So I got a bit busy. Not with anything in actual importance. Just took a walk to try and clear my head after dealing with school stuff. Okay, I have to KEEP IN MY GODDAMN MIND IT IS DEATHLY HOT OUTSIDE!
I keep forgetting that bit. Anyways, it was a nice walk. Ended up at the mall and had an awkward run in with some classmates who are the hosts to the American students for the next 2 weeks. I didn't want to explain things to them as well as deal with chatting with them in general. Mainly cause I was really tired due to the heat. Completely my fault.
So what has been on my mind? Why have I been so down and distant lately? I don't really know. And it bothers me. Mainly fear has been a big trigger for me. As well as the stress to be someone the others expect me to be. At school others always want me to take the role of the leader, the adult role. The one to decide and figure everything out. Usually I am find doing that but the fear of failing or messing up has me nearly at wits end. This is most towards my thesis. They expect me to write as a professional would...I never been great at writing. Making stories and doodling, yes. Caring for people, explaining things in simple ways so everyone to understand, oral presentation is what I am best at. Tell me to put together a report I can do that. But ask me to write all of it down and always reprint it....too much. No one in my group is really helping me...Yna tries her hardest. But sometimes she expects me to take the lead when I am unsure myself.
With classmates, they expect me to just know things. Or have answers, even when I have no idea what is going on. Usually I don't get told what is going on and stumble through school activities trying to piece together what is needed of me. But they come to me to ask the same questions I have. And leave me helplessly trying to seek for assistance. Which rarely comes.
I know I have complained about Sam a lot. I adore her. Really I do. But she has become a different person who I don't always "click" with anyone. It isn't a bad thing. I am always there when she needs to vent or to have a real heart to heart talking with or to have an outside opinion who has no sides in some matters. But everyone, even Sam, expects me to change who I am to flow with the vibe of the group.
I know I have a bad mouth with no filter at times, I am even worse at properly expressing myself, but in no way am I the type of person who will put myself in harms way or bow down to ideas I don't agree with. Sam respects that of me but it does lead to a lot of tension between us. That is fine as well. But she also keeps making bad decisions. I know "she has to live her on life and that it is always her choice." But I believe friends, no matter how close, should always try to stop things when they feel it is not something they should be doing. i.e, one wouldn't let a friend with a drug addiction go to a drug party with a high chance of overdosing, or to some affect to that. You all know what I mean. Friends shouldn't enable bad behavior. I keep telling myself that over here I will not get involve with matters. I will keep my mouth shut and head down. But some of her actions I disagree with. So it tries our friendship a lot. Don't know how we will engage with each other when classes start. She openly ignores me now unless she needs me for something, or if someone states they are my best friend. She gets defensive and whatnot but we rarely talk now and haven't hung out since....well Feb? She goes out with the girls and with the guys with no invite to me. No one really invites me out anymore...which now that I think about it is actually a good thing since my department has had so much drama.
I also ended up publically verbally attacking people because of a friend. D.J was shown off as a slut or something. Not really sure the full story, anyways it doesn't matter. What she does is no one's busniess but hers. People had no right to post her private conversations over petty crap. And she became victim to cyber bullying and school bullying. I ended up involved even though she told me to ignore her at school if she saw me. I did no such thing. And resulted in people not wanting to talk to me. Thankfully for her it has blown over for the most part. She just is now the "butt" of everyones joke. But my outburst has caused a slight negative feedback upon me.
But...yeah, fear. Getting back to what has been on my mind. What if I become big disappointment? What if I make a laughing stock out of myself? If everything I have stived so hard for these past few years fall apart over a a small mistake I make? I am scared that I have no real right to do what I do. I mean I am basically outcasted in my family here. My "friends" come and go as they please. I have an abandonment problem and an attachment problem.
But a big question I been battling with (one which is ever so clichèd) "Would anyone besides my parents and sisters actually care if I die?" "Would anyone really care if I just disappear?" I mean really? I get that my parents and sisters would. That is a dead given. But would anyone else feel empty? Would they even notice?
Most will say yes they would. But truthfully, would it be that or they feel bad cause they are suppose to feel bad?
Well that is all I been thinking about these last few days.
No comments:
Post a Comment