly from his last relationship, even though it was years ago. But the fact he says it with a smile on his face, then looks embarrassed and looks away. He is too good for me.

So! Anyways, he loves me so much he isn't letting me take the tri-rail to pick my sister up. I am iffy on how to get to the airport so I was gonna go that route. But Matt doesn't want to take a chance of something happening to me alone, so he volunteered to take me, as well as hang out with us doing errands and go shopping. 

He doesn't care much about meeting Sara, cause of how she treated me and how easily she pushes me around. He basically wants to shield me from anything bad.

He won't even let me sit on the outside part of a booth. I have to be on the inside. Always on his left side. Always holding his hand, or him seeing me next to him, or in front of him.

He isn't possessive of me. Well he is, but more towards safety, like a guard dog. Unless it is with guys checking me out,or flirting with me. Then he gets all "I am her boyfriend" attitude and rages. Hahahah. I don't flirt anymore. I only flirt with him. By calling him a banana or a butthead. 

One thing I am still getting use to, is the fact he hold my hand and then randomly kisses it out of nowhere. It makes me feel like a princess.

He truly is something else. I just hope he and Sara gets along tomorrow.

Ciaò, til next time.

Family

Next week I am gonna see my older sister and get my cat back. My cat from back in 2012. 😊 I am excited to get my cat back. True I have to see my older sister. I am iffy about seeing my older sister, but Matt agreed to hang around her and I. I am very happy to know he is willing to bum around her and I doing errands. I love the fact he is willing to give up his day off to run around with me and my family.

I feel amazing when it comes to my feelings towards him. He is part of my family. He may have nothing but debt, but...what happens happens, as long as he and I stay together we'll figure things out.

Also so freaking glad that I got my period this month. Truly freaking scared me when it came late.

Anyways, tired. So cìao til next time.

Work

So, while waiting for my papers to process and get approved so I can take the NCLEX here and become an RN, I decided to get a part-time job. Well, it was SUPPOSE to be a part-time job, but I now work the full time hours. -laughs-

I wanted to just pass time and have a little extra spending money. Now I work 5 days and have no time for anything else. My 2 days off is either spent studying, or trying my hardest to see Matt. But there just isn't enough time.

Hopefully in the next few month he'll be able to move in with my family. That is the closest thing so far. His family wants him out, well his stepdad and his brother. His mom wants him to be safe. But she is okay knowing he will be with me, cause she trusts me with her first born. 

Though, I am worried that she is thinking he and I are having sex. -laughs- We have no time to have sex. We are too busy with work and trying to get life together, so that was funny when she talked to Matt about us having sex.

But work. Work takes up so much of our time. I cannot wait til we live together so we won't have to try so hard to see each other. It is tiresome. But I am glad he drive the half hour to see me and about 45 minutes to pick me up from work. I love how he also puts in effort to call me when he has free time just so I can feel at ease from not seeing him as much as I want.

I have a hate/love relationship with work. I love the job, I love the people there, I love the customers. 

Only time will tell if I am cut out for adulting. I better be.

Cìao, til next time.

Time

Time goes by ever so quickly. I am not where I expect I would be when I was 17-18 years old. I definately not with the person I was wanting.

Time changes and goes by so quickly. Like. Damn!

One change that happened recently, Matt and I do phone calls. Hahaha, we call each other during the day time to hear each others voice cause we miss the comforting sound of our voices.  At first it was weird for us cause the last time we talked on the phone was during high school....like 10th grade? Hahaha. We drafted after I stopped calling him. But now we started calling each other again.

So! Monday, I went to Matt's work.. again. Haha, they are just getting use to me hanging around him. So his coworkers have been very happy with the fact his girlfriend has been either dropping off sweets/snacks personally or have him bring in my snacks that I give him when I see him outside of his work. He apparently likes to share them with everyone at work. Hahaha.

When we were leaving after the store closed, one coworker of his named Al, asked if I was related to Matt. I told him no, I am not related to him, but I will be part of his family soon enough. That made every one who was waiting to get out go awe cause Matt happily smiled about it.

Like I said. Time changes things. Everyone there keeps telling me they haven't seen him so....bright and cheerful like he has recently. He was so mopey and depressed since he started working there. Now he is active and always smiling and offering help.

Honestly. I love seeing him get his life turned around. He deserves so much in life. I am glad that me being his is helping him do better.

He may not have been my first choice to be with, but he is my last and only choice. I am glad to be with him. He brings me life and joy. He takes away fear. He holds me. I don't know where or who I would be with if his last relationship didn't end. Or if I didn't reach out to him to talk to cause I was feeling down about Ashe. But he and I both know that we are happy together.

I can't believe how much he makes me blush so easily by just looking my way when we are in a group of people. The way he grabs for my hand to kiss it like I was the Princess. How he holds my face when I am pouty until I crack a smile over him placing his forehead against mine.

He...just makes me so happy.

AND I AM FUCKING GLAD I AM NOT PREGNANT. That was a horrible scare. 😂 

Cìao, til next time

Family

So, yesterday, I ended up at Matt's house, like really late...okay not that late. Hahah it was like 9pm.

He had called me out to have dinner with him during his meal break at work. Considering I don't have a car, I had actually took a Lyft to go to his work. That was the most terrifying thing I have done here since I gotten back. Okay, I rode one before but with Ileana. He didn't want me to take one home, so he had me stay at work with him.

