Sunday, December 10, 2017

Late, but here it is.


Okay, so now I am 25 years old. 
December 8th was my birthday. 
So this year has been all over the place for me. I lost touch with someone who was the number one person in my life, and then reconnected to the person who was my best friend.
Now....Matt is the person who I am leaning on most of these days. He has been a major supporter and has been making me feel better than I felt most of this year.
Even though he is not my boyfriend, he certainly acts like he is. Claiming that asking a girl to be his girlfriend through messages is not his thing, so he keeps reminding me that in 6 months we will be together. At first, it scared me. Terrified me due to the fact I still had feelings for Ashe.
I can use the word had now instead of have. I will always love Ashe. Always. But the love I have for him is not the same anymore. My attention shifted to Matt. Even though Matt is not manly, nowhere near an amazingly smart and active guy....he is caring....sweet, and always makes sure I know how he feels about me. I would not date a best friend normally. But while talking with him, he slowly made me open up to him, and while talking with him he opened up and somehow started liking me and wanted to care for me and protect me from people who are creeps. So he started flirting with me. And in doing so, made me develop feelings slowly. And he knows at times I feel scared and what does he tell me? "It is okay. Just take your time. I can wait for you."
When he first told me that he is the one taking the steps to get closer to me as more than just a best friend, I was scared. He knew it cause he knew how much I was destroyed over the last guy I fell in love with. He knows I have closed off and he respects me enough to tell me up front that he is just going to wait til I am able to see him differently. And that he isn't going anywhere as long as I want him around.
I didn't realize how lonely I felt with Ashe. I love him, I loved him so much but it was so lonely always being second to everything. I was second to Chelsea, I was second to his work. I was just....second. I accepted it, but didn't want to lose him so being second in his heart and in his life was okay with me. I knew I would never compete with his best friend. He loved her since before I knew him. I know during that time he loved me fully. But it just wasn't enough. He never stuck with me and when moments got hard. Got even just a slight difficult he turned and left me a mess....and I still loved him and always ran back when I convienced him to try again.
With Matt... ☺ I don't think I will ever feel that way. Even when I don't talk to him I don't feel lonely. When he is busy, completely busy with his work or even with his hobby. He always....always messages me. He always tells me how happy he is, what is on his mind. He doesn't make me feel like I am not enough or I have to compete for his attention. Even when someone else flirts with him, he tells me about it. Even if it gets me jealous, he reassures me nothing will take him away from me. Nothing will make him leave. That he is mine as long as I want him as mine.
Even though I have not stated anything to him other than telling him I don't want him to go to another girl. He stays and teases me. He playful talks dirty to me, and doesn't go too far. He notices right away when something is off with me and annoys me til I tell him. If I get sad or i cry, he spends every second trying to make me smile even if he doesn't understand why or know why. He just goes out of his way to do whatever he can think of to try and make me smile. From dirty photos, to memes, to silly selfies of himself(even though he hates taking a photo). He doesn't stop til he knows for sure I cracked a slight smile.
I guess that is what made me start to like him. He doesn't care how I am. My mood swings, my indecisiviness, my habits my attitude, the way i love to confuse things for my own entertainment. He just reminds me to be me. That he knows how I am cause he knows who I was before Ashe. He knows my little habits cause I was always around him. And he doesn't care about knowing everything. He only wants me to feel comfortable and tell him if I want to. Idk....just...the thought of Matt now makes my heart race and gives me a smile that I had when I thought of Ashe...no, he gives me a bigger smile than any that Ashe gave me. I cannot wait to see if I will actually become his girlfriend or not.
So why is this my last post?
Simple. I don't need this blog anymore. I held on to it because I was clinging onto Ashe. The memory the feelings. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to face reality that he is not coming back for me. And now...I am okay with it. I hope he found someone. Someone better than me. Someone who fits who he wants. Someone he loves without making her an option. He is an amazing guy. I am happy I fell in love with him. But now I am happy I have Matt. I am happy that he wants me. I am happy my feelings for him grows each day. I am just.....happy. So I don't need this blog. I don't need to give daily updates on my life. I don't need to hold on to someone who, I think was never mine. I loved him. I wanted to marry him and be his wife. Wanted to be the mother of his kids. But I was always second, even though he loved me. If I didn't lose him to another girl....I would have lost him to work. And I...I hate feel lonely.
Now all my thoughts, my feelings are on Matt. It is on making a life with my best friend and seeing where it takes us.
So...this is good bye. I will always cherish you. I will always love you, you will always have a place in my heart. By....my heart is slowly becoming someone's to have. And I want nothing more than to give it to Matt.
So this is it.
Good bye.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Soon


My last post on this blog will be soon.
That will be on my birthday this week. :) It falls on a Friday, so I will be making sure to wrap up all my loose ends on that day, because I am turning 25 years old. I am making changes in my life and taking chances.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

It is so weird...


