Late, but here it is.

Okay, so now I am 25 years old. 

December 8th was my birthday. 

So this year has been all over the place for me. I lost touch with someone who was the number one person in my life, and then reconnected to the person who was my best friend.

Now....Matt is the person who I am leaning on most of these days. He has been a major supporter and has been making me feel better than I felt most of this year.

Even though he is not my boyfriend, he certainly acts like he is. Claiming that asking a girl to be his girlfriend through messages is not his thing, so he keeps reminding me that in 6 months we will be together. At first, it scared me. Terrified me due to the fact I still had feelings for Ashe.

I can use the word had now instead of have. I will always love Ashe. Always. But the love I have for him is not the same anymore. My attention shifted to Matt. Even though Matt is not manly, nowhere near an amazingly smart and active guy....he is caring....sweet, and always makes sure I know how he feels about me. I would not date a best friend normally. But while talking with him, he slowly made me open up to him, and while talking with him he opened up and somehow started liking me and wanted to care for me and protect me from people who are creeps. So he started flirting with me. And in doing so, made me develop feelings slowly. And he knows at times I feel scared and what does he tell me? "It is okay. Just take your time. I can wait for you."

When he first told me that he is the one taking the steps to get closer to me as more than just a best friend, I was scared. He knew it cause he knew how much I was destroyed over the last guy I fell in love with. He knows I have closed off and he respects me enough to tell me up front that he is just going to wait til I am able to see him differently. And that he isn't going anywhere as long as I want him around.

I didn't realize how lonely I felt with Ashe. I love him, I loved him so much but it was so lonely always being second to everything. I was second to Chelsea, I was second to his work. I was just....second. I accepted it, but didn't want to lose him so being second in his heart and in his life was okay with me. I knew I would never compete with his best friend. He loved her since before I knew him. I know during that time he loved me fully. But it just wasn't enough. He never stuck with me and when moments got hard. Got even just a slight difficult he turned and left me a mess....and I still loved him and always ran back when I convienced him to try again.

With Matt... ☺ I don't think I will ever feel that way. Even when I don't talk to him I don't feel lonely. When he is busy, completely busy with his work or even with his hobby. He always....always messages me. He always tells me how happy he is, what is on his mind. He doesn't make me feel like I am not enough or I have to compete for his attention. Even when someone else flirts with him, he tells me about it. Even if it gets me jealous, he reassures me nothing will take him away from me. Nothing will make him leave. That he is mine as long as I want him as mine.

Even though I have not stated anything to him other than telling him I don't want him to go to another girl. He stays and teases me. He playful talks dirty to me, and doesn't go too far. He notices right away when something is off with me and annoys me til I tell him. If I get sad or i cry, he spends every second trying to make me smile even if he doesn't understand why or know why. He just goes out of his way to do whatever he can think of to try and make me smile. From dirty photos, to memes, to silly selfies of himself(even though he hates taking a photo). He doesn't stop til he knows for sure I cracked a slight smile.

I guess that is what made me start to like him. He doesn't care how I am. My mood swings, my indecisiviness, my habits my attitude, the way i love to confuse things for my own entertainment. He just reminds me to be me. That he knows how I am cause he knows who I was before Ashe. He knows my little habits cause I was always around him. And he doesn't care about knowing everything. He only wants me to feel comfortable and tell him if I want to. Idk....just...the thought of Matt now makes my heart race and gives me a smile that I had when I thought of Ashe...no, he gives me a bigger smile than any that Ashe gave me. I cannot wait to see if I will actually become his girlfriend or not.
So why is this my last post?
Simple. I don't need this blog anymore. I held on to it because I was clinging onto Ashe. The memory the feelings. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to face reality that he is not coming back for me. And now...I am okay with it. I hope he found someone. Someone better than me. Someone who fits who he wants. Someone he loves without making her an option. He is an amazing guy. I am happy I fell in love with him. But now I am happy I have Matt. I am happy that he wants me. I am happy my feelings for him grows each day. I am just.....happy. So I don't need this blog. I don't need to give daily updates on my life. I don't need to hold on to someone who, I think was never mine. I loved him. I wanted to marry him and be his wife. Wanted to be the mother of his kids. But I was always second, even though he loved me. If I didn't lose him to another girl....I would have lost him to work. And I...I hate feel lonely.
Now all my thoughts, my feelings are on Matt. It is on making a life with my best friend and seeing where it takes us.
So...this is good bye. I will always cherish you. I will always love you, you will always have a place in my heart. By....my heart is slowly becoming someone's to have. And I want nothing more than to give it to Matt.
So this is it.
Good bye.

Soon

My last post on this blog will be soon.

That will be on my birthday this week. :) It falls on a Friday, so I will be making sure to wrap up all my loose ends on that day, because I am turning 25 years old. I am making changes in my life and taking chances.