While at his work, I got acquainted with a few of his coworkers. One of them was named Lexii, and the other was Carlos. Matt introduced me to Lexii cause she wanted to know my opinion on her career options and whatnot. Carlos wasn't someone he wanted me to talk to. That happened by mistake. Matt had messaged me to "check in" with him, cause he didn't see me and he was worried if I was okay. So I ended up following him around until he brought me to the customer service area to talk with Lexii again, which he joked he had a gift for her, which was some items, but she flat out said "If it isn't your cute girlfriend then I don't want it. I'll take her if it is my gift." Hahaha. Lexii is such a sweet girl. And then while I was sitting there while Matt was throwing things away, Carlos came up to me talk to about nursing and himself. Which I responded to, cause it would be rude otherwise. After Matt came back, he kept glaring at me, well I thought it was at me. But after like 10 minutes, he told Carlos we had to get going and he took my hand and we walked off. When we were far away, Matt told me he doesn't like Carlos. I had to ask why, cause he doesn't dislike people for no reason. Apparently, when Carlos first saw me he was checking me out while Matt was right next to me. I couldn't help be feel really happy. Matt worries so much about my well being and my needs that he gets upset to the point someone else is checking me out. -smiles- 

When we left, he took me to his place, which I was a bit worried cause it was already 9pm and I am not use to going to his place so late, and I didn't want to disturb his mom. So what did he do? HE BRINGS ME TO HIS MOM! And she had a talk with me. It was really embarrassing. She wanted to make sure that I knew I was welcomed in the household and she along with everyone else adores and loves me. Though she couldn't help wonder what I see in her son, cause he is childish. But she hopes that if I ever decide to leave him, Matt and I will find a happy medium and remain friends because she knows how much I mean to him not just as a girlfriend but as his best friend. And she would hate to lose me as a family member since I been around for such a long time, and the kids love me. I told her that there will be a happy medium if we broke up, cause it would be on our terms and nothing bad will happen.
It was very interesting knowing his mom wants us to work out as much as he wants us to. She apparently also expects tons of future grand babies. Hahahah.
Matt brought me home because it was a raid night and I enjoy watching him game and pouting til he gives me attention. That is usually what I like doing. I like seeing if he will just randomly give me what I want as he is busy gaming. And gaming is really important to him. His whole guild and his best friends know all about me, and they are beyond happy that I decided to be with him.

Matt even wonders why I like him. After all, all he is bringing into the relationship is debt and baggage. Which I get, it sucks cause he feels helpless since he wasn't thinking of getting with anyone and he doesn't want to weigh me down with his crap.
But see....that is one of the traits I love about him. He doesn't just think about himself. He always considers how his decisions would affect me and my family and what he can do to make things better.
But the most important one is that he doesn't let me go. I have already done, as well as said some pretty stupid shit in the 3 months we have been together. And he just...he just puts up with me until I apologize and he just hugs me and smothers me with kisses til I stop feeling bad. He hates me feeling anything bad. He doesn't mind feeling bad but if I do, he'll do whatever it takes to put a smile on my face. Who doesn't want that? Someone who cares so much about them that they would do literally anything to keep them. He...he is just the sweetest person when he is a boyfriend. I am not sure who has stronger feelings, but I do know I am happy with him and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. He has been telling everyone that his home is currently not a place he can go to because we live separately. Honestly, I cannot wait til my parents move into a bigger place, so I can have my own room and Matt can move in. Hehehe. He may not have much, but he has the biggest heart, and I trust him with my heart. I know he'll take care of me emotionally and not break my heart. I only hope I can live up to his expectations on how he sees me. Though he loves me how I am, flaws and all.
And I can happy state that he loves me cause he tells me every so often which is utterly adorable. He still struggles to say it confidently, but he whispers it softly to me when he embraces me tightly. I am glad that he loves me and I love him. Almost 4 months together. 😊

Ciao, til next time.

3 Months Back (Long)

It has been 3 months, and a few days, since I been back. My relationship with Matt has...well it has been progressing quite well. He always looks out for me. He doesn't want me to fit any role, or do anything I don't want to do.

I still haven't fully processed the relationship. I mean we have been together for 3 months now. I know he is my boyfriend. He keeps me calm and makes my heart race. But at the same time, when I lay next to him and cuddle him, or if I stay up too late, the realization of my boyfriend being him....it hits me hard. 

Now, now. Don't get me wrong. I can confidently say I love him. And he confidently says he loves me. Nothing is wrong between us. But, the knowledge that he is my best friend. The guy I wing manned for during high school, the guy that I babied and always worried about. That is the same guy who lays next to me in his bed when we watch movies. The same guy who drives me everywhere, pays for stuff when I state I want something (which to his dismay is rare). He is the same guy that kisses me so urgently and holds me tightly not wanting to let me go. They are one of the same. It freaks me out every now and then when I think about it.

Why does it freak me out? Cause he is now the guy who can break my heart. He is now the guy I depend on and crave attention from. If he hurts me, who do I turn to? If I hurt him, who does he turn to?

These past couple of months it has been an...well an experience. I don't eat much anymore. I kinda stopped eat as much during third year in college due to being so sad over Ashe just disappearing out of my life again and me having fallen so hard for him again at that time.

Matt knows my eating habits are horrible. I would go days without eating. Even now. I wouldn't eat for a whole day. He gets upset about it. He cares. Even though i have fat on me that will keep me going for who knows how long. But! He makes me eat anyways. Even if I am not hungry. As long as I put something in me, he is happy. But since I don't get hungry much, he...well...he now feeds me. Literally. Cause, well he said, he noticed that I wouldn't eat unless it is his food. So when we go out to eat, we split a meal. He makes sure I eat some by literally feeding it to me, sometimes cutting me off in the middle of my sentence. If he buys me my own meal, he always reminds me to eat what i can and i can either take it home or give it to him to finish. I always opt to give to him. Dispite him being out of the Navy for a while, he has the appetite of one still. And he eats fast. Makes me feel bad when he is stuck waiting 20 minutes or more for me to finish even half of my small meal. He says it is fine cause he likes watching me eat.