I never thought of Matt as anything more than just a friend. And now....well the possiblity of moving on in life from Ashe with Matt doesn't seem so terrifying. 
I always pictured myself with Ashe. No on else. And when we broke up, it hurt so bad and then he disappeared and I was unable to get a hold of him. I know I wasn't his girlfriend at the time. And half the time I didn't know where I stood with him. But it never stopped me from falling deeper and deeper in love with him.
But Matt accepts how broken I became. How unsure and nervous I am over the little things. After these past few months talking with Matt every single day, and him expressing interest in me, and actually not making me feel lonely when we talk...I wouldn't mind falling for him. It would be a major change from Ashe.
A part of me is still on the fence, but knowing there is no time pressure to move on right away and still be accepted by Matt is comforting. He even said he sees the old me coming out again, saying I make pervert jokes, and have the sassy comebacks like i use to. :) I always thought the loudmouth me was a bad thing. And a grumpy cranky me who complains over everything when I have no sleep or just being moody was annoying. But he just laughs at it and calla me cute.
It is weird when he tells me I am cute or that I am most important to him or teases me in a flirting way. 
Being free to do me, and still know for certain that someone accepts me and I don't have to worry about someone else grabbing his interest....it is relaxing.
Whoever said gamer guys are hard to be in a relationship with is completely wrong. 
Hopefully things keep going well, and that Ashe is doing well, may he find happiness, even if it isn't with me. I still love him and will always love him. I miss his dearly and constantly want to talk to him. But...since we lost touch all i can do is send out good vibes to him mentally. 
(I am happy that I can like someone and still have nothing but good things to say about the guy I fell for before. ^.^)

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Great Month


I cannot lie.
This month has been 100% amazing.
My laptop died while I was working on my thesis. Now, normally that would upset me. But it didn't. I had a small freakout, but recollected myself. Yesterday I received my new laptop. Named it Dean. It is a nice laptop, I had so much fun setting him up. -smiles- It has nothing on it. Parents spoiled me, told me I deserved it and they were waiting for my birthday to send it, but since I need it now, I need it now.

