Just don't read this. Please. Just don't.

Okay, so I been doing quite well with everything. All my emotions are usually in check.

But I swear this show sometimes brings them back out.

I know that is all it is.

But after watching Derek die, I can't help but get all...all me again. Yes I know it is just a show.

And honestly, I don't care. I love the characters. 

The love relationship, the couple was one that I always admire, despite all their hardships, and life being an asshole to them, they made it. Even though there were times were they would have been better off without each other. They decided to be together anyways.

I cannot believe he died. I mean, I already knew it, but still. It was hard to watch.

I wish I had someone in my life like that. I know, television isn't real life. I get it. I just kind of wish it could end up like that. The happy ending. 

I really want that.

I always thought of relationships as hardwork, and I don't fall easily. But I do fall hard. I been writing in my "secret no so secret journal" about everything, and it doesn't really help, it does, barely. 

I know I have problem showing how I truly feel. I get it a lot, I always come off as indifferent towards those emotions.

I don't hate him. I still love him. I know and understand what he wants. But right now, I want to be weak. I get every right to be weak without judgement because I know an hour or two later, I will take a breath and push those emotions back where they belong, for the sake of friendship.

IT is a hard road to get everything back to normal.

But real feelings just don't go away, no matter how hard we want them to.

What do I wish? I wish he tried harder, I wish life wasn't so messed up. I wish there was something I could do to change everything.

But I can't.

I really don't want him to read this, I know I am posting this on here, but that is slightly because my journal is downstairs, and I am very lightheaded and don't feel like going down to get it, but I need to clear my mind.

I want someone to think I am worth it. Worth it all. Pain, waiting, everything.

I am still young. I have my whole life ahead of me.

But I wish love stories like Derek and Meredith were true. I know I would give anything to have the love adventure they had. Even if he did end up dying.

I love that show so much.

It hurts my heart, but it also helps me.

It distracts me, and makes me focus on their fictional lives rather than my life.

In this moment of weakness, I just want to say, I still want him. I still love him. It is wrong, he doesn't want it, but for now, I just want to say it. It will pass over time. Like everything else, when one knows it won't happen, it goes away slowly until it isn't there anymore.

But right now, it is still here. I love him.

And I am not drunk. I haven't drank anything in a week.

But Sam and Ember have been out of reach, so I am left alone with my thoughts. So this is my moment of weakness, my moment to want what I can't have. The moment, where I wish there was a magic button to make everything okay in that area of my life.