He also talks about me to all his gamer friends. Whenever he does post about me on Facebook, one of them would comment making fun of him and reassuring him I am good for him. Even his coworkers and regular customers know about me. Whenever I walk into Lowes to see him while he is working, (which technically I shouldn't do, but they love me visiting him cause they see his face light up and him actually smiling) they tell me I should marry him, and don't let him go. Since it is Lowes, many of the workers are elderly, and they make sure it that I know all his good points and how helpful he is. They make a point that he is a good guy, though Matt and I keep it quiet that we been best friends since 9th grade. After all, they would ask what took us so long to get together. We just tell him I am his long lost best friend who returned. Never the length of being best friends. I mean, it is a bit odd. We've know each other since 9th grade! I am still good friends with his exes. Even his first love. Talk about awkwardness. They all support Matt and I. Everyone said it was always there but we were stupid. 

Last night, Matt and I went to walmart. I was over at his place because I was watching the first Raid of the expansion that was released mid-last month. And my mom wanted me to get toilet paper since we ran out, and she forgot before she went home. He didn't mind going out of his way and make a detour before taking me home. As he says, it gives us more time to be together. He refuses to let me pay for things. Even though I do have a job. He feels like he should pay for things. I guess fighting him about it will do no good. But I have a habit. I am very indecisive. I always go back and forth whenever I need to make a choice or a decision, no matter how small. Like....who would I date, what will I wear, what do I say. So last night, when we were leaving, I swerved the shopping cart back and forth before going outside. I was in the middle while walking? Between the entrance and exit doors. So I couldn't make up my mind on which door to go through, and before walking into the thing, I moved towards the exit, where Matt was going.

He smiled at me telling me he thinks it is adorable how I deeply thought about where to walk through. Which i flatly asked how did he know I was debating on which door to use. He told me he knows cause he watches me all the time when I am with him. Honestly, I never catch him looking at me, or even in my direction. And I look at him A LOT. He explained that he always keeps me in his field of vision so he can watch me but always keep an eye out in case something happens. Which is why he always keeps a firm hold of my hand when we go out. He fears of human trafficking ever since he was stationed in Sicily. And since I am very friendly and very easy to talk to, he doesn't want someone to take me away.
He even gets really upset when he notices a guy "checking me out". Which I laughed at cause no one checks me out. I know guys flirt with me every now and again, but that doesn't mean much. Since usually it is because they flirt with everyone or because they are making fun of me. So I tend to tune the flirting out. But apparently to him, it is the guys who quietly watches me that aggrivates him. So I am always to be on his left side. His non-dominate hand, so he can protect me.
There has only been one case, in public, where someone said anything to me in a sexual manner. And it took a lot of me to calm Matt down. It was just over my breasts. That they were huge and, as the guys stated, "fuckable".
It makes me happy that he is very protective of me. And that he can read me so easily. I lose my nerve when he goes from being the goofy gamer best friend, to the confident protective boyfriend. I forget that he is a guy at times and then he does something that reminds me he is not the weakling he use to be. He even apologizes whenever he snaps at me. Even if it is my fault. Hehe. He says it just makes him feel bad cause of the hurt look on my face and he can't stand having that look on me. He has made a habit to cup my face whenever I feel down or squeeze me tightly. To know that those are the arms that are going to hold me, the arms that will most likely be the ones that will cuddle me at my weakest moments...it makes me melt.
My friends all know how I feel about Matt. But they still worry. I mean Matt is still the possible father of his last ex's son. The other guy refuses, flat out refuses to take the DNA test, and Matt said if he needs to he will. But he hasn't really done much to go and do it. He gets really scared whenever he talks about his possible son. It hurts him every time his ex messages him. He is too much of the "nice guy" to ignore and cut her out. He worries about her and her son's well being, but nothing more. He gives her helpful suggestions on what she should do because of her current situation she got herself in. But he isn't risking anything that would make me walk away. So it has come up on "what will I do if it turns out the son his in fact his".
I mean that is a normal concern. My friends have it. Even his mom is scared to bring up the fact he may already have a kid out in the world. She is scared because she has been the mom with kids dating other guys. She knows that people disapprove and it is had for the other person to accept the child as their own or to be accepting of the situation in general.
Matt even worries. Honestly....I don't know what will happen if and when he finds out, if he ever does take the test to find out. I expressed my personal concerns. Like if it is his, will he go back to her and try to work things out for the sake of the kid, would it mean the end of our relationship, or if the kid makes things up about me or the girl tries to make him side with her and the son against me. He reassures that won't happen. Yes he admits if she has chosen him and they never broke up they would be a loving family. But she didn't. She broke them up before giving him a chance just cause he couldn't be there for the birth. HE WAS DEPLOYED AND EVEN TOOK IT UP WITH THE PERSON IN CHARGE TO TRY AND GO TO WHERE SHE WAS. But he was denied. It wasn't his fault. And she tossed him away for the other guy who is nothing but a freeloading abusive bum. He tells me that nothing will make him give me up as long as I want him as mine. That even if the kid is his nothing will make him go back to her cause she destory the future he wanted with her and he already has a new one he wants with me. Matt is a nice guy to his exes. He always has been. He wants to build a life with me. Marriage, kids, family. He also refused that if I give birth, he will not miss it. He would rise hell. He think about that a lot.
There is a chance by next year my parents will move to a bigger apartment and Matt will move in with us. He knows about it and he wants to so badly just so he can not let me go and always have me with him at night.
Honestly. I always knew I was a clingy girl. That I am also possessive in my own way. But he likes that side of me. He says I remind him so much of a cat needing attention. And he is right. Cause I am the one who brought up the idea of us moving and him moving in with us so we can save and whatnot. My parents don't mind. They approve of him. Though my mom keeps asking me about Ashe.. cause she is weird like that. I tell her that I haven't talked to him since July when i informed him about Matt and I. I believed Ashe when he said we can just be friends and that he'll talk to me more and more AFTER I get a boyfriend. Now I have one and he is still no where to be found. I don't think illy of him. I still think of him very highly. I been tempted to email him to find his address so I can send him something on his birthday, as a friend. Matt doesn't mind cause he knows I am faithful to a fault. He knows I worry about Ashe's well being. He also knows I am sticking with him and will eventually one day be his wife so he doesn't worry about me when i talk to other guys. After all Matt is very confident in me for more than one reason. Which I agree. I may have had such an intense love with Ashe, one that will never happen again. But the love I have with Matt...it is raw. Everything is exposed. He knows all about me. He knows what I look like naked. He knows my worries, my fears. I know all of that about him as well. There is no hiding. No secrets. Everything good and bad is laid out in the open between us. It is raw. And maybe that is why I cling more tightly to him than I did with Ashe. I was always afriad of pushing Ashe's buttons. Afraid of being a brat. But with Matt. I am not afraid. I just am not. My fears just. They go away. I am scared of lizards, but I managed to be around them when he is around. He keeps me calm and focus on him. Like...I...I am happy. These past 3 months has been....amazing. more so that it has been 3 months, and I am not scared that Matt will just up and disappear.
We may not have been each other's firsts loves, but we sure as hell each other's last loves.