And, I been feeling emotionally great. Talking to Matt every day since I think July. At first I messaged him cause we lost touch and he is one of my best friends and I wanted to talk to someone who I didn't have to explain anything, or ask anything personal. That is how we work. We only talk personal when it happens. Not the past. So since all of my friends usually asks "So how was -insert name-" and then go off on a huge thing where I don't like dealing with it, I figured I'd give Matt a message, even though he wasn't on facebook much.
And he actually answered pretty fast. -laughs-
Now 3 months later, we have talked from when he gets up, til when he sleeps. Every single day. When he is at work, he still messages me, telling me what is going on, he gets very funny customers. Hahaha. Since I am single, and have only 8 months left, I decided to put together a plan on my life. Nothing better to do. So I ran it through Matt, to make sure it isn't too unrealistic. And he jumped in saying, "I'll move in with you, wanna get out of my home too. We'll split the bills." So yeah, why not right? Would make the moving out and saving a lot faster.
Near the end of September, beginning of October, Matt decided to ask me something important, dealing with his family. If I was willing, next year, to possibly go up north with him and his family to his hometown. Hell yeah, I was willing to go. Hah, I mean road trip with a best friend is something everyone wants to do. I also know if I am back, Matt's mom would have asked me if I wanted to go. She usually asks me to join in things, so shocking Matt did.
So 2 weeks pass, and break starts, and I keep going out with my thesis group, trying to get it done and whatnot, and during the time I still messaged Matt every day. He got upset with me because I kept telling him "I am out on a date" and sent him photos of my thesis paper. -laughs- Apparently, that made him think I didn't take dates seriously. Which I do, but because I just wanted to make a joke. So he ended up telling me "That is not how it works." So he told me that "a date is between people who are interested in each other, stop calling every outing a date." And I complained cause I want dates but since I decided not to date anyone that Sondra, Ileana and Matt doesn't approve of, that kinda gets rid of my dating life. I tend to attract creeps, lesson learned, after Ashe and I stopped dating, all I tend to get afterwards were creeps who end up stalking me or harassing me for sex. So yeah.
That caused Matt to say, "Then think of the road trip as one long date to make up for not dating." And I said okay. Hahah. Cause, why not?
Now skip to a week later, my mom lecturing me on when will I get married, why don't I have a boyfriend yet blahblahblah, and how I was becoming a disappointment to her cause I am becoming 25, and I show no signs of actually moving forward towards a steady relationship. While my mom lectured, I was messaging Matt, cause I tend to just let my mom go on and on while I continue with my life. And he asked what she was lecturing about, and I explained it to him, and his solution "Tell her you are(will be) dating me." So laughing at him, I decided why the heck not, just to get her to stop the lecture. Then a few nights later, while he was at work and I was in bed, talking with him...I forgot how it came up, or something...oh! I was telling him how the landlady's waterboy had asked me out on a date. And he was not happy, so I started teasing him over it, and he said, "What if I was serious about you?"
That question caught me off guard. We been best friends for 10 years. I had a crush on him when I met him, but that wasn't anything, I moved on after like a month, which was high school. Everyone wanted the rebel/emo/emotionally hurting boy to try to make him happy. But I started dating other people, and we were best friends, and have been since I first bullied him.
So I was like, "Hahahah, great joke Matt. You almost had me there." Cause we joke around like that a lot. But then he said, "I am not joking. I am serious." and went on telling me at first, the plans on living together, was just cause he didn't want to live alone (same with me, living alone is boring) but then over time talking, and then with the road trip, he said he started putting thought into it. He said, I was always cute, but due to having so many people around he never tried anything, plus best friend rules that we followed in high school. I didn't like the idea of dating best friends. Broke that rule once with Ashe and look how that ended up. Christian didn't count, I only got close to him AFTER we started dating.
And he said the more and more he thought of things, like plans of traveling, or doing things, the person who came to mind to do it with him was me. (How sweet hahaha) so he told me he wasn't joking over the road trip being a date, and that the whole, "dating him, or will be" wasn't a joke either. Which shut me up for a good half hour. So I had to backtrack on him and ask him so many questions and he said that "you changed, I don't know everything about you anymore. I don't pretend that I do. Do I want to know everything, yes of course I do. But do I need to, no. I just have to accept you for who you are and what comes with you being you."
So then comes the serious talk. Cause he only knows the best friend side of me. Yes he seen me at my worst and dealt with it. But he doesn't know how easily scared I am, how shy and embarrassed I get over the simplest things and when faced in a relationship and I get overwhelmed my first instinct is to run. And he cleverly stated, "I'll keep up as long as you want me to chase you, I will. I know you well enough to know where you may go, so at least I have a starting point in searching. But if you don't mind, may I be the one to keep you from running?"
Hehe....never knew my best friend was a smooth talker. So now every day, he greets me properly with good morning, and good nights. Tells me when he is about to head to work, and when he will be home, sends me random links to things he finds funny, or stuff we have interests in. And randomly he pulls out a cheesy line or calls me cute, or just plain and simple makes me flustered on purpose. Like when I told him I am giving up alcohol, and he said good, "party girl" is not me. So I asked so what kind of girl am I? and he...ugh so cheesily said, "The girl for me." -laughs- The cringe!
So he knows I am not ready for a relationship, and I am iffy on dating a best friend. But he said that he is confident in us working out, and that if I was willing to give him a chance, he will prove that it is worth it.
I told him maybe, to just see how things go, I don't want to get stuck and have my heart broken into million of pieces again. And he knows I am not 100% over my ex. He knows and still chases.
He does fluster me easily now since he openly flirts and whatnot. For the past week, he also been streaming his raid on WoW with is guild to me. His online friends were shocked that Matt changed a lot, and he even cussed them out to get use to it cause I am important to him and once I get back if I was willing to learn how to play then I would be in the guild as well. -laughs- He never asked me if I wanted to learn. But it was actually cute to hear him get flustered and yell at people cause I was listening to him talk.
I can say, I never knew this side of Matt. He is confident, and takes leads in things. He plans and is really smart. He grew up so much from high school. He is still a geek though. But he matured. He is open with his feelings, and well, I never knew he was a smooth talker and had charm. He makes my heart flutter a bit now. And makes me happy that he is willing to wait til I am emotionally ready to be in a relationship again.
So yes. This month as been amazing.  

Thursday, October 19, 2017

A Part of Me


So....even though I am still in love with him.
I think I always will be.
I hope he moved on. I hope he is happy.
Not to ever worry about me.
I am slowly moving on.
I may never find a love as intense and overwhelming like him. Nor do I want to. He is my first love. Always will be. And yes, I wish at times he would come back and sweep me off my feet again...but at the same time I want him happy. I don't make him happy. I just complicate his life.
And as much as I want to hold on to him forever, that isn't moving forward. That is staying in the past.
So these past few months, I been reconnecting with my old best friend from high school. A guy. And little by little he is making me feel like I can possibly like someone else beside my first love.
I cried a bit at that thought.
I wanted to be his last love so badly. Get married and become his wife.
But as everyone said. I am not good enough, or compatitable with him.
I will always love him.
I don't know if I will love anyone as much as I did with him. But... I suppose I should at least try to move on. Be selfish and once again shine like the sun.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Dunno


So...I dunno. Been dreaming of him again. So restless night. But...I been enjoying my classes a lot. 
Made plans for the future, hopefully it will actually go through.

