Reconnecting

With those people I knew back in middle school, and beginning of high school.

Before I went to Monarch. When I was in the awful ghetto school Coconut Creek. 

Why am I reconnecting with them?

I feel lost. 

I am not use to this feeling. It isn't normal for me. I've been through heartbreaks before. But never did it cause me to fall this hard and caused me to stay in a basically drunken state. 

Those people from that time, knew me before everything. 

It is interesting to see what they remember about me. 

It is almost all good things. 

Smart, cute, great listener, those kind of things. 

But among that was little things that I didn't expect some of them to say. 

One friend said I was always fearless. I was able to get in front of the student body and make a complete fool of myself without wanting to disappear. 

Another one, said I was a bitch. -laughs- I don't blame him. I was. More so to him than anyone else at the time. 

Whenever we would be near each other, it was always a fight, headbutting. It resulted in a really nice friendship. He also said it was because of me he was able to come out to his family about being gay. 

The girl remembered me as glue. I kept our small group together, and always helped them out whenever they needed it. She told me she remembered the time I begged my mom to let her stay over for a week while her mom was searching for a place to live. 

It touched me how many memories everyone had of  me, and how often they think of me. 

I could go on and on about what they said, but it would be really long.

Hopefully, even though I am scrapping myself, beating myself up, getting cuts and bruises, hating myself right now.

Hopefully that disappear. 

For the sake of everyone who depends on me. 

As well as myself. 

Day time rambling, from after talking with people, has made me feel a little, very little bit better.

Still scared to sleep, and wanting to be locked away in my room is all I can do for now. 

But... within every darkness there is a light.

If I can't find one...I will just have to relearn how to create it.

Which is easier said than done.