Meant to be

Recently I have been talking to Matt first ex girlfriend. Her name is Nikki. She hated me in high school when they were dating. 

I also was talking to his second love, Lynh. She and him dated for about 1.5 years. The second longest relationship he had. Apparently they both had the same feelings about him and I during high school.

We were meant to be. He and I had something that was not just friendship. I never thought much about it because he was my best friend and I was always chasing after someone else, he was as well. We'd support each other and the choice of crush and if gotten far enough boyfriend/girlfriend.

Now I was friends with Lynh. Nikki and I were friends until she decided to date Matt. So, she ended up hating me since I was his best friend. Lynh didn't hate me. But she always did feel that the one who should be dating him was me. Nikki admitted she felt the same way, in fact she knew he and I should have been together. She is really happy that we are cause apparently I was very important to him and it always made her jealous.

Now see, Matt was anti-social. Never had a best friend. Never got close to people. He hated people hugging him. He had a bubble around him keeping others away.

Then there was me. A bubbly, stubborn girl who always had to have her way. I declared him as my best friend. Bullied the crap out of him and then kept trying to make it up to him with hugs. I was not just the first girl to hug him. I was the first non-family member to. I was the first friend, and female, he ever brought home and introduced to his family. I was the first friend he ever called on a phone. I...I was special to him. In so many ways that didn't dealt with more than a friend. I was his first actual true friend.

Most of his firsts were with me. Nothing sexual or anything like kissing and such. Just friend stuff.

Now, I am a virgin. Not cause I couldn't have sex. But cause I didn't want to risk getting pregnant. Yes I know, there are ways to protect oneself from that. But I had plans and even though I truly wanted to lose it to Ashe, I am kinda glad I didn't. Matt is also glad I didn't. He is beyond happy that he will be the one to take it. He jokes about it since I am 25 years old. But he knows I fell in love with someone so far away. And when I was single I never paid attention to another guy unless I had strong feelings.

The fact that the person I had a lot of firsts with. First friend I walked with from school. First friend I made bleed, etc etc. And I was most of his firsts....it is ironic that my first time will be with him. He thinks that it means something. I kinda like that thought too. That life brought us together and made us see different people until we both were ready for each other. Life made him mature and care for girls in such a tender way. While I learned to rely and be vulnerable.

What always shocks me is how rough and firm he can be when we make out. He is so sure of himself while feeling me up and teasing me. The dorky wimp ended up being the one to pull my hair and kiss me strongly. He became someone who's touch was firm yet not painful. I feel we have a slight fun relationship. He also feels I am quite like a cat. And it turns him on when I melt when he rubs his hand against my jaw. He enjoys seeing my defenses break down and stare up at him with trusting eyes. 

But I am also a brat. He knows very well I will purpose push his buttons and he enjoys "punishing" me. Usually with a hard bite or a hard smack on my bottom. 

I am his brat. ❤ I love that he handles me very well and willing puts up with me. I know he is having fun with me just as I am with him.

Maybe he and I truly were meant to be. After all he and I agreed this relationship has no quitting. We are in it to the end. Every hardship. Every happiness. Every challenge along the way. He and I both agree not to break up. Yes we know the future is uncertain. But being best friends for a decade, knowing everything about each other. Some people say, "Marry your best friend". Well we decided that there is no one else worth spending the rest of our lives together. We are still taking it slow since we want to enjoy each other. We both are happy to know we will not end. Not now. Not ever.

Time Spending and jealousy

I get jealous really easily apparently. And when jealous I tend to get grumpy/grouchy. Happens every once in a while. 

Somehow Matt talks me down and lectures me over emotionally shutting down and pushing him away. Honestly, he is too good for me. I am so use to the person just leaving me the moment things don't go smoothly, usually because my insecurities get the best of me. But Matt literally breaks down every barrier I put up when I get into a mood. It is really hard to think that this is the guy that I use to do the exact same thing to back in high school. Now he gives me the exact same lectures.

Last week, I had my first full week at work. I started the Friday before, and informed him how often I got hit on at the register. So that made me place my class ring on my wedding finger instead of my middle finger. At quick glance can't tell the difference. Didn't do it to "be married" or anything. Just to tone it down on the creeps like I did back in the Philippines. This sparked an idea in Matt's mind. He got himself a ring, sadly they didn't have a couple set, so we set to order a set online. Now just waiting on it to arrive. -laughs- Two months into the relationship and we tell people we are married. How....cringy. I usually make fun of girls who take things too fast. But he and I both discussed the topic of marriage and future goals/plans; to see if we would work out in the long run. Neither of us wants to waste each other's time so to prevent one from falling too fast and realizing the different end goals too late, we openly talked about it. There of course we a few disagreements and eye-rolling. Mainly because of his 50/50 mind set on going back to the navy. As much as I loved that he served the country, I don't know if I can handle a husband who would be on a ship for who knows how long. I'd get lonely and dunno if he would be able to handle it either.
After his last relationship, had he re-enlisted, he would not have thought twice and had nothing to stop him. Now that I am the most important person in his life, he doesn't want to leave me for long periods of time. Which is understandable. I did the LDR thing, and it sucked. I could handle it, he barely could. Plus his faith on LDRs went out the door cause of his ex. And I am too clingy to want to part longer than a few hours. I deal with not seeing him every day, but months at a time? Hell no!

