Misfits and London Bridge

I often go through friends quite easily, I am naturally a social butterfly, both in a good way and a bad way.
I know many people, yet unable to open up to them on a personal level, so it becomes more of just peers than friends.
But since the ending of last school year, I became close to a few girls from class.
Which is more interesting, considering, I was always around guys back in the states.

Still, I had female friends. But not as many as I should. But over here, I have two barkadas. Two groups of friends. Since everyone loves to give their names to their groups, both groups created their own names. The Misfits, and London Bridge.
Fitting for the two groups.

The Misfits...My best friends in school, we are the ones who are looked more towards as abnormal from the rest of the students. Each having our own habits that others don't approve of.
       
London Bridge, we all are about having fun. Of course there are males in our groups, but when it comes to including each other, these girls have each others back. Usually, I am used to having to wait until a group needs another member, but in London Bridge, I don't. They automatically group me with them. It is actually nice.

Lately, I been feeling down. Nothing, and I mean nothing seems to be going right for me no matter how hard I try.

I reconnected with the one person I love, and gained more happiness than I ever thought I could have. Sadly it was short lived. I been feeling broken and waiting to drown in my broken pieces.
I felt, at times still do right now, that I am unwanted and should just hide away.
I am not good enough for anyone.
I  didn't know what a difference it makes to have female friends to open up to.
To cry to.

I bottle up most of my emotions because I hate making people worry about me, but they noticed small details to my daily habits. And easily picked up on that something was wrong.
Instead of telling me I was better off without him.
Instead of telling me to move on, and to have fun.
They listened and hugged me. They didn't say anything bad.
They understood I am hurting, and it wasn't right for them to attack the person I love no matter what was going on.
They just listened.

They aren't happy I am putting myself down. But I know they are there. Just watching.
I feel bad that I am dragging my emotions the way I do, usually I just bounce right back up.
But things just keep seem to be hitting one right after another. If it's not one thing in my life, it's another.

I honestly believe I used up most of my happiness on the short lived love of my life.
And that is fine with me. I have no regrets on that.
But it hurts. It really does.
Though, even with the pain, I can still smile.
I know I love him.
And I know that he means well.
I miss him dearly, and it's as if I have an empty hole in my chest, and I keep wanting to email him, tell him everything. The little things that make me thing of him.
It's a bother to him though. Not that it matters. There isn't a way for me to email anyways.
I always wanted to be his light. I wanted to light up whatever darkness was around him.
Even if it became hard, I knew inside I was able to handle it.
I wanted to make his life filled with happiness and love.
But he decided that it wasn't me that is suppose to be his light.
Even so, I want to remain his friend. And light up the days where it becomes dark.
He would always argue with me that he wasn't good for me.
Something about him being dark and having no light.
But even in the darkest of nights, the stars shine.
The dark is beautiful if it isn't feared.
Sadly I couldn't convince him.

.....I miss him.