I just can't....

I know I whine so much. Expectly about him and my life. Most people will or do think "move on, he is just not into you", "if he really cared he would keep in touch", "you are annoying just move on"....or something along those lines.

Okay so...these past 2 months (June and July) has just been killing me. Completely. My emotions are shot, my eyes hurt, my head hasn't stopped pounding, and I feel completely worthless. Just from school. But what just stays on my mind from the moment I wake up til I try to fall asleep? Him. That is right I am always thinking of Ashe. (Yup using his name).

Some nights I have very detailed dreams of him. Other nights I can't even remember what I was dreaming of. I been restless.

Last I heard from him was in March telling me he had some kind of accident. And that was the end of it. I been waiting. Every day and night waiting to hear something from him. But nothing came through. Slowly I fear for the worse. Then recently my friend was found dead after missing for 3 days. And I can't even say good bye to him because of the distance. What if Ashe is already gone? No one contacts me to tell me anything. I miss him terribly and I hold on to hope he is still alive and well.

But I just can't move on. Even when I try. I know better than to be a love struck girl who will think he is still single and in love with me. (Gosh I wish that he would be) but chances are he found someone. Someone suited for him. Someone who isn't me. And it tears me to pieces whenever I think of it. So I try my hardest not to, but it is hard since I only ever had feelings for him and saw myself with him. But as long as he is happy and alive that is all that matters. 

I can't move on. I am stuck in a singular place in life. Each day that passes overwhelms me and I feel like i am falling further and further behind people and when I fall, I barely have the will power to get back up again. 

My classmate Abbie has been pulling me along. I stopped hanging with Sam and the others. I only talk to a few people now. Thankfully no one here pays close attention. Even Sam. She says she can tell when someone important to her has something wrong, but she hasn't noticed me slowly giving up and losing interest in both school and social. Yna and I had a short chat about it. But it ended up with me being her support than her realizing how I was feeling.

I realized...a few days ago, I keep this blog up because I have hope Ashe is still reading this whenever I update it. But I can't know for sure. He must have moved on. He seemed like he was moving on slowly. 

If you are reading this Ashe...I love you so much. I miss you greatly and never stopped loving you from the moment I met you. 

But...I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like me. When I turn to someone else to ease my mind and warm my heart into a gentle beat, I don't find what I was looking for. The only person who calmed my storms and made me feel like a person was Ashe.

So I am just... I am lost.

I can't move on. I can't find joy. I can't focus. And I can't be me.

So what am I going to do? Sadly end this blog for the time being. Eventually come back to it. Maybe. Honestly I can't even tell when I can't even decide what tomorrowbmay bring for me.

Maybe I am depressed. Maybe it really does run in the family. Or I am just like what my mom's friend said. A girl who will only love once but have a hard life. 

Right now all I can do is close off all emotions until someone is able to find me in this darkness. Until someone's hand reaches out and I feel the warmth I need and been searching for.

If not. I will just...dunno.