Be my Fairytale

"Hard to admit but I′m falling apart

Catch every piece of me

And place me in your heart"

Got to work early today. Forgot that first patient starts at 8:20AM. Good thing about today is last patient is at 3:50...is that a good thing? I don't want to go back to the apartment. I don't want to not be busy. My head hurts. Having anxiety about today. Actually having anxiety about work in general since I know I have an evaluation coming up. My nerves are wrecked in all directions. 

Last night I sat in bed until maybe 1AM just listening to music. Didn't even lay down. Just sat there.

My mom came in my room last night, they been sleeping in the living room since they come and go as they please, and she told me that I brought this on myself. I dream too much. I believe in fairytale endings. I believe that love is all it takes as long as no one gives up. That magic goes to those who believe.

It's not his fault. Everything was made clear from the beginning. But that small part of me that I buried so long ago that we'd end up together just clawed it's way up without me realizing it until I was drowning with want. I knew where he stood but that small part of me that was seen by him and his his words filled me up unburied the me who wants a life with him as more than just a friend. The one who wants to stand as his equal. Who wants to grab his hand and dance in the rain or just melt kisses on his face when the world is too sharp. 

Just reading what I wrote...I am too much. I love way too hard and way too much. I never learned to tone it down. And that's what scared him away years ago and that's what pushed him this time too. Maybe I'm not deserving of love that way I dream of it. Maybe I need to stop day wishing of romance and my love story and just live life like everyone else.

My head is pounding so hard still. I know it's not from the bruise I made but from the very little sleep I've been getting. Between wanting to be held and loved, knowing I won't be, anxiety about work, and the headache of family members. I feel like whenever I take a deep breath no air fills my lungs. Just my luck that I have to act all "magical" today since I'm in peds and the little kids need distractions and fun when being tested to focus.