So since I am in 4th year now. Everyone knows I am to leave. And it has been hitting them hard. They understand it though. So we have been making the most of it.
When will I be back home? Beginning of June next year. 
Yes I am excited.
Emotionally I am tired from school.
I am currently the assigned burn unit student staff nurse during duty. I love it. 
The patients are sweeties and I actually like doing the bedside care for a change

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Can't Sleep.



So I decided go take a photo of my eyes.
Cause why not?
It is a holiday today, and fiesta at my friend's place....and it is approaching 3am and I have not slept yet.
Only 10 more months or so til I am back home. (If i pass my classes)
I have been tired(emotionally, mentally, and physically)
Hey mister, if you are reading this, I hope you are well and know I am thinking of you. I sent messages but no reply. I miss you greatly.
Chances are slim that he still reads this.
I barely update it anymore cause the moment I get home I pass out since I have no one to talk to online and the days are busy.
But I am working hard to stay upbeat and do my best.
Even if it feels like everything is just out to get me. -laughs- School has gotten really hard really quickly. And the challenges I face due to it just makes it tiring. But it should all be worth it. I know many people will be pissed off it I don't give it my all and get my stupid degree.

Anyways, til next time.
Ciào~


Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Fights


So today during break time from our lecture about this school's thing. JC's boyfriend started a bunch of crap. JC is well known as one of my best friends. As well as it is known I have a complete protective side to those younger than me who are close to me. 
So what happened? Her boyfriend goes and pushes, pulls and shoves her into walls, chairs pulling her harshly along while walking to the snack area. I followed closely pulling JC to my side silently fo avoid angering the boyfriend. But he would push her followed against her will. ALL while she is crying her eyes out. Eventually before going to the the snack area I got her away and at my side (now nicknamed Tina the Bouncer), giving a physical on her back. He comes back yelling and trying to pull her away from me. He did not manage to cause I hugged her and she clinged to my body. He ended up hurting my arm and leg. Eventually he turned his attention to the boys and a fight started. I pushed JC to Sam telling her to get her out to the office with the Dean for safety. I stayed back (stupid decision but I am a voice of reason). Tried to pry the boys off each other and ended up getting injured. Popped my knee back in. (Use to it now) and the boys got the two off each other. Our classmate did a number on JC's boyfriend. And everyone asked if I was okay cause i was pushed hard and hit. And I trailed the boyfriend keeping him away from JC cause he was still attacking things. 
THEN another fight happens right after dealing with  Amme's boyfriend and a guy she was flirting with. And I had to get our classmate (amme's bf) back to his senses cause he has a kid and graduating this school year. 
Thankfully all over now and JC is to stay at Sam's for tonight then mine later if her now ex, goes after her.
Gotta go het checked up cause my back is in pain and knee nerves have not settled yet.
Still. Her ex should have known I was going to step in. 

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Unable to sleep



Sick, can't breathe, feels like I am coughing up a lung...so I play songs to ease my head.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

I just can't....


I know I whine so much. Expectly about him and my life. Most people will or do think "move on, he is just not into you", "if he really cared he would keep in touch", "you are annoying just move on"....or something along those lines.

