200th post on here.

So this is my 200th post on this blog.

Go blog. Proud of ya for sticking around this long while I basically shitpost "sob" life crap to random posting. Ha. 

How am I? Still no sleep but gotta get myblazy bum to school to deal with forms and stuff for requirements. Should I just drop out? No? Didn't think so. One last year. Just got to push through the remaining time.

So I did my eye makeup. Excuse my ugly face. No idea to why it is so pink in some areas. Maybe lighting? Maybe angle? Though my cheeks are pretty pink at the moment. 

Why the makeup? Well....I felt crappy and making my eyes pop always did make me feel a bit better. Besides that I pretty much look dead so best to cover that up til I get some proper rest. 

Hope my daily school run around goes smoothly today. Too tired to deal with the stress. 

Been Busy: Tired and still no sleep.

So I got a bit busy. Not with anything in actual importance. Just took a walk to try and clear my head after dealing with school stuff. Okay, I have to KEEP IN MY GODDAMN MIND IT IS DEATHLY HOT OUTSIDE! 

I keep forgetting that bit. Anyways, it was a nice walk. Ended up at the mall and had an awkward run in with some classmates who are the hosts to the American students for the next 2 weeks. I didn't want to explain things to them as well as deal with chatting with them in general. Mainly cause I was really tired due to the heat. Completely my fault. 

So what has been on my mind? Why have I been so down and distant lately? I don't really know. And it bothers me. Mainly fear has been a big trigger for me. As well as the stress to be someone the others expect me to be. At school others always want me to take the role of the leader, the adult role. The one to decide and figure everything out. Usually I am find doing that but the fear of failing or messing up has me nearly at wits end. This is most towards my thesis. They expect me to write as a professional would...I never been great at writing. Making stories and doodling, yes. Caring for people, explaining things in simple ways so everyone to understand, oral presentation is what I am best at. Tell me to put together a report I can do that. But ask me to write all of it down and always reprint it....too much. No one in my group is really helping me...Yna tries her hardest. But sometimes she expects me to take the lead when I am unsure myself. 

With classmates, they expect me to just know things. Or have answers, even when I have no idea what is going on. Usually I don't get told what is going on and stumble through school activities trying to piece together what is needed of me. But they come to me to ask the same questions I have. And leave me helplessly trying to seek for assistance. Which rarely comes. 

I know I have complained about Sam a lot. I adore her. Really I do. But she has become a different person who I don't always "click" with anyone. It isn't a bad thing. I am always there when she needs to vent or to have a real heart to heart talking with or to have an outside opinion who has no sides in some matters. But everyone, even Sam, expects me to change who I am to flow with the vibe of the group. 

I know I have a bad mouth with no filter at times, I am even worse at properly expressing myself, but in no way am I the type of person who will put myself in harms way or bow down to ideas I don't agree with. Sam respects that of me but it does lead to a lot of tension between us. That is fine as well. But she also keeps making bad decisions. I know "she has to live her on life and that it is always her choice." But I believe friends, no matter how close, should always try to stop things when they feel it is not something they should be doing. i.e, one wouldn't let a friend with a drug addiction go to a drug party with a high chance of overdosing, or to some affect to that. You all know what I mean. Friends shouldn't enable bad behavior. I keep telling myself that over here I will not get involve with matters. I will keep my mouth shut and head down. But some of her actions I disagree with. So it tries our friendship a lot. Don't know how we will engage with each other when classes start. She openly ignores me now unless she needs me for something, or if someone states they are my best friend. She gets defensive and whatnot but we rarely talk now and haven't hung out since....well Feb? She goes out with the girls and with the guys with no invite to me. No one really invites me out anymore...which now that I think about it is actually a good thing since my department has had so much drama. 

I also ended up publically verbally attacking people because of a friend. D.J was shown off as a slut or something. Not really sure the full story, anyways it doesn't matter. What she does is no one's busniess but hers. People had no right to post her private conversations over petty crap. And she became victim to cyber bullying and school bullying. I ended up involved even though she told me to ignore her at school if she saw me. I did no such thing. And resulted in people not wanting to talk to me. Thankfully for her it has blown over for the most part. She just is now the "butt" of everyones joke. But my outburst has caused a slight negative feedback upon me. 

But...yeah, fear. Getting back to what has  been on my mind. What if I become  big disappointment? What if I make a laughing stock out of myself? If everything I have stived so hard for these past few years fall apart over a a small mistake I make? I am scared that I have no real right to do what I do. I mean I am basically outcasted in my family here. My "friends" come and go as they please. I have an abandonment problem and an attachment problem. 

