I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice. Last time I watched that movie I was in 8th grade.
I am suppose to be studying for my exams tomorrow.
Though it will only be 2 exams, my Informatics class hasn't created their midterm yet.
I remember around this time last year I was freaking out over my exams.
This time I am not.
I don't know why I am not. I haven't studied at all. I have just sat here watching movies every night since I got home from school. I been posting more of the conjointed blog instead of this one.Though I can freely ease my mind on here, and I think I make up the lack of posting here with the length of each post. So it becomes the same amount.
What sucks about life, is that things never work out the way you want them to.
I been working my mind on what has been going on in my life. And it comes down to...none of it is fair. So whoever stated life isn't fair, they were more than right.
I will be alone this weekend again.
My cousin is going back to Duero after classes are let out, so she can tend to our trees. Though mine doesn't need as much tending to since they have gotten pretty big as it is. Hers are just seedlings planted last week. So I will be alone again. Though I was offered to go off to Jhen's place for a fiesta, I don't know if I really want to. After all I will be leaving everyone as soon as I am done with schooling here. I'll be starting all anew again. But I will decide later if I should do, maybe to be polite? I am shy to be around her family, I never met them and I don't want them to feel like they have to make things perfect because I am an American. It always happens that way. It took a long time before Sam's mom treated me like a normal person. She would always refer to me as Ms. Ammons, even if I was in their car or if they were dropping Sam off and I was there. It was really awkward for me.
Yna's mom calls me that, but in a teasing way, she is the only one who treats me as one of Yna's normal classmates.
Oh! That reminds me, I got my PCR forms signed by Mama Berou (Yna's mom) today, as well as my DR notebook. While signing it, it is the instructors' duty to ask questions from the notebook. For the love of everything, I have been off my game so badly due to life. Every question she asked me, I stared at her and told her I could not recall the answers she was looking for.
It was embarrassing to stand there in front of both sections of my level and not be able to answer a single question. It was to the point she told me to ask a friend. Thankfully, Marco was next to me, and offered to help me. He is a sweet boy. Hard to believe he is well mannered for only being 17 years old! He is also one of the few males in the class I am comfortable around. He bothers me during class hours by walking by and poking me. Such an annoying act. I asked him once why does he feel the need to poke me randomly. His answer was, "You look sad, and it is better when you smile. We're all a family, no one should be alone or feel lonely."
He has good intentions. I am glad that he cares deeply about everyone. He is also my gaming buddy.
Back to the PRC and notebook!
So after he gave me the answers and I repeated them three times to Mama Berou, she gave me back my stuff and told me I should take nursing more seriously.
I am questioning myself now. Would I make a good nurse?
Am I even cut out to be a nurse? I barely know what is going on in class, though I somehow manage to help everyone else to understand what is going on.
I have very little ability to speak the native tongue, so I feel so useless when I have to go out of my way to find someone to translate for me when my limited language prevents me from interacting with my clients.
Yes, I can read and write in Cebuano, but speaking it seems to be a problem for me. I keep mispronouncing the words. I forget to not use the English sounds. So I end up sounding weird, or saying the word completely wrong.
But at least I try, the instructors find it amusing since they talk to me in pure Binisaya and I respond in English to them without missing a beat.
But I honestly don't know what I am doing with myself now.
Everyone is telling me I already gone so far, I might as well finish what I started.
But I am losing my footing in my studies, I am caring less and less. Maybe it is just I have been here too long. I may try and persuade my parents to let me go back to the states in December.
I know my writing/English speech, is suffering greatly.
My friend, Patricia from Cali, she is going back to the states. Maybe she hasn't decided yet.
She started school here, on another island. But she can't handle things here. Granted she is all alone, no family here, came here on a whim for her boyfriend at the time, and he left her while she was in the hospital basically dying.
I feel bad for her. I wish her the best happiness ever! She deserves it.
This has gotten long, should be safe to write that I still love him.
With all my heart.
Even if he says it is wrong.
Sadly, I have found it hard to decide who one falls in love with. And it is really hard to stop.
It hurts, but not much I can do but allow the pain to be there and go on with life.
I just wish I could talk to him.
I want to email him.
I want to ask him what he has been doing.
I want to engage in a conversation of anything and everything.
I want to go back to our little world that we had.
I love him.
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