Down the Rabbit Hole Again

 

I want to go back to bed. So tired. 

Wonderland

Managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time last night. Still tired but pushing through. This song may be old but it's stuck in my head..slept with my white rabbit so maybe that's why I had a peaceful sleep last night. I was taken to Wonderland for once. 

 

Blanket

 

It's 10:40 AM. I need to get back on a semi-normal sleep schedule. 8-9 days left, depending on how you count, til we pack up everything into the truck/cars and start the journey north. I am not ready. The dread of everything happening has me frozen and created a sinking feeling. The position I got is great. It'll put me back in the room, and I'd working side by side with the doctor. And the accommodations being made everywhere to make this transition go smoothly is insane. And that's what makes it worse. Why would this new company be putting so much into someone they don't know. To even think I have now a higher position than Antwoine in a way. He worked his whole life in this field. I know he will be proud of me when I go visit them to say goodbye. I can hear him now complaining how I'm moving even further away and how is he going to convince me to come back to my old position. Heh. God I miss that place so much. 

Saying goodbye to friends I reconnected in the past year or two down here isn't easy either. Even though we aren't talking much. It squeezes my heart to say bye. I'm glad Sondra and her sisters are going to make my last Sunday here a big deal. The makeshift family. From moving them all out from an abusive step-father and supporting each other through the years. I always thought the twins and I had a strong bond but it didn't last long with the distance. But Sondra. Her God fearing/loving self always brought out the best out of me even. 

My thoughts have been all over the place and there are times where I just can't turn my brain off. I am that annoying driver in the car next to you that is blasting music at an unreasonable volume to feel the vibration and sound blanket over me and consume my being. That feeling of screaming lyrics at the wheel of the chair no matter how horrible you sound is therapeutic in a way I had forgotten about. Been a long time since I had my car to myself. Between having to keep giving my brother my car to get him and the others to and from work down south and keep a full house from being late. I didn't realize how much effort I put in making the household run the way it did. Having Caitlin move out last month and helping Isaac and Gio get their own car, it's been... different. Haven't decided if I like it or not. I don't have kids, but Isaac definitely I would consider my own since I had to raise him in place of our parents. It hurts knowing he won't be at the same place as me. I am so use to him tagging along wherever I went. And then having Gio make himself at home from the start. Since they both were in 9th grade they'd jump into my car and beg me to drive them around..or help them skip school. And when COVID hit Gio got stranded at our place for months cause we all got sick. And getting them their first jobs to figuring out how to do things as adult. It's just so much. But I'm proud of both of them. They came so far and still going. 

 My parents are also leaving. They going to the Philippines the moment everyone is settled in a new routine. Mom refuses to stay but refuses to leave unless she knows we 3 are okay. Meaning she's going to be going on a long road trip to visit all three of us before leaving. But I'm going to miss her so much. I worry about their safety cause of their age and they are both too trusting of the world and don't think. I feel I should air tag them just so I can track them. 

One good thing though, with all this madness happening, 1 friend. I'll have 1 friend in NC. Ally. She is moving 30-40 minutes out from where I'd be living. She was having a hard time wrapping her brain around having no friends up there but knowing I'm close by eases her so much. And honestly, same. We aren't close as before. But we root for each other. Guess maybe we'll become close again. 

My brain is fried. I just feel frozen right now. 

Sometimes

Woke up tired today. 

 

Woke up

TikTok getting way to personal now. Ha.

 

Keep Your Head Up Princess

It's 11 minutes into Tuesday. I haven't been able to sleep. Sitting outside blasting music in my ears while a luke warm glass of wine sits on the slowly rusting table on the porch. Watching the clouds slowly move along the night sky. 

I don't drink much anymore, but having the glass sit there is a nice. As heavy as my eyes are, I can't sleep to slip into a dreamless dream. Been sitting out here since 9PM listening to songs to comfort my soul. 

If I was in the Philippines, I'd be screaming at the top of my lungs, but since I'm here in a concrete jungle with neighbors who need to sleep. I keep my mouth shut as the time ticks away. 

Maybe it's about time I stop believing in fairy tales and close the storybooks for good. 

