Troubles

Since I am mobile, I can't fix the alignment of this post. I will just do that later.

So I slept for only 3 hours last night. 

I was jumping between Jigoku Shoujo: The Three Vessles, and Xena: the warrior princess. 

But I ended up dreaming. 

Of course of him. 

It was weird. I know I dreamt of him, but my mind refuses to let me recall the dream. 

But when I try and think of the dream, my heart starts to race and my heart feels ever so heavy. 

I am pushing myself too hard. I know I am. I should take it slowly. 

Actually, I feel like I am killing my liver. Since there is a sharp pain. 

Haha, that would just be awful if something is actually wrong with me. 

I doubt there is. 

I always think something is wrong with me

So....he posted he was on messenger. 

Reading those words...the pain in my heart made it feel like someone was trying to kill me. 

It took almost all my self control not to message him. 

I swear it is killing me not to talk to him like before. 

Though I am happy how things are. At least he is here. I just can't talk to him. 

I always just have to whisper, "everything will be alright"

I hope so. 

My grandma called me eariler thos morning. She yelled at me in tears because my mom actually refused to send the money. Though I agree with my mom, I had not told her to send or not to send. I just informed her like they wanted me to.

So they all think I am behind it. 

My grandma kept telling me I am the devil's child and how much she hates me. 

I never understood why she dislikes my older sister and me. We never did anything to her. 

I am suppose to go back to Duero this weekend for dance practice for a fesita next month....but nevermind that. 

I am dropping out. 

I feel unwelcomed if she is in that kind of mood. 

My mom tells me to not let it get to me. 

I guess that is all I can do. 

I am getting tired. 

School and my family is draining me.

I miss him.

So much.