Saturday, July 28, 2018

Future


Before, I always talked about the future, and tried to make the best of the now and it always falling through. But like....Matt just makes me feel secure. He is trying hard to pay off his bills so he can save. He is purposely going to school so he gets paid from the government for he can have some extra money for our future.
See, he uses the term "our". Everything he talks about, or does he automatically includes me. Even if it has nothing to do with me, he just puts me in it. His future vehicle is "our vehicle". His money is "our money." Everything. To strangers it looks as if we are married already from the way we bicker and know each other so well. It will be 2 months come august 4th of being with him.
Plus, now I am working part-time at an Asian place with my friend Ileana. She got me hired there. I work on the cashier and make the different types of tea. For the time being since I never worked at a restaurant. They want me to be able to handle things before putting me to work. So 3 days a week isn't that bad for a person just wanting some spending money and to save a little bit. Matt was very proud of me. He made such a big deal and started telling all his family about it. Even though it is a temp job til my papers are processed and I pass my NCLEX exam to become a registered US RN. He believes in my dreams and is helping me achieve it, just like I am helping him achieve his. I been at his place so much to the point that his family expects me there. Yesterday his mom told him, "no visitors over" and he was like, "Christina count as one?" And she laughed and told him I am family. She was thrilled I am working now cause I seem to be keeping Matt on the right track in life.
She also been less worried over his mental and emotional state since I been back. He has been more outgoing and willing to do things and not getting upset easily. She believes it is because of me. I dunno if it is true. But he always tells me I keep him calm.
Funny thing was, yesterday the dinner conversation was talking about Matt growing up and his mom stating he'll love sales on clothes when he has kids. And Matt looked directly at me smiling, which his sister caught and mentioned it out loud saying, "Matt looked at Christina. Mom we should expect some in the near future!" And that caused a chain of events of his youngest brother mentioning Matt and I will eventually "do it" but after we are married. And his second sister was like, "wait! You are a couple!??!?! Christina will become my sister-in-law?! Yes!! Thank you." 
Fyi he has not proposed and won't til we are stable on our own, OR if for some reason he goes back into the navy. We both agreed that we will elope at city hall of he re-enlisted so he can bring me with him so he won't have to say good-bye to me for long periods of time.

That future use to scare me. Thinking of the uncertainty and wondering if the guy and I will even last til my birthday or even a month without disappearing, went away cause I am his priority. He said "I love you" for the first time to me directly and he makes sure I know he does. He tells everyone who I am.
He doesn't even let me leave his mini-cooper if I am not smiling. He refuses to see me without a smile. The moment I am not smiling or I zone out, he automatically hugs me and asks what is on my mind so he can put my worries to rest.
He doesn't push me into sexual things, though I tease him relentlessly and he calls me major brat for it. He just.....he doesn't lace together magical words to make my heart race or flutter. Even when I was in the Philippines. No matter how busy he got, even with the time zone differences, he stayed up late and woke up early just to have time to talk to me when i am not busy. Though it tired him out. Which is why he is happy I am here, no more him trying to remember times and what i am doing at a certain time. He can easily do that here cause he doesn't have to think of a 12 or 13 hour time difference.
He just....makes me happy.
I always thought the greatest love in life would be filled with emotions and passion and my heart would never stop racing and shit. No....I believe it is the calmness of love that makes someone the true love, the greatest love. 
He makes my heart race, and calm both at the same time.
But like....he remains being my best friend. We have inside jokes and not everything is about couple and love and shit. We talk about everything. And he is very protective over me. When we go out he keeps my hand in his. And when i go out alone he messages me often to make sure I arrive safely where i was heading or i got home safely and if i need him to come and get me. Like he just....shows love over me from his actions. His family makes fun of him for showing that side openly cause of me. But at the same time....words are nice, but actions are better. If a guy wanted to be with you, then they would have. Life would not get in the way easily, even in distance. The effort to talk should be equal, and surprises often, even if it is small, is a must. Matt taught me that. He changed my idea on relationships. To be held as if I am the world. To actually feel like I am the world to him even when i was in the philippines and not through words....maybe i fell for him while i was there and just not realize it. He admits he had to help me get feelings for him cause I had a tough time seeing him as someone I'd sleep with and have kids or even marry. The idea of kissing him made me laugh. But now that i look back. When did i start having these feelings? Is it current? Or did i love him for a while now without knowing.
But....now I have a future to look forward to. A future husband. As he says, "it isn't an if i propose, or an if we get married. It is when i propose and when we get married. There is not if on us being together. I want you as my wife and that will never change." So....thinking and planning and even talking about the future and what we'll do with our kids, how we'll rise them as well as where we will live. He looks into safe locations and makes sure that everything is a good decent nearby, like hospital or medical place for me. As well as school zones and store. He also takes my wants and plans and mixes them together to create a future I cannot wait for. Even if it won't be exactly the way we plan, i wouldn't want to be with anyone but him now. I just....love him. And his bits of fat is nice to hug. 

