Current thoughts...

I am currently sitting on my bed, not wanting to do my assignments. 

I am just tired of school. I will most likely get it done before classes tomorrow. I always managed somehow. 

I been watching old movies. Well movies that I consider to be old. 

Swan Princess, Anastasia, Thumbelina, StarDust, Tuck Everlasting....

And the Princess Bride. 

I love romance movies. But I don't watch them often. 

It usually causes me to think that I will never find that story book kind of love.

I don't think I really want that kind of love.

Okay...maybe a StarDust type. -laughs- Or the Princess Bride. 

Such nice movies to watch.

I don't think he knows that I am still here for him if he ever needs to talk.

Though I doubt he will ever bend and talk to me if he even needs someone to talk to. 

He is such a stubborn boy.

Pushes everyone away. 

But I am still holding on. 

Why?

Because he is a baby who throws fits and he needs to learn that friends don't just turn their backs on each other, even if pushed away. 

I just hope one day we will get to talk to each other soon. 

It is really boring not having him around. 

I didn't realize how often I emailed him about nothing.

It was something I wanted to do, so I never noticed how much time it took from my day.

I need to find something to fill those now empty moments.

So I decided to turn back to this blog.

Confessing my love about him here has helped me more than I thought. 

No judgement, and I do hope he doesn't read this blog. 

That would be a bit...hard to explain why I am still not over him. 

Hah. 

So I was thinking of all the times he and I had over the past 7 years. 

So many things came back. 

I couldn't help but smile. 

The one thing that makes me laugh was the one time he claimed me as his own, with the reason he doesn't want anyone else to have me. 

I think it was that moment that made me realize how important he was to me. 

I knew I always liked him more than a friend after a few days. 

After all I created a big mess.

I always create a mess when it comes to him.

Christian, this girl online, the girl from his home country, and two people he knew from his past. I don't want to write their names in my blog because one of those people almost made me got crazy. 

But the point is, I always made a mess out of our relationship. 

And no matter how hard I try to clean it up, I just keep making it worse.

But somehow, he always turned back to me, made sure I was okay. 

He, without knowing it, his gentle hand was something I didn't expect to see every time I screwed things up.

He never got mad at me. 

Honestly...I didn't deserve him. 

But after a while I grew with him. 

Even know, sometimes when I sleep, I have dreams where he and I are living happily ever after.

It hurts that it may never come to be. 

 The way he thinks, is a bit morbid. 

I feel that he may think I already moved on and he is left in the dark by himself. 

He isn't. 

If I could tell him one thing...

It would be that he is never alone. 

I am always here for him. 

I always love him.

Not that he would listen. 

So I just quietly watch him. 

Thankfully he posts on the conjoined blog.

It eases me to know he is alive. 

I want him to be happy.

He bled for me so much. Always, stressed and worrying about me. 

I didn't think of his feelings. 

I just happily forced him back into a relationship he was trying to get away from.

I think I am one of the most awful human beings in the world for not allowing him to cut ties with me. 

But I am a hopeful person. 

I know I told him I will move on. I will find someone else.

But for now....

I just want to be in love with him.

I don't want to think about someone else.

It took me almost 7 years to realize I fully love him. 

Honestly, I don't want to lose him.

But being with me makes him unhappy, so I just want to watch over him. 

I am helpless and clueless when it comes to love, but I do know how to put aside my feelings, and 

All I want....

is for him to be happy.

Him to find happiness.

To find his "light"

for him not to worry about me. 

Okay...that is a lie.

There is still a major part of me who wants us to get back together.

It's sad.

When I think of marriage, when I think of the person I want to be with, all I can think of is him.

I guess this is what heartbreaks are.

Knowing what you want, but knowing you can't have it. 

I still love him.