I never changed the blog's layout.
It stayed the same for so many years.
I never realized how quickly time slips away from you.
I am sure Jen would be shocked by the new design I decided to go with.
A bit darker than it was.
Okay, a lot more darker than it was.
And why not?
Red Spider Lilies are my favorite flower, so I decided to go with it.
Always, I been watching Jigoku Shoujo again.
With all my newly founded free time, I feel more lost than ever.
Haha.
No one's fault.
The interesting part in all of it, is the fact that now people want to hang out with me.
I want to stay alone, and now my phone gets blown up with requests to go out.
Tsk, the timing of it all.
I went out with friends yesterday.
Today, Ember decided to text me.
She wanted to go see a movie.
Usually I would be all for it.
But I know her.
She.....at first I thought she and I would get along.
But she only likes to gossip about relationships.
And when it comes to beauty and whatnot, she puts me down and builds Sam up.
I don't mind. Sam needs the confidence booster.
But it bothers me that whatever I say she has to go and twist it to her own enjoyment, or she will leave me out of things. Such as sitting together, or stuff.
But when it comes down to it, her friends don't really care about her.
They don't tell her assignments, nor do they give her heads up about anything.
Which, in respect is quite sad.
So I just let her push me around. I mean, she complains often she has no friends.
Though, she confessed she enjoys talking to me because I don't take offense to her remarks, and she feels more at ease talking to me because there isn't a language barrier.
But sometimes, I can't stand being around her.
Slowly I can't stand being around Tony either.
He always is trying to pick a fight.
I think he wants Sam and Gerald to get together, or he likes to tease Sam about the whole thing.
I don't know. But it makes me uncomfortable around him sometimes.
More so he likes to act all tough, but when it comes down to it, he is a sissy.
After the shooting in front of my apartment, he refuses to drive down that area.
Because he is scared something will happen to him.
Often asking me, "Aren't you scared?"
Honestly...no I am not.
Maybe it is from where I grew up.
Out of all the Americans, I am the only one who grew up in a bad area in a city.
They are all from the country side.
Growing up near south beach, and dealing with the "Ghetto" wannabes, as well as always hearing gun shots, it doesn't scare me anymore.
Which, I think isn't a good thing at all.
But I can't help but feel that he, and the others are way too scared about things.
I should be more careful when it comes down to it.
After all, I am still a girl, and I don't look like the people here.
I am an easy target if they wanted money.
Sometimes, I wonder who would miss me if I disappeared.
My family is pretty big, but it is just always one of those thoughts that comes to mind when you are alone.
I know people will miss me.
In fact I can hear a few people lecturing me about my well being and how I should be careful.
But it is funny.
Because I am a nice, well mannered, with a high patience, people often think I am fragile.
That I can't handle things.
I can though.
A few days ago, I was wondering who I am.
I still don't really know who I am.
I don't think I will ever find out fully.
But I am still me.
I know what I want.
What I love.
Dislike, and like.
I know how much I can handle.
Today was a pretty good day, overall.
But randomly the feeling of abandonment, the feeling of not being wanted by that one person sinks it's teeth in me.
I go from laughing, back to trying to hold back tears.
Tears that won't even come out, even if I wanted them too!
Haha
I guess this is what happens when you lose the one you love.
I can bare with it.
I just wish I could talk to him.
Pass my free time with him again.
To make him smile.
"My heart...it feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you love me too. Just your heart, in exchange for me."
- StarDust
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