Last night-early morning

I didn't want to be alone. I just don't know how to say it. It's foreign to me when someone says they are there with me and not for me. So I push. It's fine. But here I am a mess. Just not wanting to be alone. I'm on my bed crying, wondering where I went wrong. How did one single thought put me back right when I was 16. Dealing with the whispers and looks at being the odd one out. 

Mouse jacket, frozen waffle, and a stuffed panda. Who wouldn't look at me with those eyes. I always got overly excited and spoke what came to mind, without thinking how it sounded or just waiting for the thought to fully form. I wrote paragraphs just saying what's on my mind, spilling my thoughts to others just because. Only to be met with words I needed to tone it down, I am being too much.It's okay, I wasn't bullied in the typical way. Everyone liked me. Picked first for group projects, because they know I'd do the work. Always had someone to sit with, because they know I'd listen and care. So many faces I've come to know, many that faded in the background as soon as I walked out the door. I wasn't alone, but yet I was lonely.

I always worn a mask whenever I'm around others. Just because I am told over and over again, I'm too emotional, and too loud. I'm sorry if I seem to brush things off. It's just how I am, because despite knowing there is someone there who will stay up with me because they care. That one word I stated sent me back to those years where I didn't know how to reach. In the end I'm still that little girl in the closet that wants to be seen even if she is a little to emotional, a little too loud...and a little to much. It's just easier for her to say it's okay to go, because I don't want to be a bother, an unnecessary waste of time that could be spent doing something better; despite the words spoken the other way to make me feel better. 

Good morning Saturday. A lovely way to start the weekend. I'll just stay here in my closet hoping sleep takes me away. I honestly wish what I say and what I think matches sometimes. 

...I'm sorry...