Monday, July 23, 2018

Home


I am upmost surprised by how easily it is for me to be....
Thing is, I never thought I'll move on from him. Never thought I'd fall in love with another guy, at least not so quickly. Does that mean I didn't love Ashe? No. I love him so much. I will always love him. But if I had to state the one thing that kept tearing us apart....it wasn't the distant. It wasn't the lack of feelings or friendship or even trust. It was how he saw me. How he saw the whole thing. I was almost always treated with the best care. Always kept on the sidelines so nothing could hurt me. Never wanted me to worry or anything. He was careful with me and how he approached me despite knowing how much i love him.

But now? I still do, but differently. He was my first love, and there has been crushes in between due to things being on and off. But now the person who has my heart is Matt. The person who steps into my dreams and turns everything around is Matt. Would I have know within less than 2 months I could easily state I am in love with the dork? I would have laughed. But here I am. Laying in bed, writing this. Thinking of him. Missing him even though we see each other almost every day. We talk to each other almost all day long everyday. I always miss him the moment we are apart.

Today, when he got home from work he told me he misses me. That he was homesick. Our love may not be filled with steamy passion. Our love does make us have butterflies, or flustered over things cause of each other...

He told me a few times, "You keep me calm." Even when I do nothing. Whenever he has a bad day, the moment he comes to see me, he relaxes and his troubled mind goes away. For the past 2 weeks, I gotten into the habit of randomly telling him I love him. Not to have him say it back. I know him. Know what he has been through. Those words are difficult for him to say. I always tell him not to say it cause I don't want to hear it. He knows I say it to remind him that he makes me happy. That it isn't just a romantic love I have for him. But a love of my best friend. Of someone I consider family. 
Last week, he confessed that he said it out loud twice. Of course not loud enough so I can hear it. Just him mindlessly watching me and saying it. I had to ask when where this two times cause I always pay attention. Apparently the first time was when he dropped me off at 1AM, and I took his sweater to sleep in. He said the moment I closed the door he said it cause I looked so happy hugging his sweater to my face. How did he expect me to ever hear that while walking away, who knows. 
The second time was last Thursday. I was at his place, helping him with his school assignments, since he always did struggle in the homework part. He may be smart, but he is lazy and doesn't remember to do it. But if I agree to go over and sit in his bed, he'll do it. But this time he needed help with powerpoint since he didn't know how I always made mine look so....well one-of-a-kind. He put all the information on the slides, and the pictures he wanted, but due to not knowing how to creatively put it all together, he allowed me total control on that. He said watching me sit in his gaming chair, humming and happily working on his computer made him realize how much he loves my smile. That when I asked for a drink, and added "love ya" as he walked out, he couldn't help but mutter "love you too." He said that he stood in the hall very shocked that the words came out of his mouth again.
Then Friday, even though he was off, he had plans to go out with his ex girlfriend, who was his first love, and I had plans to go out with my friend Ileana. Yes, I know. What girlfriend would permit him to go out for lunch and hang out with his first love?!...well they are friends. He informed me. And I trust him to not cheat on me. Plus she has been married for like...4 or 5 years now. I don't feel threatened by his exes. They all are beyond happy he and I are together. He even told me how the day went, what they talked about even though I told him he didn't have to tell me. Most of the time they talked about me. (She had invited me to come along, but I felt awkward since she hated me in high school.) And he told her we are a couple. And how it happened. Which caused him to miss me greatly. So after their catch up time ended, he ended up driving about 1.5 hours to the mall Ileana and I were at just so he can see me. He missed me but talking about me made him miss me even more that he had to see me that day.
 He admitted that he feels that way to me but wasn't sure how long it would take him to verbally express it. Of course I knew nothing about that until he dropped me off and during our, "stay in the car to talk/cuddle before actually parting" time that evening after picking me up at the mall, he asked "no one will come between us and pull us apart. No one will take you away from me, right?" He knew that all my feelings was to him, he knew I was finally over my ex. But since I been back guys has been flirting with me(well try to, I always tell them off) and then him knowing my older sister doesn't want me to be in a relationship at all. He feared that someone will come and break the relationship. I asked him why he was asking that, and that was his response. With his history in relationships, I completely understand why he worries. I told him that no one will. I don't want to start again. I find him to be my comfort and the person who makes me calm down when I start to get anxious. That I wouldn't let anyone come between him and I. And I asked him if he would, or if he'd cheat. And he hugged me tightly saying he never would cause that meant he'd lose the person who is the world to him.