Which brings me to time spending.
For most of my teenage hood, and young adulthood. I believed that once people get busy they will drift. I mean look at Ashe and I. Even when I try to be just friends with him, he always disappeared on me for long periods. Same with Brian and Brandon. The only person who didn't. The only person who makes sure to greet me the moment they wake up and inform me the moment they sleep....is Matt.
I thought he'd feel it was weird sleeping at the same time at night, but he feels more secure knowing I am home, in bed asleep when he is. He also doesn't drive away until I am safely inside my place and wave at him from my window. He refuses to leave if he feels something is wrong. Just like why he keeps me on his left side. Because if something bad were to happen he would be able to protect me.
He is the biggest goof ball i ever known. He is such a weeabo, likes the weirdest things, a total geek who can come off as a bit of a creep....but the moment that my safe is at risk, or he feels worried over me, he completely changes right back into his military self. It is really weird seeing him like that. And noticing it.
This week was the first time I laid on his lap. The first time he and I total each other things no one else would ever know about. Embarrassing things, funny things, stupid things. This seems to happen more and more.
Whenever I get off work at night and he comes to get me (and my friend Ileana who needa a ride home), he would drop her off and then we would sit in his car outside of my place talking and laughing and teasing each other.

My time is no longer free. I gotten busy with work, studying and still somehow Matt manages to make sure to see me almost every night. Later this morning, he is to pick me up at 8:30AM. I am accompanying him to get his car checked out. These are the things that make me fall for him. They might not mean much to others. In fact many would hate to go, but to me...the fact he wants me to do the mundane errands with him....it makes us seem more like a couple who would last.

So what is our future goals?
We both want marriage. A family. A home. We want love in our lives.
He knows it will be a while til I am ready to have kids, but he is happy that I want them with him. Honestly, he would make a great father. The way he cares for his baby sister warms my heart.

They were right.
Life is much better spent with your best friend. I may not be married to him yet. Not even engaged. But I do now believe that one should marry their best friend.

My past and first love will always remain with me. Maybe if life turned out the way we wanted it to, we would be together making these future plans.
But that is the thing. Life takes us all on unexpected journeys. And this turn of events made it possible for me to find the love of my life in my best friend. The best relationships are the ones that are unexpected. I always wanted a fairytale love story....but this one is better. I am happily in love with my best friend and successful so far been a little over 2 months with him. Hopefully we will stay together for the rest of our lives.

Future

Before, I always talked about the future, and tried to make the best of the now and it always falling through. But like....Matt just makes me feel secure. He is trying hard to pay off his bills so he can save. He is purposely going to school so he gets paid from the government for he can have some extra money for our future.

See, he uses the term "our". Everything he talks about, or does he automatically includes me. Even if it has nothing to do with me, he just puts me in it. His future vehicle is "our vehicle". His money is "our money." Everything. To strangers it looks as if we are married already from the way we bicker and know each other so well. It will be 2 months come august 4th of being with him.

Plus, now I am working part-time at an Asian place with my friend Ileana. She got me hired there. I work on the cashier and make the different types of tea. For the time being since I never worked at a restaurant. They want me to be able to handle things before putting me to work. So 3 days a week isn't that bad for a person just wanting some spending money and to save a little bit. Matt was very proud of me. He made such a big deal and started telling all his family about it. Even though it is a temp job til my papers are processed and I pass my NCLEX exam to become a registered US RN. He believes in my dreams and is helping me achieve it, just like I am helping him achieve his. I been at his place so much to the point that his family expects me there. Yesterday his mom told him, "no visitors over" and he was like, "Christina count as one?" And she laughed and told him I am family. She was thrilled I am working now cause I seem to be keeping Matt on the right track in life.

She also been less worried over his mental and emotional state since I been back. He has been more outgoing and willing to do things and not getting upset easily. She believes it is because of me. I dunno if it is true. But he always tells me I keep him calm.

Funny thing was, yesterday the dinner conversation was talking about Matt growing up and his mom stating he'll love sales on clothes when he has kids. And Matt looked directly at me smiling, which his sister caught and mentioned it out loud saying, "Matt looked at Christina. Mom we should expect some in the near future!" And that caused a chain of events of his youngest brother mentioning Matt and I will eventually "do it" but after we are married. And his second sister was like, "wait! You are a couple!??!?! Christina will become my sister-in-law?! Yes!! Thank you." 

Fyi he has not proposed and won't til we are stable on our own, OR if for some reason he goes back into the navy. We both agreed that we will elope at city hall of he re-enlisted so he can bring me with him so he won't have to say good-bye to me for long periods of time.

That future use to scare me. Thinking of the uncertainty and wondering if the guy and I will even last til my birthday or even a month without disappearing, went away cause I am his priority. He said "I love you" for the first time to me directly and he makes sure I know he does. He tells everyone who I am.

He doesn't even let me leave his mini-cooper if I am not smiling. He refuses to see me without a smile. The moment I am not smiling or I zone out, he automatically hugs me and asks what is on my mind so he can put my worries to rest.

He doesn't push me into sexual things, though I tease him relentlessly and he calls me major brat for it. He just.....he doesn't lace together magical words to make my heart race or flutter. Even when I was in the Philippines. No matter how busy he got, even with the time zone differences, he stayed up late and woke up early just to have time to talk to me when i am not busy. Though it tired him out. Which is why he is happy I am here, no more him trying to remember times and what i am doing at a certain time. He can easily do that here cause he doesn't have to think of a 12 or 13 hour time difference.