Okay so...these past 2 months (June and July) has just been killing me. Completely. My emotions are shot, my eyes hurt, my head hasn't stopped pounding, and I feel completely worthless. Just from school. But what just stays on my mind from the moment I wake up til I try to fall asleep? Him. That is right I am always thinking of Ashe. (Yup using his name).
Some nights I have very detailed dreams of him. Other nights I can't even remember what I was dreaming of. I been restless.
Last I heard from him was in March telling me he had some kind of accident. And that was the end of it. I been waiting. Every day and night waiting to hear something from him. But nothing came through. Slowly I fear for the worse. Then recently my friend was found dead after missing for 3 days. And I can't even say good bye to him because of the distance. What if Ashe is already gone? No one contacts me to tell me anything. I miss him terribly and I hold on to hope he is still alive and well.
But I just can't move on. Even when I try. I know better than to be a love struck girl who will think he is still single and in love with me. (Gosh I wish that he would be) but chances are he found someone. Someone suited for him. Someone who isn't me. And it tears me to pieces whenever I think of it. So I try my hardest not to, but it is hard since I only ever had feelings for him and saw myself with him. But as long as he is happy and alive that is all that matters. 
I can't move on. I am stuck in a singular place in life. Each day that passes overwhelms me and I feel like i am falling further and further behind people and when I fall, I barely have the will power to get back up again. 
My classmate Abbie has been pulling me along. I stopped hanging with Sam and the others. I only talk to a few people now. Thankfully no one here pays close attention. Even Sam. She says she can tell when someone important to her has something wrong, but she hasn't noticed me slowly giving up and losing interest in both school and social. Yna and I had a short chat about it. But it ended up with me being her support than her realizing how I was feeling.
I realized...a few days ago, I keep this blog up because I have hope Ashe is still reading this whenever I update it. But I can't know for sure. He must have moved on. He seemed like he was moving on slowly. 
If you are reading this Ashe...I love you so much. I miss you greatly and never stopped loving you from the moment I met you. 

But...I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like me. When I turn to someone else to ease my mind and warm my heart into a gentle beat, I don't find what I was looking for. The only person who calmed my storms and made me feel like a person was Ashe.
So I am just... I am lost.
I can't move on. I can't find joy. I can't focus. And I can't be me.

So what am I going to do? Sadly end this blog for the time being. Eventually come back to it. Maybe. Honestly I can't even tell when I can't even decide what tomorrowbmay bring for me.
Maybe I am depressed. Maybe it really does run in the family. Or I am just like what my mom's friend said. A girl who will only love once but have a hard life. 
Right now all I can do is close off all emotions until someone is able to find me in this darkness. Until someone's hand reaches out and I feel the warmth I need and been searching for.
If not. I will just...dunno.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Heavy rain, aftershocks AND not feeling well


I swear 2017 is trying to kill me.
First it was emotionally because he stopped relpying to me an it felt like my heart was rippes out of my chest. And now the weather and mother nature is.
😑 I am done. Done with this year.

Flooded


So it is heavy rain here. And being on ground floor it resulted in a major flood in all the classrooms. Okay so let us break this down. There are about 35 students at the least per class. There are 6 classrooms. Making an est. Of 210 students on the ground floor. Thougy not including the instructors and workers down there and the ones I didn't count because I am estimating from the minimum number per room.
The whole are was so unsafe due to the equipment that was laying around and crap. I dunno why I didn't think more of my safety. I could have gotten badly hurt if something happened.
I ended up ensuring the safest and quickest way to the dry second floor by running around place chairs. Became a major "floor is lava" game and I was in the lava providing the stepping/safe spots for others.
It gotten more crazy when the students and faculty from the floors above were cheering me on yelling out "Hero! Savior! Go nursing student!"
....now hours later I am still getting praised by my selfless actions. Apparently there was a small mishap but controlled thanks to the officer who did his round and stopped it from spreading.
The thought if I ran off like the guys did and the mishap got worse,then the senior high students, and the female senior nursing students and accounting students would have been in big trouble.
My civil service teacher from first year was so proud because I put myself at "risk" for other students....which I HADN'T KNOW OF THE RISK. I just wanted to help and make sure no one slipped and hurt themselves badly. I mean there is no safe landing if the slipped and the danger of them dying from the fall was greater than me getting wet feet/legs. 
Still embarassing to be praised on such a high level for just doing good....

Saturday, July 1, 2017

So Tired


I am so tired. Granted I had today off. Since it is a holiday they decided to actually cancel our review class. Not that it does me any good. 
The current lecturer keeps calling me "Goldilocks" and it gets on my nerves. 
One of my classmates asked him why he gave me that nickname, the reply she got was "she curls her hair to get noticed. That isn't natural curls."
...
Apparently my curls aren't natural. Yes, I know my curls are super curly or like amazingly pretty curls at that. And they look like I took a curler to my hair and brushed the curls but they are actually natural. When I straighten my hair or comb it out to become a wavy it curls at the tips and halfway up. I don't know why. And yes, my hair is still a bit shaggy and unevenly layered, which I did so it doesn't look bottom heavy, doesn't mean I style my hair for attention. I just want to stop myself from looking like a dork and a mess all day long.
GOLDILOCKS ALSO HAS GOLD/BLONDE HAIR! The instructor needs glasses. I hope he goes away soon enough. 