Which...I believe him. He always reminds me why I mean so much, from breaking his comfort zone to never giving up on him whenever he goes through his darkest moments. He said that he never realized how the person who makes the world seem peaceful and makes him feel so much love for someone was the one person who was already always by his side. Of course that always makes me question if he is settling, and he sad no. That he was ready to not be with anyone. To be "forever single" cause he went numb. But then because of me, and me being the only one who messaged him everyday even though he wouldn't reply, he slowly started noticing how I am, how I was. And he started to fall. That he always thought I was cute, but never paid any attention to me in a romantic way cause he only saw me as a friend, but when he realized I was a female who dealt with a ton of sexual harassment, he saw me so differently that it took him by complete surprise. That he never looked into my eyes, or even noticed my eye shape until he realized he kept looking at my photos.
I felt happy. I always feel happy when he tells me things like that. I was worried that maybe I was settling for agreeing to date him. After all, I had so many guys after me, was heartbroken that I couldn't be with who I wanted before. But now...now I know for a fact that I did the right that. That this is the right thing. I am not settling. And I believe him. If we had even given the thought of dating each other back in high school, maybe he wouldn't have had gone through so much. But then I wouldn't have had my degree. I would have missed out on my college experience in the Philippines....so maybe, just maybe it was timing to bring us together. That we were always suppose to be together but it was just suppose to take us a while before realizing it.
Why? Because whenever he hugs me, my heart beat slows down to a calming beat. That I don't want anyone to kiss him, to touch him the way I do. That I don't want him to touch anyone the way he does with me. That I always want to be by his side, no matter where we end up. When I leave him, I feel an ache in my heart and incomplete.
He may not be the best looking guy. He may not make much, he may not be the most charming guy, or the smartest. But he is the sweetest. He does his best, and always makes sure I am safe and never said. He does whatever it takes to make me smile and laugh even if it makes a fool out of him in public.
When I close my eyes and think of home....it is him. He is my home. His arms, his lips. The warmth from his body against me. He is my home. And I would never give that up.
I am happy. I am in love. He is my best friend. He is my boyfriend.
He is sure of marrying me one day. He is sure he wants a family with me. He isn't sure what life may bring, but he is sure he wants to find out with me.
I am happy I am his home. And that he is mine.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Happiness


So Matt and I decided to date, he has been courting me in a way before I came home. He made sure I knew he wanted a chance with me, and that he had strong feelings towards me. Every day he reminded me to be myself and that I am fine the way I am. So, yes little pieces of me started to like him. But at the same time, I was struggling liking Ashe. I was in love with him since high school. He has been a major part of my life and every time I tried to move on, he'd come out of no where and I'd fall right back in love with him again. Matt knew that. But the whole 4th year of nursing, he made sure I knew where I stood in his life. He made sure I knew that his life wasn't perfect. He suffered from a horrible breakup and may have a kid which kills him that he may never meet.
In fact he thanked me before telling me he liked me. He thanked me for making him feel. Saying that his want in keeping the creepy guys in the Philippines away from me basically jump-started things for him. That at first he started wanting to protect me, solely cause I am his best friend. Then as days turned to weeks he noticed that he was falling for me. He also knew I don't date my best friend in the fear of losing my best friend. But as time went on, he couldn't just pretend he saw me as a friend. He told me, that when he thinks of the future the person who was always by his side was me. The one he wanted to do things with, even the little things, was with me. So he confessed and told me I didn't have to answer him. Just to wait til I am home to make a decision, but to allow him to treat me as the person who he held strong feelings for. 