But a big question I been battling with (one which is ever so clichèd) "Would anyone besides my parents and sisters actually care if I die?" "Would anyone really care if I just disappear?" I mean really? I get that my parents and sisters would. That is a dead given. But would anyone else feel empty? Would they even notice? 

Most will say yes they would. But truthfully, would it be that or they feel bad cause they are suppose to feel bad?

Well that is all I been thinking about these last few days. 

Early morning. No sleep.

Okay so this morning since I couldn't sleep, Sara told me to doodle but with pen, so if I made mistakes I can't erase them. They didn't turn out as badly as I thought they would. So I been lost in my mind since yesterday, I think I just need to write things out again. After I am done with my daily errands, I will try to get some sleep then come back here and empty my mind properly. I think I can do that. 

My Last Year

Of Nursing will start June 13th. Officially in my 4th year of nursing and still wondering why I am even trying. Hah.

To be honest, I am surprised how far I came. Surprised that I am going to enter 4th year. I should have graduated a few years ago if I had stuck with my plan on studying right after high school. Oh well. At least this isn't so bad. 

So, I ended up talking to Jhens and Yna about how I felt. To apologize about being distant with them. Mainly Yna because we are in the same thesis group. And Yna told me to never mind it because I always waited for her no matter how far behind she was from us, so she will just wait around and make sure I don't get "left out" and always have the option of joining in the fun.

Jhens just felt bad. She still thinks it is due to what happened in Cebu since things haven't been the same in the group, but I told her nah we learned things about each other and that allowed us to grow and understand one another.

So, I been feeling in between today. Only thing I did was enroll myself and make phone calls to the school to find out information towards our classes. Surprised the workers there because they know I usually just show up in person. So I did a little white lie and told them I wasn't in the city and was enrolling via mobile. 

A part of me is excited about this being my last year. The other part is scared. After this what happens? I know I didn't want to put roots down, but I couldn't help it. I am so use to the "Filipino" version of things. Like, what if I have a craving for something I can't get in the states? Or what if I just end up not being able to start my life over again when I get back?

I mean, I have the option of running to Brian if life gets too hard, I know I always have a friend with him to help me out and whatnot. After all he is an older brother to me. People always state that he and I should date or we seem perfect together. Thing is, we aren't. Though I am the most important girl in his life, it is as a family member, which is a good thing since I cannot see him anything but a friend or a brother because that would just be weird. But anyways, he said that worse comes to worse he flies me out to PA to stay with him family. So at least I got that.

And Sara. Always have Sara to lean on. Though she is such a silly bun. With her I started drawing Apple Butt and her gang again. It is actually improving. 

Anyways, yeah, just trying to update my life on here again. I need an outlet for the time being. 

Met a few people

Today I went to school to work on my thesis and to enroll myself into my classes. I ended up befriending people from Georgia. Yup from back home. The state right above mine. I spent a good few hours with them. Made a few jokes and what not. It was nice being able to fully speak English to people and have then get and understand my references. Makes me miss home even more. But it did help me a bit today. A small amount of joy. Though I only spent a few hours before they had to get to what they were here for so I went home, it was a nice change on how my life here usully is. Since I fell asleep at 6am, and woke up at 9am, I really should take a nap. My head is spinning and it is really hot outside. Maybe that icky feeling I been having finally gone away? Here is to hoping.

It has been a while..

I know I disappeared. Been dealing with some stuff. Mentally that is. Got so caught up in the strong current which overtook me, that I had forgotten how to swim and as a result I have been distant and cold to so many people. I stopped talking to almost everyone, expect my mom. (she likes to know I am alive). Granted I use social media, but usually I keep to myself. Been using...well doing art therapy with my older sister to keep myself in check. Most of which I post on my instagram. This is actually the first time I am posting in a while because this is the first time in a while I don't feel like crap. I didn't really how much it would affect my physical self. I am actually having to do damage control on my hair to help it from totally going nuts on me. Never thought I would ever say that. But the crushing and falling feeling has lifted some. Maybe I shouldn't keep things to myself. Maybe I should stop listening to what people say about me. I wish I could rewind these last few weeks and just start over. My life fallen to pieces and only now have I started to bend down and try to pick them and put them back together. School life is hanging on by a single thread, which I am trying to recreate the rope which use to be there. My social life is no more, reaching back out to those I use to talk to is harder than I thought over here. Someone always needs me to do something. Always expects something. When did I stop feeling like I could do something worthwhile? I am currently trying. Trying to pour the liquid gold into the cracks of my old life to make something even better out of it. Going to try to keep a positive mind...no matter how drained I become. Here is to trying.