Only 8 more months of school.
So I been trying to distract myself from thinking of him again. Which isn't easy at all. Gerald tells me to just stop even trying. But he doesn't know how thinking of this guy is driving me mad. But Gerald tries his best to keep me as a loud mouthed "bitch" because seeing me quiet and expressionless makes him worry. Apparently makes a lot of people worry. Marco decided to sit behind me in class and bothers me during lectures to keep me from thinking too much. He has picked up the habit of playing with my hair. Haha, what I get when I forget my hairties.
But he also lets me....I dunno intrude on his life. I am rooting for him and his crush. Apparently she is also in nursing and he gets all excited when she texts him. He won't give me a name because he is worried it will jinx things. But that is fine. I am just happy he is moving on from Sam finally.
Abbie and I have also gotte closer. Since she is in my section, we chit chat during class since she sits next to me and we help each other out. And I finally convinced her to join the international students club for free food. Hahahahah.
I am also thinking about joining this cartoonist/animators club at school. To keep busy. But I am unsure since I am busy with school life as it is.
I also almost got hit by a car yesterday morning when I was walking to school. Stupid drivers who don't know how to drive. First Gerald got into a crash and I almost get hit all around the same area. I got to be more careful since only 8 more months of school left. First wave of prelim exams are in two weeks. I hope I am ready for it.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Just...hating life.



Been dreaming of him almost every night this month and I have been busy with school and my thesis....Barely been sleepy, so when I do and I dream of him it just causes me to wake up in a startle and disarray since I do miss him every single moment of my life. I hope he is doing well. I would love to post more, but sadly this year is killing me slowly. So close to throwing in the towel, but scared of failure and disappointing people, torn at the moment, thus lost who I am in the mix of chaos. 

Monday, June 12, 2017

First Day of My Last Year in Nursing


Sounds exciting yes?
It isn't. I am completely done with this course. Fed up, wanting out of the school itself.
And how do they welcome us 4th years back? 2 days of exams. -laughs- But of course that is what happens.
Here is to taking full exams for today and tomorrow.
I been sleeping a bit better recently, though I feel a heavy weight on my chest.
Anyways, ciao.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Dreams


I finally fell asleep for longer than a couple of hours. But I ended up sleeping through my day, and somehow I ended up having a dream about him. I mean I usually do, but this one was so different and now it is scorched into my mind.
I miss him.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

200th post on here.



So this is my 200th post on this blog.
Go blog. Proud of ya for sticking around this long while I basically shitpost "sob" life crap to random posting. Ha. 
How am I? Still no sleep but gotta get myblazy bum to school to deal with forms and stuff for requirements. Should I just drop out? No? Didn't think so. One last year. Just got to push through the remaining time.
So I did my eye makeup. Excuse my ugly face. No idea to why it is so pink in some areas. Maybe lighting? Maybe angle? Though my cheeks are pretty pink at the moment. 
Why the makeup? Well....I felt crappy and making my eyes pop always did make me feel a bit better. Besides that I pretty much look dead so best to cover that up til I get some proper rest. 
Hope my daily school run around goes smoothly today. Too tired to deal with the stress. 

Been Busy: Tired and still no sleep.



