I am upmost surprised by how easily it is for me to be....
Thing is, I never thought I'll move on from him. Never thought I'd fall in love with another guy, at least not so quickly. Does that mean I didn't love Ashe? No. I love him so much. I will always love him. But if I had to state the one thing that kept tearing us apart....it wasn't the distant. It wasn't the lack of feelings or friendship or even trust. It was how he saw me. How he saw the whole thing. I was almost always treated with the best care. Always kept on the sidelines so nothing could hurt me. Never wanted me to worry or anything. He was careful with me and how he approached me despite knowing how much i love him.
But now? I still do, but differently. He was my first love, and there has been crushes in between due to things being on and off. But now the person who has my heart is Matt. The person who steps into my dreams and turns everything around is Matt. Would I have know within less than 2 months I could easily state I am in love with the dork? I would have laughed. But here I am. Laying in bed, writing this. Thinking of him. Missing him even though we see each other almost every day. We talk to each other almost all day long everyday. I always miss him the moment we are apart.
Today, when he got home from work he told me he misses me. That he was homesick. Our love may not be filled with steamy passion. Our love does make us have butterflies, or flustered over things cause of each other...
He told me a few times, "You keep me calm." Even when I do nothing. Whenever he has a bad day, the moment he comes to see me, he relaxes and his troubled mind goes away. For the past 2 weeks, I gotten into the habit of randomly telling him I love him. Not to have him say it back. I know him. Know what he has been through. Those words are difficult for him to say. I always tell him not to say it cause I don't want to hear it. He knows I say it to remind him that he makes me happy. That it isn't just a romantic love I have for him. But a love of my best friend. Of someone I consider family.
Last week, he confessed that he said it out loud twice. Of course not loud enough so I can hear it. Just him mindlessly watching me and saying it. I had to ask when where this two times cause I always pay attention. Apparently the first time was when he dropped me off at 1AM, and I took his sweater to sleep in. He said the moment I closed the door he said it cause I looked so happy hugging his sweater to my face. How did he expect me to ever hear that while walking away, who knows.
The second time was last Thursday. I was at his place, helping him with his school assignments, since he always did struggle in the homework part. He may be smart, but he is lazy and doesn't remember to do it. But if I agree to go over and sit in his bed, he'll do it. But this time he needed help with powerpoint since he didn't know how I always made mine look so....well one-of-a-kind. He put all the information on the slides, and the pictures he wanted, but due to not knowing how to creatively put it all together, he allowed me total control on that. He said watching me sit in his gaming chair, humming and happily working on his computer made him realize how much he loves my smile. That when I asked for a drink, and added "love ya" as he walked out, he couldn't help but mutter "love you too." He said that he stood in the hall very shocked that the words came out of his mouth again.
Then Friday, even though he was off, he had plans to go out with his ex girlfriend, who was his first love, and I had plans to go out with my friend Ileana. Yes, I know. What girlfriend would permit him to go out for lunch and hang out with his first love?!...well they are friends. He informed me. And I trust him to not cheat on me. Plus she has been married for like...4 or 5 years now. I don't feel threatened by his exes. They all are beyond happy he and I are together. He even told me how the day went, what they talked about even though I told him he didn't have to tell me. Most of the time they talked about me. (She had invited me to come along, but I felt awkward since she hated me in high school.) And he told her we are a couple. And how it happened. Which caused him to miss me greatly. So after their catch up time ended, he ended up driving about 1.5 hours to the mall Ileana and I were at just so he can see me. He missed me but talking about me made him miss me even more that he had to see me that day.
He admitted that he feels that way to me but wasn't sure how long it would take him to verbally express it. Of course I knew nothing about that until he dropped me off and during our, "stay in the car to talk/cuddle before actually parting" time that evening after picking me up at the mall, he asked "no one will come between us and pull us apart. No one will take you away from me, right?" He knew that all my feelings was to him, he knew I was finally over my ex. But since I been back guys has been flirting with me(well try to, I always tell them off) and then him knowing my older sister doesn't want me to be in a relationship at all. He feared that someone will come and break the relationship. I asked him why he was asking that, and that was his response. With his history in relationships, I completely understand why he worries. I told him that no one will. I don't want to start again. I find him to be my comfort and the person who makes me calm down when I start to get anxious. That I wouldn't let anyone come between him and I. And I asked him if he would, or if he'd cheat. And he hugged me tightly saying he never would cause that meant he'd lose the person who is the world to him.
Which...I believe him. He always reminds me why I mean so much, from breaking his comfort zone to never giving up on him whenever he goes through his darkest moments. He said that he never realized how the person who makes the world seem peaceful and makes him feel so much love for someone was the one person who was already always by his side. Of course that always makes me question if he is settling, and he sad no. That he was ready to not be with anyone. To be "forever single" cause he went numb. But then because of me, and me being the only one who messaged him everyday even though he wouldn't reply, he slowly started noticing how I am, how I was. And he started to fall. That he always thought I was cute, but never paid any attention to me in a romantic way cause he only saw me as a friend, but when he realized I was a female who dealt with a ton of sexual harassment, he saw me so differently that it took him by complete surprise. That he never looked into my eyes, or even noticed my eye shape until he realized he kept looking at my photos.