So, I decided, hell I am single let's see how this goes. He knew I was still in love with my ex, and yet here he was laying his damaged and beaten heart out for me. Months passed and I started jokingly calling him my boyfriend to keep the guys away from me. So I started to develop feelings. He knew. I knew yet denied it. 

But when I told him when I was arriving home, he actually showed up. He showed up at the airport. He didn't have flowers or anything. But he felt that the first non-family and stranger I should see was him. He didn't care that he had to take off work and waited there early in case my flight came in early, he didn't want to miss me like he did when I last came home. Even though he had no feelings then, we did start to drift apart in our friendship. Honestly, I date quite a lot of people. And I always got pushed to the back burner, always told "I'll see you when I am free." Or in the case of my ex which was an online ldr, "he was too busy to reply." I gotten so use to being second to things. With Ashe, I wasn't even number 1 in his life. If he had a problem, he went to Chelsea(his best friend). When we were together and he drank he would tell me how he wanted a chance with her, and if she got divorced he would make a move. But then he'd apologize. But the fact he flipped after she got married and moved and went out of his way to see her....that always stuck with me. He may have loved me, may still do, but it was not the same or enough to make him do the craziest things. So having Matt call out of work, drive an hour to the airport, sit and wait for 3 hours til I arrived. Then waited another 2 hours til my dad arrived so we'd know my mom found my dad. He put in effort i never experienced. 
So I agreed to date him via terms. A trial relationship. 1 month, starting from when I arrived, to make me stay, to make me feel the way he does, to change my whole idea and rule on dating a best friend.
He took it. And...I am glad I agreed. 
A month and some days later, I hate being away from him. He makes me feel as if I was the most important person in the world. He goes out of his way to see me after his long days, even if it is for a mere hour or even half an hour. He makes sure to see me. He makes sure I don't worry about his well being. And without knowing or thinking about it, I forgotten about the terms. We planned roadtrips, he says we will be together. He won't let me go easy. That no matter my attitude, or how I make him mad or make a mistake(expect for cheating in any sort of way) he will still love me and always make sure I am smiling. 
Today we both set a goal for a roadtrip to see his father's side of the family next summer. But he had to contact his grandma on his father's side. So he did. This woman knows how he is easily depressed and knows how horrible he has been. And the first thing she asked was, "how have you been doing?" He smiled and replied "I've been good...great actually", all while smiling at me. He ended up chit chatting and told her about his mental health, that he has been in good places even if life gets hard because he has the best person anyone can ask for sitting right next to him. I honestly didn't think much about what I wanting to be with him would actually do. I never thought that he'd tell people I changed his life for the better, that he found the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. My heart fluttered hearing how much he truly loves me. 
He constantly assures me that no girl would ever take him away. That they may hit on him, flirt with him, but he wouldn't notice or care cause the one person he wants is me. The one person who makes life a happier place is me. The one person he wants to kiss is me. The one person he never wants anyone else to touch is me. 
He is childish, he is perverted, he has sooo much baggage from his past, he has every reason to give up on love....but he openly loves me. He openly reminds me. He always, always makes sure to spoil me. Not in items, but with love and attention.  He never said "I love you" to me. But everyone who seen me with him and walked up to me to tell me how lucky I am to have a guy who looks at me with such soft loving eyes, I can't help but melt. I know his gaze always finds me. He smiles at me and tells me that i am his girl.

I am not even scared at the thoughts of having a family with him, and every day i grow clinger and happier with the decision of moving on and giving him a chance. Cause every day i fall in love with him more and more. 
I am glad he is mine and I am his. 
And I can say, I am happy.