So I got a bit busy. Not with anything in actual importance. Just took a walk to try and clear my head after dealing with school stuff. Okay, I have to KEEP IN MY GODDAMN MIND IT IS DEATHLY HOT OUTSIDE! 
I keep forgetting that bit. Anyways, it was a nice walk. Ended up at the mall and had an awkward run in with some classmates who are the hosts to the American students for the next 2 weeks. I didn't want to explain things to them as well as deal with chatting with them in general. Mainly cause I was really tired due to the heat. Completely my fault. 
So what has been on my mind? Why have I been so down and distant lately? I don't really know. And it bothers me. Mainly fear has been a big trigger for me. As well as the stress to be someone the others expect me to be. At school others always want me to take the role of the leader, the adult role. The one to decide and figure everything out. Usually I am find doing that but the fear of failing or messing up has me nearly at wits end. This is most towards my thesis. They expect me to write as a professional would...I never been great at writing. Making stories and doodling, yes. Caring for people, explaining things in simple ways so everyone to understand, oral presentation is what I am best at. Tell me to put together a report I can do that. But ask me to write all of it down and always reprint it....too much. No one in my group is really helping me...Yna tries her hardest. But sometimes she expects me to take the lead when I am unsure myself. 
With classmates, they expect me to just know things. Or have answers, even when I have no idea what is going on. Usually I don't get told what is going on and stumble through school activities trying to piece together what is needed of me. But they come to me to ask the same questions I have. And leave me helplessly trying to seek for assistance. Which rarely comes. 
I know I have complained about Sam a lot. I adore her. Really I do. But she has become a different person who I don't always "click" with anyone. It isn't a bad thing. I am always there when she needs to vent or to have a real heart to heart talking with or to have an outside opinion who has no sides in some matters. But everyone, even Sam, expects me to change who I am to flow with the vibe of the group. 
I know I have a bad mouth with no filter at times, I am even worse at properly expressing myself, but in no way am I the type of person who will put myself in harms way or bow down to ideas I don't agree with. Sam respects that of me but it does lead to a lot of tension between us. That is fine as well. But she also keeps making bad decisions. I know "she has to live her on life and that it is always her choice." But I believe friends, no matter how close, should always try to stop things when they feel it is not something they should be doing. i.e, one wouldn't let a friend with a drug addiction go to a drug party with a high chance of overdosing, or to some affect to that. You all know what I mean. Friends shouldn't enable bad behavior. I keep telling myself that over here I will not get involve with matters. I will keep my mouth shut and head down. But some of her actions I disagree with. So it tries our friendship a lot. Don't know how we will engage with each other when classes start. She openly ignores me now unless she needs me for something, or if someone states they are my best friend. She gets defensive and whatnot but we rarely talk now and haven't hung out since....well Feb? She goes out with the girls and with the guys with no invite to me. No one really invites me out anymore...which now that I think about it is actually a good thing since my department has had so much drama. 
I also ended up publically verbally attacking people because of a friend. D.J was shown off as a slut or something. Not really sure the full story, anyways it doesn't matter. What she does is no one's busniess but hers. People had no right to post her private conversations over petty crap. And she became victim to cyber bullying and school bullying. I ended up involved even though she told me to ignore her at school if she saw me. I did no such thing. And resulted in people not wanting to talk to me. Thankfully for her it has blown over for the most part. She just is now the "butt" of everyones joke. But my outburst has caused a slight negative feedback upon me. 
But...yeah, fear. Getting back to what has  been on my mind. What if I become  big disappointment? What if I make a laughing stock out of myself? If everything I have stived so hard for these past few years fall apart over a a small mistake I make? I am scared that I have no real right to do what I do. I mean I am basically outcasted in my family here. My "friends" come and go as they please. I have an abandonment problem and an attachment problem. 
But a big question I been battling with (one which is ever so clichèd) "Would anyone besides my parents and sisters actually care if I die?" "Would anyone really care if I just disappear?" I mean really? I get that my parents and sisters would. That is a dead given. But would anyone else feel empty? Would they even notice? 
Most will say yes they would. But truthfully, would it be that or they feel bad cause they are suppose to feel bad?
Well that is all I been thinking about these last few days. 

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Early morning. No sleep.


Okay so this morning since I couldn't sleep, Sara told me to doodle but with pen, so if I made mistakes I can't erase them. They didn't turn out as badly as I thought they would. So I been lost in my mind since yesterday, I think I just need to write things out again. After I am done with my daily errands, I will try to get some sleep then come back here and empty my mind properly. I think I can do that. 




My Last Year


Of Nursing will start June 13th. Officially in my 4th year of nursing and still wondering why I am even trying. Hah.
To be honest, I am surprised how far I came. Surprised that I am going to enter 4th year. I should have graduated a few years ago if I had stuck with my plan on studying right after high school. Oh well. At least this isn't so bad. 
So, I ended up talking to Jhens and Yna about how I felt. To apologize about being distant with them. Mainly Yna because we are in the same thesis group. And Yna told me to never mind it because I always waited for her no matter how far behind she was from us, so she will just wait around and make sure I don't get "left out" and always have the option of joining in the fun.
Jhens just felt bad. She still thinks it is due to what happened in Cebu since things haven't been the same in the group, but I told her nah we learned things about each other and that allowed us to grow and understand one another.
So, I been feeling in between today. Only thing I did was enroll myself and make phone calls to the school to find out information towards our classes. Surprised the workers there because they know I usually just show up in person. So I did a little white lie and told them I wasn't in the city and was enrolling via mobile. 
A part of me is excited about this being my last year. The other part is scared. After this what happens? I know I didn't want to put roots down, but I couldn't help it. I am so use to the "Filipino" version of things. Like, what if I have a craving for something I can't get in the states? Or what if I just end up not being able to start my life over again when I get back?
I mean, I have the option of running to Brian if life gets too hard, I know I always have a friend with him to help me out and whatnot. After all he is an older brother to me. People always state that he and I should date or we seem perfect together. Thing is, we aren't. Though I am the most important girl in his life, it is as a family member, which is a good thing since I cannot see him anything but a friend or a brother because that would just be weird. But anyways, he said that worse comes to worse he flies me out to PA to stay with him family. So at least I got that.
And Sara. Always have Sara to lean on. Though she is such a silly bun. With her I started drawing Apple Butt and her gang again. It is actually improving. 
Anyways, yeah, just trying to update my life on here again. I need an outlet for the time being. 


