So tired

Got complimented today by many people today. I feel very drained. 

Don't you ever wish to just be imaginary? Like alive but not really? So when bad things happen it's not because you are a small insignificant being in a vast universe that ultimately makes no difference the outcome of your life, but it's because it's for the story? That there is rhyme and reason to everything and why things happen and unfold the way they do? 

Sometimes after work, I sit in the car and wonder if anyone will ever just reach their hand and grab mine without hesitation, without thinking. Just doing by instinct. 

I just poked my eye while rubbing it. It now hurts. I keep thinking, what if I never was born. Funny story, I was conceived while my mom was on birth control AND parents using protection. It's a running joke in the family I was a mistake since they were doing everything possible not to get pregnant. While on the other side of that very coin people would state, "you are that small percentage, it means something." It's something that always sits on my mind. I was a mishap. Maybe that's why I have this unhealthy need in putting everyone first but me. 

I'm great at closing a door behind people when people no longer want or need me in their life..I'll smile and make sure they are okay as I get left behind. 

I'm getting too deep too late in the night for myself. I'll start spiraling and I can't afford to do that when I only have myself to talk to about things. 

When I close my eyes, a vivid image of me always appears in my mind. It's always me falling backwards into a void of unknown only to grab a rope before the shadows engulf me, but it leaves me hanging unable to go or do anything but dangle there. 

Been a moment since I last post a "long" post, I'm just currently in my mind and feelings with only this as my outlet.