It has been a while....

Last post was what? Sometime in 2013.

Many things has changed since then. After all it has been almost 3 years.

Everything was bound to change.

I am currently in the Philippines. And studying Nursing like I planned to back in 2011. 

I may be a bit late about it, but at least I am now in 2nd year. Hopefully I will actually continue and graduate. Would be depressing if I didn't. Though I am no longer giving it my all.

I don't know anymore.

I feel so lost nowadays.

I feel like crying, and I don't. 

I feel like dying, but I want to live.

I'm lonely, but I have so many people around me.

I'm so pitiful. 

I want what I lost, but it is out of my grasp.

I don't even feel like myself anymore.

So what do I do?

I turn back to this sad excuse of a blog.

Maybe I will write like I did?

After all this was like a friend when no one else was there.

I think back and this blog makes me miss Jen. 

I wonder how she is doing...where she is.

Am I easily forgotten? 

Easily erased out of people's lives?

Today, I went out for a walk. A part of me wanted to continue walking and never return.

But that nagging feeling in the back of my mind made me turn back around. I have too many responsibilities.

Every since I was 10 years old. Ever since my younger sister was born, my older sister decided to rebel. Putting a strain on my family. I didn't...I don't fit in with them. Any of them, no matter how hard I try. They love me unconditionally, that I do know. After all I am their daughter.

I am always told to hold my tongue. Everything will get better. Don't talk back. Behave. 

I always done what I was told, always done what was right. I never rebelled, never really done anything out of line. Always did what I was suppose to do.

But...the one time I didn't. The one time I decided to go all out for something I wanted. Something that many people has told me time and time before not to. I get burned. Maybe they were right?

But at the same time I was always told to follow my heart, to chase after what I want, to go for it....but now I wonder if I should have. All I did was cause pain. I caused so much pain. I was selfish. I was stubborn. I did things I never would have done.

I don't regret any of it. It made me happy. I was truly happy. 

But at the cost of others happiness. 

That wasn't worth it. I feel awful for causing such pain. I would give anything to remove it. To allow those to feel happiness once again. 

I learned now that I can never get what I want. 

I should just learn to accept that I can't change fate. I can't bend the universe to my will. 

That my positive thoughts have no actual affect on anything.

I been acting like a child. Living in the clouds. 

It doesn't matter anything.

I still love him. 

I have always. 

I don't know when I will get over him. But for the sake of his sanity, I hope I do soon. 

He doesn't want my feelings. It's a mere burden to him. So I have to find a way to rid of it. 

I caused trouble to my uncle's girlfriend. I caused trouble to my grandma. I caused trouble to my mom....I ruined my two friends here, and now I caused trouble to the one person I love. 

Just early morning ramblings. Nothing makes sense at 4am. At least I had gotten sleep this time.

Since last Saturday, I wasn't able to sleep. I took a few minutes for napping to get through a day, but it always caused me to wake up with a heart racing fear. Fear I wouldn't wake up. Fear. Sleep is something I fear of right now. 

So I just stay awake. 

As a future nurse, it's a horrible thing.

Should I even be a nurse? 

I'm slowly losing confidence in myself.