 

Skip

 

I stated I wasn't going to post on here. This is my blog...why should I not post? Imma fucking post cause I want to post on here. If you(you know who you are) read this blog...that's on you not me. I do have a backup blog but this is my blog. This is my safe space on a public platform.

ANYWAY

This morning was rough..rougher than I had anticipated. Got all the way to work, sat in the car, had music blasting all around me. Ended up calling out. The anxiety of work, and everything going on got the best of me. Being in tears basically all day Sunday and crying this morning, just couldn't see myself sitting there being at work with such a heavy heart, so I called out. 

Called out and went to the beach and sat in the sand and then went into the water..scrubs and everything was there for a good 2 hours before I felt a bit better and made my way to the cemetery to talk to my adopted grandma. She never understood what I said to her when she was around but she always looked at me with the most loving eyes. I stayed til lunch time and then booked an emergency appointment with my therapist and well that went as well as one expected. 

Got a new charm for my necklace. The original is put safely in my treasure box til further notice. But it felt weird not wearing a necklace. This time I picked something that made me feel weightless. Additional bonus it glows in the dark!  

Still holding my breath but I'm in a calmer state of mind after my day today. Going to go into work tomorrow and sit alone with my thoughts. Marilyn has been a saint with my moody self over the weekend and today. 

Did this before, and lived through it. I'll be fine. Not happy, not at all. Closed off, but I got better over time. I'll get better again..for now. Imma post gifs from shows based on my feelings when I wake up. 

Numb Little Bug

The song on repeat for now. I promise I'll leave.

 

Until Another Lifetime

 I know I said I wouldn't post here anymore.... but I couldn't email you. I apologize. But I wanted to be honest just one last time. Even if you don't read it. 

Today was the day I waited for all week. I wanted to watch that movie with you so badly. I still didn't look it up. I couldn't even press play. I know you said you were still going to watch it. But I just couldn't. If I couldn't watch it with you, I couldn't make myself watch it at all. It hurts too much to. 

It took me years to be remotely okay without you in my life..to remotely be okay with where I am in life. This past 3 weeks have been...well amazing. It made me feel like I could be honest with someone again. Made me feel like I could just be unapologetically me again. I missed you. I miss you so much. I am grateful that you reached out to me. I still think those weeks aren't real. How could it be when we're right back at where we are? 

I know why you are disappearing again. I get it. I just hate it..hate it so much. Hate that you couldn't just step back and then reappear when you are okay to. I hate that I love you. I hate that you love me. I hate that we aren't together..I hate it all. I hate that despite hating all of that....I still love all you. I don't apologize for loving you. Never will. I don't regret loving you still. 

But I do regret letting you in so easily like always. I knew it wasn't going to last. I knew it deep down. I just really wanted to believe you'd stay this time. You may lose pieces of your self. But I lost half of myself this time. It's okay though. It's always okay. 

I am use to saying goodbye. I am. I cannot promise I'll gently take care of myself. I cannot promise that solely cause I have to go back to life without you. I wore the charm to sleep this morning. And I wanted to die. That isn't okay because I know that would hurt many people. So the charm is in your box. It's not to being put away to hide. It's being put away for safe keeping. I can't...I just can't wear it without wanting to not be here. So I have to take it off. Just to remotely say I'll do my best to take care of myself. One day I'll be able to look at it, maybe wear it again when my heart settles, if it settles. Until then it's in my memory box. 

You are more than anything I can say. You deserve so much. Please take care of yourself. Please let love into your life. Us not being together isn't just on you. It was on me as well. But I want you to breathe. I want you to feel something real again even if it's not with me. 

I know how to bottle things up. So thank you for letting me be open and honest..I do apologize that it hurt you and it created a heavy weight in your life. I never meant to do that. I love you still, I love you always. 

Don't worry about the cottage. The dust ants. Don't worry about any of it. I'll destroy it all just to give you piece of mind for you to have the story of us close. That's the very least I can do for you. 

Thank you for being alive. And thank you for everything you did, everything you done, and all that you'll do. I meant it when I say you will be amazing.