So been a moment since I just randomly wrote out my thoughts. Afterwork thoughts:
For the past 3 weeks, I've been on the same team at work. -smiles- At first, I wasn't too sure about the team, mainly the doctor. But they all have grown on me. Yesterday they were all arguing(not with each other but they were angry) because they didn't know if I would be staying with them or not. They have already been shocked I was constantly with them for 3 weeks. Best thing was when they came bursting into my room mid clean up telling me I'm with them next week. A full month of them. -laughs- I adore them all. They make me feel like I'm part of the team. From making jokes, and now having inside jokes with them, going out for lunch or being snacks on Friday to share. I... I'd be happy if I get placed with this team. The little oddities I do aren't greeted with a disapproval look but a look of amusement. Which is a big thing for me since I get very awkward around new people as well as become a people pleaser. So having them shut me down to make sure I'm not doing or agreeing to things just because I don't want to be an inconvenience for others but because I want to, is very sweet of them
Also having the front desk ladies at the location nearest to the apartment tell me, "they look forward to me calling the patients from the waiting room" because I have such a happy and warm personality that the moment I step in the room changes just slightly. I didn't think they were paying attention to me since I haven't talked to them at all. And to have the surgery coordinator who hangs at the area the team I'm on is, smile and tell me "she can't help but smile when she passes me" because I'm always smiling. It's true though. I usually am smiling. Most of the time it's a forced work "I'm in bedside customer service mode" smile, and not a real one. But for others to smile because I'm smiling.
I'm glad that I have that affect on people still. After how much I have tuned out in the past years, having that light shine out of me again...makes me feel different. Sure I have my moments where all I do is just exist, and barely there. But small moments where it feels like my hand is reaching out and met by something, someone, it's warm. Like life is pumped back in me.
The past years really made me small in ways I never thought I ever would be. Me from college and high school...hell even childhood me would be so disappointed in how small I made myself for years. But they'd be proud that I'm trying now to get out of that mind space. You never see it happen. It starts out small. The little things that you like or have passion about just gets smaller, until you have no interests, no likes and don't want to do anything. That going out alone was punishment because I wasn't nice enough, or that I had too much attitude. That the only peace I had was in the car for a total of an hour a day where I was alone listening to my music because if I wasn't around then I was bad.
I got swept away with everything; and didn't know how to say I wanted off. So I said the right words and did what I thought I had to do. So pieces of me broke off and I let it. I let him take pieces because what else was I supposed to do? But now? No. Not anymore. I found peace with myself. I don't feel overwhelmed most days now. Doing my own things, making my own decisions. It's freeing. I feel free. I don't have to second guess if what I'm saying or doing is right or wrong.
I...haven't felt this peaceful in years. Did I move states because I felt like I had no choice? Yes. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I miss my home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. But no, because I am slowly finding myself again. I'm slowly learning to love myself again.
That's all. That's the big life update. You know something. I keep saying I am going to stop posting on here. That it would be my last post. But this blog has been up since what 2011-2012? I think 2012. I was just a baby back then. I wish I could look at the me who started this blog to just vent and write about things she sees and loves, and about the people she loves. And not be scared of loving people. I'm glad that I was always able to fall back into this blog. Like a safe haven from the world. I don't have a structure when I write. It's so messy. But...that's just who I am. I love fiercely, and I a mess. I'm learning to be me again. -smiles-
So....let's reintroduce myself
My name is Christina. I am 32 years old, and feel older. My heart has been broken and shattered time and time again, by others and by me. I'm taped and glued, holding together with a smile and hope. I love coloring books, cooking, reading, the sunlight, stars...and going on random outings even if it's just out to the park to see the clouds move slowly across the sky. I love watching my sappy soap dramas with the most toxic relationships. I love crying over books, movies and TV shows.
Anyways...yeah that's all.
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