He just....makes me happy.

I always thought the greatest love in life would be filled with emotions and passion and my heart would never stop racing and shit. No....I believe it is the calmness of love that makes someone the true love, the greatest love. 

He makes my heart race, and calm both at the same time.

But like....he remains being my best friend. We have inside jokes and not everything is about couple and love and shit. We talk about everything. And he is very protective over me. When we go out he keeps my hand in his. And when i go out alone he messages me often to make sure I arrive safely where i was heading or i got home safely and if i need him to come and get me. Like he just....shows love over me from his actions. His family makes fun of him for showing that side openly cause of me. But at the same time....words are nice, but actions are better. If a guy wanted to be with you, then they would have. Life would not get in the way easily, even in distance. The effort to talk should be equal, and surprises often, even if it is small, is a must. Matt taught me that. He changed my idea on relationships. To be held as if I am the world. To actually feel like I am the world to him even when i was in the philippines and not through words....maybe i fell for him while i was there and just not realize it. He admits he had to help me get feelings for him cause I had a tough time seeing him as someone I'd sleep with and have kids or even marry. The idea of kissing him made me laugh. But now that i look back. When did i start having these feelings? Is it current? Or did i love him for a while now without knowing.

But....now I have a future to look forward to. A future husband. As he says, "it isn't an if i propose, or an if we get married. It is when i propose and when we get married. There is not if on us being together. I want you as my wife and that will never change." So....thinking and planning and even talking about the future and what we'll do with our kids, how we'll rise them as well as where we will live. He looks into safe locations and makes sure that everything is a good decent nearby, like hospital or medical place for me. As well as school zones and store. He also takes my wants and plans and mixes them together to create a future I cannot wait for. Even if it won't be exactly the way we plan, i wouldn't want to be with anyone but him now. I just....love him. And his bits of fat is nice to hug. 

Home

I am upmost surprised by how easily it is for me to be....

Thing is, I never thought I'll move on from him. Never thought I'd fall in love with another guy, at least not so quickly. Does that mean I didn't love Ashe? No. I love him so much. I will always love him. But if I had to state the one thing that kept tearing us apart....it wasn't the distant. It wasn't the lack of feelings or friendship or even trust. It was how he saw me. How he saw the whole thing. I was almost always treated with the best care. Always kept on the sidelines so nothing could hurt me. Never wanted me to worry or anything. He was careful with me and how he approached me despite knowing how much i love him.

But now? I still do, but differently. He was my first love, and there has been crushes in between due to things being on and off. But now the person who has my heart is Matt. The person who steps into my dreams and turns everything around is Matt. Would I have know within less than 2 months I could easily state I am in love with the dork? I would have laughed. But here I am. Laying in bed, writing this. Thinking of him. Missing him even though we see each other almost every day. We talk to each other almost all day long everyday. I always miss him the moment we are apart.

Today, when he got home from work he told me he misses me. That he was homesick. Our love may not be filled with steamy passion. Our love does make us have butterflies, or flustered over things cause of each other...

He told me a few times, "You keep me calm." Even when I do nothing. Whenever he has a bad day, the moment he comes to see me, he relaxes and his troubled mind goes away. For the past 2 weeks, I gotten into the habit of randomly telling him I love him. Not to have him say it back. I know him. Know what he has been through. Those words are difficult for him to say. I always tell him not to say it cause I don't want to hear it. He knows I say it to remind him that he makes me happy. That it isn't just a romantic love I have for him. But a love of my best friend. Of someone I consider family. 

Last week, he confessed that he said it out loud twice. Of course not loud enough so I can hear it. Just him mindlessly watching me and saying it. I had to ask when where this two times cause I always pay attention. Apparently the first time was when he dropped me off at 1AM, and I took his sweater to sleep in. He said the moment I closed the door he said it cause I looked so happy hugging his sweater to my face. How did he expect me to ever hear that while walking away, who knows. 