Monday, May 29, 2017

Met a few people

Today I went to school to work on my thesis and to enroll myself into my classes. I ended up befriending people from Georgia. Yup from back home. The state right above mine. I spent a good few hours with them. Made a few jokes and what not. It was nice being able to fully speak English to people and have then get and understand my references. Makes me miss home even more. But it did help me a bit today. A small amount of joy. Though I only spent a few hours before they had to get to what they were here for so I went home, it was a nice change on how my life here usully is. Since I fell asleep at 6am, and woke up at 9am, I really should take a nap. My head is spinning and it is really hot outside. Maybe that icky feeling I been having finally gone away? Here is to hoping.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

It has been a while..

I know I disappeared. Been dealing with some stuff. Mentally that is. Got so caught up in the strong current which overtook me, that I had forgotten how to swim and as a result I have been distant and cold to so many people. I stopped talking to almost everyone, expect my mom. (she likes to know I am alive). Granted I use social media, but usually I keep to myself. Been using...well doing art therapy with my older sister to keep myself in check. Most of which I post on my instagram. This is actually the first time I am posting in a while because this is the first time in a while I don't feel like crap. I didn't really how much it would affect my physical self. I am actually having to do damage control on my hair to help it from totally going nuts on me. Never thought I would ever say that. But the crushing and falling feeling has lifted some. Maybe I shouldn't keep things to myself. Maybe I should stop listening to what people say about me. I wish I could rewind these last few weeks and just start over. My life fallen to pieces and only now have I started to bend down and try to pick them and put them back together. School life is hanging on by a single thread, which I am trying to recreate the rope which use to be there. My social life is no more, reaching back out to those I use to talk to is harder than I thought over here. Someone always needs me to do something. Always expects something. When did I stop feeling like I could do something worthwhile? I am currently trying. Trying to pour the liquid gold into the cracks of my old life to make something even better out of it. Going to try to keep a positive mind...no matter how drained I become. Here is to trying.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Long long time since I posted here.


Yeah....been a while.
So much has happened. And currently in a bad place. Mostly my fault, so I have no right to complain. But it does take a toll when one has no one to talk to, or to make smile. -takes a breath- So I decided to come back here. I did try to reach him, but no reply, he randomly disappeared. I am worried about him, hopefully he is okay. If nothing in a few days, I may try to email him again. (Yes, I am well aware I am annoying)
Between the thesis and Sam (with others), my life has been a major mess. I actually...broke down in tears in the Dean's office from everything. -laughs- We were talking about me running for the LGU, and me declining and randomly started crying. Had to explain to her that I am just over stressed so since the weekend was coming up, I relaxed an naturally cry. I have seriously thought I stopped being a crybaby, guess not.
Along with that....I am...I don't know, hurt I suppose that Sam has basically tossed me aside these past couple of weeks. No real idea why. First I thought it was due to my little blow up in Cebu, but now...now it just seems she just doesn't want to be friends anymore. It wouldn't hurt if she didn't go out of her way to secretly invite our mutual friends to go out. Meaning, she would say bye she was going home, call one of the friends I am talking to, then invite her to go out. Usually I would be told to come along, but the friend told me she would be right back....to which was a lie, I overheard the conversation, then saw the photos online. Hahaha. People going behind my back and whatnot. Seems like high school again. I don't know. I just I thought she would be different due to age, and having problems she talked to me and only me about. Through my encouragements, she opened up to our close friends/group about her sexuality. I always supported her and helped her feel better no matter when or how I was doing, and then suddenly get tossed aside as if I was no one. 
Suppose it just is a shocker. It hurts, but I know I will get over it. Just everything happening so fast, and my mind not being able to handle it all. I didn't realize how lonely and captured I felt over here. Having so much expected from me, randomly getting tossed out of a group (again). They wonder why Abbie doesn't have a group, why she isn't like the other American students....because the same thing happens to her. She makes friends, and then they randomly leave her.  I have started talking to Abbie again, though we don't see eye to eye, she knows how I feel at least. Just a year and a half. 
Hahah writing all of this has made me want to cry. Gosh, do I really suck at making friends. I was going to write what people told me was said behind my back, but...I don't think I will now. 
I think...I think I am just not cut out for certain things. So now to get use to going out on dates alone instead of with her or the others. At least it is less than 2 years now, then I can go back home, hopefully to people who still care about it. 
Anyways, I am tired now...so I guess I will end this now before I get even more down.

Until next time, Ciao`.