Younger Self

Was talking to my friend about growing up and how we look at ourselves. I always felt pitiful. I don't really stand up for myself. But I'd go to war for those I care about. 

I have so many things I wish I could tell my younger self. The me when I was a toddler, the me in elementary school. The me in middle school. The me in high school. The college me. Even the last few years me.

Toddler me: I was adorable. 

Elementary me: just because I am the younger sister doesn't mean I have to measure up to my older sister. It's okay to cry and feel lonely and overlooked. Just speak and reach out. I am smart. I am gifted. I am a good person even if I couldn't make friends easily. There's people out there who do enjoy your company, it just takes time to find them.

Middle school me: the world isn't against you. Life just sucks. No one meant for you to grow up and internalize everything. It's okay. It wasn't fair to you that you had to be responsible and keep things together. It wasn't fair to always be compared and never feeling like  you weren't good enough. You were enough. 

High school me: being lonely isn't the end of the world. Feeling the need to please everyone and prove you are Filipina enough or white enough isn't right. You are an amazing combination of both. You shouldn't have shy-ed away from things just because it made people look at you. 

College me: crying over everything is fine. You never really stop being a cry baby. But just because you are hurting doesn't mean you get to hurt yourself. You get better. You do pass college and the stress and feeling like a failure doesn't go away but you do make peace with it. 

2020s me: I have no words. We made so many mistakes. And chances are we'll do them again. You'll be okay. You are a survivor. Even if you can't breathe. Even if everything crashes down and you have nowhere to go. Even though most of your time you are masking because you still feel like you get judged or won't be liked. You'll be okay. One day we'll be okay. As of now, we aren't. We are dealing with horrible anxiety, and mask like no tomorrow, and fall into playing a role in life just to make it to the next day. But you still see light in everything. And you are still soft despite everything and honestly that makes a huge difference. 

(Baby-ish picture of me. I miss the beach)

Toddler, baby me:....I am sorry for how I treated you as I grew up. And how I'll most likely still treat myself in the future. But I'll never stop taking one day at a time. You'll have so many ups and downs, and do so many things. Even if it feels like you can't go on, I'll make sure we do.