The second time was last Thursday. I was at his place, helping him with his school assignments, since he always did struggle in the homework part. He may be smart, but he is lazy and doesn't remember to do it. But if I agree to go over and sit in his bed, he'll do it. But this time he needed help with powerpoint since he didn't know how I always made mine look so....well one-of-a-kind. He put all the information on the slides, and the pictures he wanted, but due to not knowing how to creatively put it all together, he allowed me total control on that. He said watching me sit in his gaming chair, humming and happily working on his computer made him realize how much he loves my smile. That when I asked for a drink, and added "love ya" as he walked out, he couldn't help but mutter "love you too." He said that he stood in the hall very shocked that the words came out of his mouth again.
Then Friday, even though he was off, he had plans to go out with his ex girlfriend, who was his first love, and I had plans to go out with my friend Ileana. Yes, I know. What girlfriend would permit him to go out for lunch and hang out with his first love?!...well they are friends. He informed me. And I trust him to not cheat on me. Plus she has been married for like...4 or 5 years now. I don't feel threatened by his exes. They all are beyond happy he and I are together. He even told me how the day went, what they talked about even though I told him he didn't have to tell me. Most of the time they talked about me. (She had invited me to come along, but I felt awkward since she hated me in high school.) And he told her we are a couple. And how it happened. Which caused him to miss me greatly. So after their catch up time ended, he ended up driving about 1.5 hours to the mall Ileana and I were at just so he can see me. He missed me but talking about me made him miss me even more that he had to see me that day.
 He admitted that he feels that way to me but wasn't sure how long it would take him to verbally express it. Of course I knew nothing about that until he dropped me off and during our, "stay in the car to talk/cuddle before actually parting" time that evening after picking me up at the mall, he asked "no one will come between us and pull us apart. No one will take you away from me, right?" He knew that all my feelings was to him, he knew I was finally over my ex. But since I been back guys has been flirting with me(well try to, I always tell them off) and then him knowing my older sister doesn't want me to be in a relationship at all. He feared that someone will come and break the relationship. I asked him why he was asking that, and that was his response. With his history in relationships, I completely understand why he worries. I told him that no one will. I don't want to start again. I find him to be my comfort and the person who makes me calm down when I start to get anxious. That I wouldn't let anyone come between him and I. And I asked him if he would, or if he'd cheat. And he hugged me tightly saying he never would cause that meant he'd lose the person who is the world to him.
Which...I believe him. He always reminds me why I mean so much, from breaking his comfort zone to never giving up on him whenever he goes through his darkest moments. He said that he never realized how the person who makes the world seem peaceful and makes him feel so much love for someone was the one person who was already always by his side. Of course that always makes me question if he is settling, and he sad no. That he was ready to not be with anyone. To be "forever single" cause he went numb. But then because of me, and me being the only one who messaged him everyday even though he wouldn't reply, he slowly started noticing how I am, how I was. And he started to fall. That he always thought I was cute, but never paid any attention to me in a romantic way cause he only saw me as a friend, but when he realized I was a female who dealt with a ton of sexual harassment, he saw me so differently that it took him by complete surprise. That he never looked into my eyes, or even noticed my eye shape until he realized he kept looking at my photos.
I felt happy. I always feel happy when he tells me things like that. I was worried that maybe I was settling for agreeing to date him. After all, I had so many guys after me, was heartbroken that I couldn't be with who I wanted before. But now...now I know for a fact that I did the right that. That this is the right thing. I am not settling. And I believe him. If we had even given the thought of dating each other back in high school, maybe he wouldn't have had gone through so much. But then I wouldn't have had my degree. I would have missed out on my college experience in the Philippines....so maybe, just maybe it was timing to bring us together. That we were always suppose to be together but it was just suppose to take us a while before realizing it.
Why? Because whenever he hugs me, my heart beat slows down to a calming beat. That I don't want anyone to kiss him, to touch him the way I do. That I don't want him to touch anyone the way he does with me. That I always want to be by his side, no matter where we end up. When I leave him, I feel an ache in my heart and incomplete.
He may not be the best looking guy. He may not make much, he may not be the most charming guy, or the smartest. But he is the sweetest. He does his best, and always makes sure I am safe and never said. He does whatever it takes to make me smile and laugh even if it makes a fool out of him in public.
When I close my eyes and think of home....it is him. He is my home. His arms, his lips. The warmth from his body against me. He is my home. And I would never give that up.
I am happy. I am in love. He is my best friend. He is my boyfriend.
He is sure of marrying me one day. He is sure he wants a family with me. He isn't sure what life may bring, but he is sure he wants to find out with me.
I am happy I am his home. And that he is mine.

Happiness

So Matt and I decided to date, he has been courting me in a way before I came home. He made sure I knew he wanted a chance with me, and that he had strong feelings towards me. Every day he reminded me to be myself and that I am fine the way I am. So, yes little pieces of me started to like him. But at the same time, I was struggling liking Ashe. I was in love with him since high school. He has been a major part of my life and every time I tried to move on, he'd come out of no where and I'd fall right back in love with him again. Matt knew that. But the whole 4th year of nursing, he made sure I knew where I stood in his life. He made sure I knew that his life wasn't perfect. He suffered from a horrible breakup and may have a kid which kills him that he may never meet.

In fact he thanked me before telling me he liked me. He thanked me for making him feel. Saying that his want in keeping the creepy guys in the Philippines away from me basically jump-started things for him. That at first he started wanting to protect me, solely cause I am his best friend. Then as days turned to weeks he noticed that he was falling for me. He also knew I don't date my best friend in the fear of losing my best friend. But as time went on, he couldn't just pretend he saw me as a friend. He told me, that when he thinks of the future the person who was always by his side was me. The one he wanted to do things with, even the little things, was with me. So he confessed and told me I didn't have to answer him. Just to wait til I am home to make a decision, but to allow him to treat me as the person who he held strong feelings for. 

So, I decided, hell I am single let's see how this goes. He knew I was still in love with my ex, and yet here he was laying his damaged and beaten heart out for me. Months passed and I started jokingly calling him my boyfriend to keep the guys away from me. So I started to develop feelings. He knew. I knew yet denied it. 

But when I told him when I was arriving home, he actually showed up. He showed up at the airport. He didn't have flowers or anything. But he felt that the first non-family and stranger I should see was him. He didn't care that he had to take off work and waited there early in case my flight came in early, he didn't want to miss me like he did when I last came home. Even though he had no feelings then, we did start to drift apart in our friendship. Honestly, I date quite a lot of people. And I always got pushed to the back burner, always told "I'll see you when I am free." Or in the case of my ex which was an online ldr, "he was too busy to reply." I gotten so use to being second to things. With Ashe, I wasn't even number 1 in his life. If he had a problem, he went to Chelsea(his best friend). When we were together and he drank he would tell me how he wanted a chance with her, and if she got divorced he would make a move. But then he'd apologize. But the fact he flipped after she got married and moved and went out of his way to see her....that always stuck with me. He may have loved me, may still do, but it was not the same or enough to make him do the craziest things. So having Matt call out of work, drive an hour to the airport, sit and wait for 3 hours til I arrived. Then waited another 2 hours til my dad arrived so we'd know my mom found my dad. He put in effort i never experienced. 

So I agreed to date him via terms. A trial relationship. 1 month, starting from when I arrived, to make me stay, to make me feel the way he does, to change my whole idea and rule on dating a best friend.

He took it. And...I am glad I agreed. 

A month and some days later, I hate being away from him. He makes me feel as if I was the most important person in the world. He goes out of his way to see me after his long days, even if it is for a mere hour or even half an hour. He makes sure to see me. He makes sure I don't worry about his well being. And without knowing or thinking about it, I forgotten about the terms. We planned roadtrips, he says we will be together. He won't let me go easy. That no matter my attitude, or how I make him mad or make a mistake(expect for cheating in any sort of way) he will still love me and always make sure I am smiling. 

