The stories we find

 

Disney

 

Okay fine! I'll watch Disney movies instead of of murder shows. Haha. This post has been popping up on my FB feed basically every day now thanks to my friends. -laughs- Guess I am watching Disney tonight.

Belated but not belated

Belated on here, but not in person. I am glad to have sat there yesterday and talk to you. I miss you girl. Sorry that I mainly cried the whole time I sat there.

Eye, Eye, Eye

I have been on a cornea team for the past month since I started my new job mid-April. Technically, I'm not on the team but the team is in denial about it since I've been there for a month already; apparently they can't picture me now leaving the team. Which is nice to know they want me to stay that badly. The team is tons of laughter, jokes and unhinged moments. 

I am, honestly, so happy where I am. It has been 2 months with this place, I love working along side everyone even if it's not with a team I'm with. Everyone is literally so nice and helpful. I'm still getting the hang of refracting patients, so far my refractions have been fine but I am not okay with re-refractions yet. 

Learning about different eye issues/diseases/surgeries have been tons of fun. I am glad I found my footing with this team. Honestly, I do hope I am placed with them because of how I mesh with everyone. 

This place also loves to keep employees fed. Haha. Between snacks and drinks and lunches half the time I end up having to bring my lunch back home or leave it in the fridge for the next day. 

I also forgotten how much I mess being in a work group that does everything together. Kind of makes me think of London bridge. -smiles- Going out for work lunches together, going out shopping. (Which they all still are bugging me about) And now home cooked meals. They truly truly truly love being a makeshift family. I'd be honored and lucky to stick with them.

Sunday 06-08-25 @ 8:50

Some days it may feel like I fell back a few steps, other times it feels like I am doing amazing. Either way, honestly is fine. 

It's hard. Life is hard. My life is harder than some, but not harder than others. I am proud of everyone who got up today; even if they are still in bed. Proud they are pushing through the pain, even if they feel like they have no choice. I get it. I've been there, and I'm still there on some days. So I'm proud of you. 

Pain never full goes away. But some days it's a dull ache, and that's okay. It all shapes who we are and we aren't done becoming who we are meant to be. I don't think we ever truly stop being shaped. 

Be proud of the version you are today. 

 

Little Facts

 

I realized it has been a good moment since my last post. I also noticed I have more views recently since I been posting again. For whatever reason, thanks for rereading very old posts of mine, hah. 

So here are a few little tidbits about myself(realized I did this every few years after a hiatus so long over due)

Name: Christina

Age: Currently 32 but honestly feel so much older. Can't believe I started this blog when I was basically 19 years old. 

Location: Back in the USA, but not in Florida anymore. 

Career/Job: Definitely not a nurse despite degree and experience. I am an OA, and in 6 months hopefully will be taking the exam to be a COA. Realized I loved working with eyes more than anything else.

Favorite color: Still shades of purple, and grey. 

Hobbies: currently rediscovering my hobbies so: drawing, reading, taking strolls and watching shows/movies

Now random facts:

1. Loud noises/being yelled out triggers me into a being silent. 

2. I cry. A lot. Even when I don't want to. Let's not feel bad about it. I cry when happy, sad, mad, or sleepy. Let's be for real, that's just who I am. 

3. I am an over thinker, and typically will react first then rationalize later. It bites me in the ass many times. 

4. I overshare to strangers that I know I'll never see or speak to again, but only about certain things. Those things my be unhinged thoughts. 

5. I tend to distance and push people away when I need someone around me. 

6. I am soft hearted. Relearning it's not a weakness but a strength. But as soft as I am, don't take advantage of it. 

7. I use to love lilies so much. Spider lilies are my all time favorites; but I grown very fond of sunflowers that they are pretty much tied. 

8.  I have a large collection of unused notebooks, and in each notebook I written a quote that stuck with me the day I bought it. 

9. I like sitting on the floor. 

10. I never thought I would be the type of person who made herself small because of someone and lose sight of who she was/is. But I did. And now I'm learning not to do that. 

If you made it this far without being bored by those mundane facts. Thank you. Here's a bonus one that is well known. I am half Asian. Fil-Am.  Filipino American. 

Naibog gihapon ko niya. Human niining tanan nga mga tuig. Wala gyud mausab akong emosyon para niya

Overly Emotional

As my mom would always tell me, "Day you are being OE." (Overly emotional)

Yes, for the past few days I have been. For no reason really other than sometimes I get in my own head. So I'm going to push through it and breathe. 

Sometimes I trip and stumble with who I am and what I'm doing. I started journaling again, fully copying someone's routines a bit. This blog...I do post personal stuff, other times just videos or quotes or a snippet of my day. But my inner personal thoughts are handwritten now. But that doesn't mean I won't post here some thoughts. After all I had this blog since forever.