I felt happy. I always feel happy when he tells me things like that. I was worried that maybe I was settling for agreeing to date him. After all, I had so many guys after me, was heartbroken that I couldn't be with who I wanted before. But now...now I know for a fact that I did the right that. That this is the right thing. I am not settling. And I believe him. If we had even given the thought of dating each other back in high school, maybe he wouldn't have had gone through so much. But then I wouldn't have had my degree. I would have missed out on my college experience in the Philippines....so maybe, just maybe it was timing to bring us together. That we were always suppose to be together but it was just suppose to take us a while before realizing it.
Why? Because whenever he hugs me, my heart beat slows down to a calming beat. That I don't want anyone to kiss him, to touch him the way I do. That I don't want him to touch anyone the way he does with me. That I always want to be by his side, no matter where we end up. When I leave him, I feel an ache in my heart and incomplete.
He may not be the best looking guy. He may not make much, he may not be the most charming guy, or the smartest. But he is the sweetest. He does his best, and always makes sure I am safe and never said. He does whatever it takes to make me smile and laugh even if it makes a fool out of him in public.
When I close my eyes and think of home....it is him. He is my home. His arms, his lips. The warmth from his body against me. He is my home. And I would never give that up.
I am happy. I am in love. He is my best friend. He is my boyfriend.
He is sure of marrying me one day. He is sure he wants a family with me. He isn't sure what life may bring, but he is sure he wants to find out with me.
I am happy I am his home. And that he is mine.
Then Friday, even though he was off, he had plans to go out with his ex girlfriend, who was his first love, and I had plans to go out with my friend Ileana. Yes, I know. What girlfriend would permit him to go out for lunch and hang out with his first love?!...well they are friends. He informed me. And I trust him to not cheat on me. Plus she has been married for like...4 or 5 years now. I don't feel threatened by his exes. They all are beyond happy he and I are together. He even told me how the day went, what they talked about even though I told him he didn't have to tell me. Most of the time they talked about me. (She had invited me to come along, but I felt awkward since she hated me in high school.) And he told her we are a couple. And how it happened. Which caused him to miss me greatly. So after their catch up time ended, he ended up driving about 1.5 hours to the mall Ileana and I were at just so he can see me. He missed me but talking about me made him miss me even more that he had to see me that day.
He admitted that he feels that way to me but wasn't sure how long it would take him to verbally express it. Of course I knew nothing about that until he dropped me off and during our, "stay in the car to talk/cuddle before actually parting" time that evening after picking me up at the mall, he asked "no one will come between us and pull us apart. No one will take you away from me, right?" He knew that all my feelings was to him, he knew I was finally over my ex. But since I been back guys has been flirting with me(well try to, I always tell them off) and then him knowing my older sister doesn't want me to be in a relationship at all. He feared that someone will come and break the relationship. I asked him why he was asking that, and that was his response. With his history in relationships, I completely understand why he worries. I told him that no one will. I don't want to start again. I find him to be my comfort and the person who makes me calm down when I start to get anxious. That I wouldn't let anyone come between him and I. And I asked him if he would, or if he'd cheat. And he hugged me tightly saying he never would cause that meant he'd lose the person who is the world to him.
Which...I believe him. He always reminds me why I mean so much, from breaking his comfort zone to never giving up on him whenever he goes through his darkest moments. He said that he never realized how the person who makes the world seem peaceful and makes him feel so much love for someone was the one person who was already always by his side. Of course that always makes me question if he is settling, and he sad no. That he was ready to not be with anyone. To be "forever single" cause he went numb. But then because of me, and me being the only one who messaged him everyday even though he wouldn't reply, he slowly started noticing how I am, how I was. And he started to fall. That he always thought I was cute, but never paid any attention to me in a romantic way cause he only saw me as a friend, but when he realized I was a female who dealt with a ton of sexual harassment, he saw me so differently that it took him by complete surprise. That he never looked into my eyes, or even noticed my eye shape until he realized he kept looking at my photos.
I felt happy. I always feel happy when he tells me things like that. I was worried that maybe I was settling for agreeing to date him. After all, I had so many guys after me, was heartbroken that I couldn't be with who I wanted before. But now...now I know for a fact that I did the right that. That this is the right thing. I am not settling. And I believe him. If we had even given the thought of dating each other back in high school, maybe he wouldn't have had gone through so much. But then I wouldn't have had my degree. I would have missed out on my college experience in the Philippines....so maybe, just maybe it was timing to bring us together. That we were always suppose to be together but it was just suppose to take us a while before realizing it.
Why? Because whenever he hugs me, my heart beat slows down to a calming beat. That I don't want anyone to kiss him, to touch him the way I do. That I don't want him to touch anyone the way he does with me. That I always want to be by his side, no matter where we end up. When I leave him, I feel an ache in my heart and incomplete.
He may not be the best looking guy. He may not make much, he may not be the most charming guy, or the smartest. But he is the sweetest. He does his best, and always makes sure I am safe and never said. He does whatever it takes to make me smile and laugh even if it makes a fool out of him in public.
When I close my eyes and think of home....it is him. He is my home. His arms, his lips. The warmth from his body against me. He is my home. And I would never give that up.
I am happy. I am in love. He is my best friend. He is my boyfriend.
He is sure of marrying me one day. He is sure he wants a family with me. He isn't sure what life may bring, but he is sure he wants to find out with me.
I am happy I am his home. And that he is mine.
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