Today we both set a goal for a roadtrip to see his father's side of the family next summer. But he had to contact his grandma on his father's side. So he did. This woman knows how he is easily depressed and knows how horrible he has been. And the first thing she asked was, "how have you been doing?" He smiled and replied "I've been good...great actually", all while smiling at me. He ended up chit chatting and told her about his mental health, that he has been in good places even if life gets hard because he has the best person anyone can ask for sitting right next to him. I honestly didn't think much about what I wanting to be with him would actually do. I never thought that he'd tell people I changed his life for the better, that he found the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. My heart fluttered hearing how much he truly loves me. 

He constantly assures me that no girl would ever take him away. That they may hit on him, flirt with him, but he wouldn't notice or care cause the one person he wants is me. The one person who makes life a happier place is me. The one person he wants to kiss is me. The one person he never wants anyone else to touch is me. 

He is childish, he is perverted, he has sooo much baggage from his past, he has every reason to give up on love....but he openly loves me. He openly reminds me. He always, always makes sure to spoil me. Not in items, but with love and attention.  He never said "I love you" to me. But everyone who seen me with him and walked up to me to tell me how lucky I am to have a guy who looks at me with such soft loving eyes, I can't help but melt. I know his gaze always finds me. He smiles at me and tells me that i am his girl.

I am not even scared at the thoughts of having a family with him, and every day i grow clinger and happier with the decision of moving on and giving him a chance. Cause every day i fall in love with him more and more. 

I am glad he is mine and I am his. 

And I can say, I am happy.

Struggling

Just timing of everything.

Okay, so I decided to open my heart up to Matt since slowly he was showing he was going nowhere and that we could actually work long term. Like....I opened myself to rejection and abandonment. Yes I called him my boyfriend, both cause of some interest, but as well to keep creeps away. Kinda like how Christian was. But I never fully fell for him. But Matt is my best friend. And things seemed....so right? Everyone also agreed he and I were met to be. The greatest love story ever, best friends since high school, both leave the country, then find love in each other while separated by oceans only to be reunited in a short time. Hahahahah. But due to his situation, and now the girl running back to him and holding loving feelings towards him still.....not that I don't trust him. But her kid could be his. (I knew about it before everything. I helped him deal with that breakup 2 years ago.) But I figured that she moved on after breaking up with him and used the kid to get with her ex.

....how can he turn her away? They were serious and a possiblity of an actual kid involved. This whole day after he told me they started talking to each other, my heart slowly started breaking. I mean....how can I compete with her? If that is his kid, I wouldn't want to keep him away from his son that he been wanting to see. And if she still harbors strong feelings towards Matt....the smartest thing would be for them to try and work it put as a family. The child deserves that. THEY deserve that. But....I like Matt too. And he opened that door. He clawed his way through making me fall for him a little each day. He....he made me believe that crossing that line from best friends to lovers will be worth it, telling me he is going nowhere. But....that was all before now. 

I can't do anything. I am stuck between trying to be a best friend with his best interest at heart, and now my feelings which he caused. The struggle is real. 

I may become the 2nd option to him. Or maybe I was nothing more than a fling. Something to help him not feel all alone. Someone he can have as a backup? 

Why does this always seem to happen? 

Christian, Ashe and Matt. I always feel like I am just an option, that their hearts belong to someone else. 

Christian dated me while being in love with Nadia, though he'd deny it.

Ashe....I am sure he was(may still be) in love with Chelsea, even if she is married. 

And Matt....I don't know. But I am getting that feeling once again. That feeling that I am no longer important. That I am just there because they like me but not enough to give me their heart. 

And people wonder why I pay no attention to guys who chase after me anymore. Once they catch me, I tend to get tossed aside.

What sucks is that i don't think he realizes it. And if the girl confesses his feeling he will talk to me about it...and I know how i will handle it. I'd...step back with a smile telling him not to worry about anything. Like i always do. I always step back. He doesn't realize now is the time I want to run away,and his "I will follow you and give you a reason to stay" may fail. 

I'll just accept I may just be unloveable and I will come second to others, and just not dip my hand in relationships anymore if this one falls through. I will just shut that door and be content in being everyones friend that helps find their soulmate.

Heh, maybe I was forgotten, and never was given one.  Late night rambles from a really tired girl. I have a big day tomorrow.

'Ciao.

Back because Life hates me.

So yeah. I left this stupid blog on a positive note. But life just loves to keep hitting me and honestly it is just starting to get to me. 

Matt and I were doing so well, but then now....idk what is happening. -sighs- 

School keeps getting more and more tiring and I am just...tired.

This was suppose to be my year. MY YEAR! I DESERVE A YEAR WHERE I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR ONCE.

In less than 2 weeks into this new year, I been in a bad accident and injured myself badly.

Matt and I been having problems. My grades slipped a bit and now I am strugglig to get things done.

Family has been having problems left and right. My older sister has been helpful but she has been venting to me about her life nd then everyone at school expects me to be this amazing person where I feel like I am failing them cause I am not living up to their expectations. And..and...i just don't know.

My aunt accidently threw out my favorite stuffed animals which brought me comfort when I feel down. So now I am just...Idk...just wish I had someone to talk to. I feel like if I opened up to someone they will just tell me what I already know and this Matt thing....idk, if this falls apart not only did I lose him as a bf but as my best friend. I already lost Ashe and if i lost Matt....I told him I didn' want to jump. I told him I am terrified of relationships. I told him I am easily scsred and easily to worry about where I stand in someone's life.

....I just...

Why can't things ever go smoothly for me. I can't even cry because I am never alone to do so, and if i cry around someone then they'd expect me to tell them what is wrong and. Idk I can't explain it. But I just know this yeat is going to be one of the worst years I have. I just know it.