Today started off as a good day.
Nothing bad happened at all today. I found out Sam has a new girlfriend! Go her!
But that also made me feel a bit lonely, and made me start thinking of him again.
It is an awful thing for me to just continue to drag it out like I am.
I am truly trying to move on from him, I just keep falling backwards.
I think that is to be expected at least. I mean I love him! To just be fine and move on so easily would seem a little weird.
But yeah. It was a good day overall. But somehow during nursing informatics, I just started thinking of him, I zoned out in class. And it felt like I was drowning. It was pretty hard to suppress my tears.
Usually, I am all for crying, but it is weird crying in front of them because they see me as a strong girl who can overcome anything.
I have just fallen down, thanks to my silly mind when I was clearing out my email to find something I sent myself years ago. I ended up seeing so many of our old emails, and everything rushed back that I was frozen. I was physically and emotionally frozen staring at my screen trying hard not to let it get to me.
I am feeling better now, but there is still that longing feeling I have towards him.
The want to telling him that I love him, and I will always love him.
I know I been feeling better, but that is because I am trying my best.
But it is really hard.
All I want to do is talk to him.
Tell him what is going on, make the silly jokes that I use to with him.
Send him random photos of what I was looking at/doing, and of myself.
To spam him with my feelings and thoughts and my daily life.
It is just such a big change, and I thought that I moved onward.
It is funny how well I was doing, but one little thing threw me back at step one.
I can't...I won't get rid of the emails. Even though everyone has told me I should, that it would be better to because he most likely has already moved on, gotten back on the horse. But I don't mind keeping them. I stored them away in a folder, and hopefully I will be able to look at them with a smile and not cry.
I hate how life decided to work out.
He is a coward. A baby. He is always running away from me....from everything.
But I love him. I just do.
He thinks it will just be easy for me to turn away, but it isn't. I can control my emotions, and I know I will be alright. But 7 years of my feelings growing for him. 7 years of memories, and stories. Of moments I wanted to last forever.
It's hard to turn away from all that.
My friends has asked me why I haven't cried much over him.
It is hard to tell them the truth, so I just tell them it is because he doesn't want me to cry, he wants me to smile. Which I am sure to some level I am correct.
It is easier than telling them, that this is the first time he left without drying my tears and coming back around.
First time I gave it my all, and I still couldn't do anything to show him it is okay for him to love and be loved. That he isn't a horrible person.
First time that I cry over him and he isn't there to soothe me.
He is more than the person I am truly in love with.
He is one of my very close, trusted dearest friends.
I told him everything.
Things that I don't tell others about.
And I thought maybe one day he will know everything about me.
I guess the high school me never really left.
I am a hopeless romantic who just wanted everything to work out the way they do in fairy-tales.
I had a dream last night that he messaged me and we were talking like nothing happened and everything was alright.
I'm exhausted. I am exhausted trying to suppress my feelings, to make myself move on faster.
I realized that I still think about him every moment, he didn't post at all yesterday/today....whatever one will call it since we are in two different time zones.
And the aching feeling of not seeing his post hurt.
Not talking to him was bearable because I knew he was posting.
I am sure that he got busy, or didn't feel like posting.
I hate being like this.
I hate how I still love him when I know he doesn't want to be with me.
I hate trying to put bandages on things.
I hate that things didn't work out.
I hate that the most.
I wanted...I still want, things to work out between us.
But I am not holding on to anymore.
It is almost 2 weeks since I last talked to him one on one.
I miss him like crazy.
For once, I feel like disappearing.
I just want him. I want to talk to him. I want everything to be okay.
I want to stop feeling useless.
I just want to fast forward to the happier moments between us.
Or rewind back to the happier moments, then press pause and just soak it all up.
Honestly...I don't know how people can do this over and over again.
I am a crazy girl, who had a crazy dream to marry him.
Cliche I know. Dreaming about marrying the first person who loves you.
I guess....I am heading off to bed.
I have to shake this off. It isn't good for him, and I know it isn't good for me for the sake of our friendship.
....But I still love him....
No comments:
Post a Comment