I had just ran around the campus, and off campus with Sam and Patch.
They had to print out their assignments from our Informatics class. Which they were having problems creating in the first place. They were crying over the documents until I told them they were being silly because the problem was quite simple to fix. Same with Tony, he was there when we had gone to the internet cafe. He said he was there since Health Education ended. Which was around 10:30 AM! And we went there around 2 PM, I asked him what was taking him so long, and he said that it was due to the fact his files wouldn't open and he was recreating the files instead but he was having problems working the newer edition of Word. So I also offered to give give him some pointers on how to use it. He was thankful.
I was useful to them.
And Ember! I haven't gotten the slightest idea of what is going on with her.
I adore her, she is like a younger sister to me, because I am ALWAYS taking care of her. I seriously do. I sit down in class with her and go over the assignments she missed.
Though I was just asked by our instructor if I had done her assignments. I told her no. I don't do people's work anymore, I help them with the formatting of the documents or powerpoints.
Thankfully the instructor decided to drop it before I opened my mouth. Tubio, one of my favorite instructors, backed me up. She has seen me sitting next to Ember and telling her what she needs to do and helping her along. She also knows I finish everything within 30 minutes so I have an hour and a half of free time doing nothing at all, or I just do it at my apartment and pass it the next day at the beginning of class.
I also answered all the DR questions from Mendez!
I had known her personally since last year during my RLE 1.0 class. And she was always strict on me, and I tend to freeze up if I am not confident in myself. She had asked me easy questions. I asked her why after she was done with evaluating everyone. She said it was because she heard me talking to the others and explaining to them each question she was asking the students before me. So she didn't have to ask me the hard questions. The questions I got were "What did you use as your supporting towel?" "Why do we give the mother Oxytocin?" "What do we use to check the patency of the anus?" Those type of questions. Which were by far easier than what it could have been, like yesterday's "Why is it necessary to use eye prophylaxis on the newborn during cord dressing?" "What are the mechanisms of labor and explain them to me." Those were a couple I had zoned out a lot yesterday. Today I was more determined because it was Mendez. She is by far one of the more stricter instructors, she gives tough love. So I was happy she decided to go easy on me. Last time she made me do an oral in front of everyone I was shaking badly, and I got scolded and told I would fail at being a nurse. It was over medicine tickets. -laughs- I was so upset with her back then, I hated her. But now, even though she scares me when I have to go to her for tests/quizzes/checkings, I love her teaching me. Her telling me I am doing something wrong makes me feel like I am actually learning. She is amazing at her job.
Even though I haven't been at the top of my game, somehow I am still going forward.
I know for the past week, now almost two weeks, I have been going on and on about him, and complaining. But I am being selfish. I know I am.
I love him. And he is having problems with this whole situation. I am not being considerate. I am only thinking of myself.
Why? Because he is still one of the people I would consider a best friend.
But I have a feeling he doesn't want to go for friendship. He....I really want us to at least remain friends. I don't believe that our conversations will become plain and painful. I don't believe there will be awkward silences.
I am friends with a few of the people I have dated. Granted I have never loved anyone before him. But I do believe it is possible. It just takes time. After nothing bad happened between us, so there isn't any reason we couldn't become friends.
Though! If he wasn't so darn stubborn, then we would be a couple. But it is okay.
I don't want him to leave my life. I enjoy him being there.
But I cannot force a person to stay.
He might be thinking we were never meant to be.
I think differently.
I honestly don't think that it only comes down to people meaning to be together. It is work. I already know relationships are work.
I think he and I were suppose to end up together. We were suppose to be each other's happy ending.
But due to writing and editing errors, that may have changed.
But that is also the thing. Everything changes. All the time.
Maybe in the future we will get together. Maybe not.
But when things start to get serious he becomes a coward and runs.
I can never leave him, and he isn't strong enough for relationships.
Though, I don't want to stress him out anymore than I already have.
I want him to stay.
I want him to be my friend.
I want to talk to him.
But that is the thing.
It's what I want.
Not once have I thought what he wanted.
If he decides to leave, I will be okay. One way or another.
I will cry.
It will be hard.
I would hope that he doesn't ever leave. But I wouldn't be able to stop him.
BUT
I would remember him.
I would love him.
I would root for him and his happiness.
I would hope he finds a love that causes his heart to feel like it's not his, that no matter what happens he will stick by her side, even if it was painful. I would hope he find his happy ending.
I would hope/wish him the happiness of a thousand years and more.
And....I would always be there for him. Even if we don't talk. Even if he cut the ties/relations. I will be there for him. If he finds himself unable to talk to anyone, all he would have to do is message me. It is quite easy to get a hold of me. Maybe a little too easy.
But I will always reply without fail. Unless...you know, I died or something.
The conjoint blog is what keeps my mind at ease, knowing he is alive. That is all I want. The knowledge of him being alive.
This blog just helps me clear my head, and empty my emotions, good or bad. It's like a breather to me.
Though, it is free for anyone to read, I don't mind that. After all, I been using this blog as a personal online journal.
I am just glad he doesn't post in here...I don't even know if he reads it.
That would be quite awkward, considering I whine/complain a lot here....with him in the mix. Hahahaha.
I'm sitting at my desk in the computer lab silently laughing because I am acting like a 13 or a 16 year old over my emotions...over a boy.
Maybe this is silly to most people. I know it is. I lectured many people about their relationships. but I always supported the impossible.
After all....when it comes down to it, I technically wasn't suppose to have been born.
My mom was on birth control and my dad used a condom. But somehow I still managed to get created.
At 4 years old, I banged my head hard on the concrete and ended up in the ER, and it was a mess. But I still made it. I gotten lost in so many places. And yet I am still here.
I somehow always made it.
Which is probably why I always believe in the impossible, why I always see the good in everything, why even when I am down I try to smile.
Because I know that I wasn't suppose to be born.
Only because of mishaps of products not working at the right moment, caused me to be here.
My life is hell.
Seriously.
There are so many dark secrets I don't open up to tell others.
Anyways, I love him.
I do hope that he decides we could at least be friends. Or him to at least keep posting. Even if it is about his love for someone, or how upset he is about something, or silly love things. Hahah, I don't mind at all. As long as I know he is alive.
That's all I need to handle things in my life.
That's it.
I am very simple.
After all I don't need much.
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