Honestly, I cry a lot. I whine a lot. Over the weekend I was thinking back on how I was, and how people treated me. I pushed someone important away. And with him I truly don't need to worry with how I am. 

But how do I take how I am? I've been out through the ringer most of my life. Home life, school life, and just life itself. I make my life so flowery and pretty but most nights I recall crying myself to sleep and honestly disliking myself. I would always cover up the invisible wounds because who wants to deal with that? I was always told to smile I could be worse off. Honestly that shouldn't be the case. No one at a young age should worry if family loves them for themselves, worry if they are the least like friend in the friend group....and among other stuff. If I could somehow see my younger self. I would protect her from all the selfish, shallow...toxic people in the world. But I can't. What I can do, I make sure I keep an eye on others. Young and old. I was told I have a light. A warmth. Something I always had. I am a person who love/d people who needs/needed to be love/d. And honestly that is okay.

I am me. I love hard. I feel hard. I cry a lot. And I believe in love and magick. -smiles- I might have bad days, more recently than I would like, but I wouldn't change who I am for anyone. One day someone will love and want me as me. 

 

Monday 06-02-25

 

Last night-early morning

I didn't want to be alone. I just don't know how to say it. It's foreign to me when someone says they are there with me and not for me. So I push. It's fine. But here I am a mess. Just not wanting to be alone. I'm on my bed crying, wondering where I went wrong. How did one single thought put me back right when I was 16. Dealing with the whispers and looks at being the odd one out. 

Mouse jacket, frozen waffle, and a stuffed panda. Who wouldn't look at me with those eyes. I always got overly excited and spoke what came to mind, without thinking how it sounded or just waiting for the thought to fully form. I wrote paragraphs just saying what's on my mind, spilling my thoughts to others just because. Only to be met with words I needed to tone it down, I am being too much.It's okay, I wasn't bullied in the typical way. Everyone liked me. Picked first for group projects, because they know I'd do the work. Always had someone to sit with, because they know I'd listen and care. So many faces I've come to know, many that faded in the background as soon as I walked out the door. I wasn't alone, but yet I was lonely.

I always worn a mask whenever I'm around others. Just because I am told over and over again, I'm too emotional, and too loud. I'm sorry if I seem to brush things off. It's just how I am, because despite knowing there is someone there who will stay up with me because they care. That one word I stated sent me back to those years where I didn't know how to reach. In the end I'm still that little girl in the closet that wants to be seen even if she is a little to emotional, a little too loud...and a little to much. It's just easier for her to say it's okay to go, because I don't want to be a bother, an unnecessary waste of time that could be spent doing something better; despite the words spoken the other way to make me feel better. 

Good morning Saturday. A lovely way to start the weekend. I'll just stay here in my closet hoping sleep takes me away. I honestly wish what I say and what I think matches sometimes. 

...I'm sorry...

 

10:15 am 05-26-25

 

I feel sad today. Like I want to cry. I know he took off just so we'd be off together. But that was when we were in a really good place...being just friends sucks. At least he confirmed he doesn't look at this blog. Or hasn't in a while. So that makes me happy. That means I can't be fully honest without feeling too guilty. 

I miss the flirting, the romantic words. I miss him just lighting up my day. We agreed to be friends. Just friends. At times I think we're doing fairly well. And then a moment happens where there silence. And things I use to say isn't allowed. I've held back so much just because I know he's trying his hardest to be a friend. It sucks ass. 

I'll be fine. I'll always be fine. Today is just a hard day is all. I miss how it was. I miss teasing him and getting under his skin. Who ever he gets with, I know he'll give her the whole world, because despite himself, he knows how to love. And his love is the greatest thing I've ever known.

Random thing

 

Start of the three day weekend

 

Interesting day. Woke up insanely early, had that call from Cess, ended up sitting on my balcony for a few hours just listening to music. Decided to take a short walk to the park nearby. Talked with a stranger about nonsense. He was nice. 

Tasha texted me and I meet up with her and the rest of the team just a bit North of the city. -smiles- went to a cute bakery and got a strawberry cheesecake. Had lunch together. Roamed a bit with them. They wanted me to stay a bit longer but after a few hours I was just socially tired. I told them maybe next week I'll stay out a bit longer. Honestly it was me waking up too early this morning did me in. Hah. Took a nap when I got home. And now....I feel up to doing my nails. So I took everything out of my "backyard salon" so I can get to work. Every time I do my nails it takes about 2 hours because I get so indecisive about colors/length. But I haven't had cute nails in...well 5 months now? Actually since October was the last time I did my nails. That was a cute design too. Hah. So many colors and I have no idea what to do. Let's get creative?

(To think this is only half of what I use to have. Hahaha. God I miss weekends with Gio just messing with nail/makeup and hair stuff.)

