Beauty and the Beast

 For the longest time, I always related more towards Belle than anyone else. 

While my old sister related more towards Jasmine. Hah.

Why Belle?
Simply because she and I share common traits.
I don't even mean about the brown hair and brown eyes, but I mean personality wise.

My passion for books, I use to be made fun of for it. Always reading, my classmates use to target me. 

If someone wasn't in part with what they deemed as cool, it made everyone poke fun of the different one.

It is quite lonely. She always felt like an outcast, having no one to actually talk to because she was odd. Sometimes, I get that way.

Today, I was talking to Ember, and I was sharing something personal to her, and the first thing out of her mouth was, "You were that kid that sat in the back of the room being a weirdo, weren't you. I am sure you only grew into being a being freak. You freak." Granted she didn't know that what she was saying hurt my feelings a bit. But it is still completely true. 

She wanted out, and I still want out of my daily life routine. Which is why I decided to take a chance and study in my mom's country. All about new experiences. I still want much more than most people.
Though currently I don't know if I will ever reach it.

As well as her love for someone who is a "beast". Granted her worked out well. All fairy-tales do.

Sadly reality doesn't work that way, otherwise mine would be coming true. But it isn't. Or it is taking so long, maybe there are many flaws in the story. I don't mind that much though, what great story doesn't have horrible parts in it? I want my story to be written as if it is the best story ever. Meaning, I have to take on the pain and heartaches, to have the best times of my life.

I know I am getting older now, and that I should just grow up and let go of such childish thoughts. But that is the thing...it's not who I am. I am a hopeless dreamer.

Why am I posting about Beauty and the Beast anyways? My last post, I had blown up in anger at someone. The reason for this post, is because the person I love has been posting Disney related stuff on the other blog. I have been a Disney girl since I was little. Watching every Disney movie possible. I know almost every song by heart. -smiles- It made me want to post about Disney, but sadly, Disney is also my escape from the real world, since everyone gets their happily ever after. While I am still waiting for mine.

I actually think, he is doing well now. Which is a good thing. I want him to be happy. There isn't anything I want more than him being happy. Thinking he is well makes me smile. After all he deserves happiness! No matter what he says. He isn't as bad as he thinks he is.

He openly posts his feelings on that one blog....I wish I was actually as strong as him and do that. Instead I hide behind this blog. Why? I am scared of him actually reading what is going on in my head. I don't want him to get upset or feel guilty that I still very much love him. Besides that, I complain a lot. I am sure he doesn't want read about my complaining about life, and how much I miss and love him, and how I hope he and I will end back up together. Wishful wanting. That is all it is. He wants to get his life together, and get out of this cycle. To be honest, I still think I am the bad one, not him. He wants to do the right thing, while I want to continue doing what was making me happy.

So why this blog? There is a less chance he checks this blog. He is trying to distance himself, and trying to keep busy, so maybe he doesn't read this blog. I don't know, and doubt I ever well. Which is a good thing. This is now the only place I can ease myself. It is also why I try to purposely make each post as long as I can. Most of it is now my rambling, whatever comes to mind. The longer it is, maybe it will dis-interest him. I mean, I make sure I write out quite a bit so even I get tired of looking at it. Also the coloring is a bit off putting. Hahah.

Am I trying to push him away? No way! I want him next to me. I want to talk to him so badly. I want to tell him everything I post on this blog. I want to run my mouth to him for hours until I bore him with every little detail of my life and try to open him up to find out about him.

But again, he doesn't want that. I see his posts, and I try my best to not mind it so much. Though they make me happy, just knowing he is alive makes me happy. Though I feel like I am being left behind. He seems to be getting on track with what he wanted, and I am still stick. I take two steps in the direction he wants me to go, but I end up falling backwards by 4 steps. It has gotten tiring to keep trying. I realized that today while talking to Sam. She wanted to know how I was holding up. Everyone in London Bridge wanted to know if I was okay Sunday. And I told them I was.

I still wait every once in a while. I log onto yahoo messenger in hopes a miracle will happen and he messaged me, or he wants to talk, or something. But life doesn't work that way. It's okay though. I think that is just part of the process. I regret saying I want to go through the whole breakup normally.
It is too hard! I don't know how people do this. Even though I am busy, really busy, I still end up dazing off thinking of him. Maybe it is only because it has been a week since I last talked to him. About 2 weeks since I last emailed him. So I am just not use to any of this yet. Which is actually funny, because I remember I use to give up on emailing him if he didn't reply after a while, but I centered everything to making sure he was emailed, and knows he is loved.

I told him that I was going to be here always. And I still am. I promised him I would email him no matter what, that I will always be his friend and here to talk to him no matter what, and even if he let go, but how can I do that when all I have is a blog.

Honestly, I don't want to be a bother and just post "I still love you" etc., every post....hahah, though I do that here. It's okay here though. This is my blog. He isn't allowed to post here, so he doesn't have to see what I write in here.

I just miss him. and I just want to tell him, but I don't want to make things awkward between us. After all, he is trying his best. I said I was, but life has gotten too much, so I am taking a break from trying. I will eventually get back up. Maybe next week? Or the following week....but all I know for now, is that I love him. So damn much that I would do anything for him. And not being with him includes that...sadly, since it is what he wants.

It is now safe to end this post. -smiles- It has gotten really long, no one in their right mind would actually sit down and read this. I would, I like going back and relearning about my emotions I had.

Just going to say it once more, "I love him. I miss him."