Saturday Time Difference

 

Sleepy...but awake. Got a video call from Princess out of the blue. She and I were close, really close friends. She still considers me one of her best friends. I still do in some ways. She was there for me for so much in the Philippines. She has two kids and is happily married. 

She reached out to me about 1-2 months ago and started talking to me on and off again. I have never been good at keeping many conversations going with friends long term, despite how I seem. Life gets busy, and people get distracted. And I've always been the one to fade in the background not wanting to inconvenience anyone with my presence. She is the same way. So she reached out because she picked up our year book from 2018(took them 7 years to have them ready for pick up, thank goodness my parents are there and picked mine up yesterday.) Now the difference between USA year books and Philippines year books ...the quotes/saying that personal writing area. Here in the States we can write a quote we like to saying. In the Philippines, a friend writes something about you. Something meaningful that they want the world to know. -smiles- When she read hers the first person she thought of was me. Not because of the English, and the grammar, but because of how the paragraph describing her made her feel. That made her very happy, that she reached out. Originally she wanted to show me mine. But I want to wait until I have the physical copy in my hands. Which would be in the next week or so. I just remember Sam, Jhen, Yna and Princess wrote something about me. I'm not sure who's got picked and put in. It was a group decision that the person isn't apart of -laughs- Solely based on friendships. 

God. It's so early and I'm not feeling a bit down. I miss the bond that I had with them there. Whenever one of them reaches out to me I get so happy for a moment and then I back off because...I don't know why. They still call me Mama Bear(I'm older than them by years, and I always was the protective one with the group). -smiles- but yeah, she video called me randomly to show me her baby girl. She wanted to show her who I was because I might do much to her and asked if it was okay to video call everyone once in a while. I told her it's perfectly fine to do so. I  hope that no matter what Cess knows I'll always answer her call/message. And she can make sure I'll always be there for her and her kids no matter what. 

Anyways, we talked for 15 minutes before he little girl got cranky and needs to be out down for a nap. Cess kept bringing up things that pulled at my heart strings a bit. Bittersweet memories. I know she didn't mean to, we were reminiscing about college. College was a wild ride for me on all ways possible. Looking back on it...I have no doubt I was meant to go there for schooling when I did. Even though that was the worst timing in so many ways in other areas of my life. I had irreplaceable memories from those years, even if I didn't 1.5 years basically drunk with a few of my classmates. As much as I am always tempted to drink again, I'm glad I don't.

I guess that's all for this morning. He is currently on my mind. I woke up at 3:30 this morning from a thought about him. And basically been up since. Anyways! Before I make this too long, because word vomit and such, I hope today unravels as a good day. 

-Until next time.

Just an update and thoughts

 

So been a moment since I just randomly wrote out my thoughts. Afterwork thoughts:

For the past 3 weeks, I've been on the same team at work. -smiles- At first, I wasn't too sure about the team, mainly the doctor. But they all have grown on me. Yesterday they were all arguing(not with each other but they were angry) because they didn't know if I would be staying with them or not. They have already been shocked I was constantly with them for 3 weeks. Best thing was when they came bursting into my room mid clean up telling me I'm with them next week. A full month of them. -laughs- I adore them all. They make me feel like I'm part of the team. From making jokes, and now having inside jokes with them, going out for lunch or being snacks on Friday to share. I... I'd be happy if I get placed with this team. The little oddities I do aren't greeted with a disapproval look but a look of amusement. Which is a big thing for me since I get very awkward around new people as well as become a people pleaser. So having them shut me down to make sure I'm not doing or agreeing to things just because I don't want to be an inconvenience for others but because I want to, is very sweet of them

 Also having the front desk ladies at the location nearest to the apartment tell me, "they look forward to me calling the patients from the waiting room" because I have such a happy and warm personality that the moment I step in the room changes just slightly. I didn't think they were paying attention to me since I haven't talked to them at all. And to have the surgery coordinator who hangs at the area the team I'm on is, smile and tell me "she can't help but smile when she passes me" because I'm always smiling. It's true though. I usually am smiling. Most of the time it's a forced work "I'm in bedside customer service mode" smile, and not a real one. But for others to smile because I'm smiling.

 I'm glad that I have that affect on people still. After how much I have tuned out in the past years, having that light shine out of me again...makes me feel different. Sure I have my moments where all I do is just exist, and barely there. But small moments where it feels like my hand is reaching out and met by something, someone, it's warm. Like life is pumped back in me. 

The past years really made me small in ways I never thought I ever would be. Me from college and high school...hell even childhood me would be so disappointed in how small I made myself for years. But they'd be proud that I'm trying now to get out of that mind space. You never see it happen. It starts out small. The little things that you like or have passion about just gets smaller, until you have no interests, no likes and don't want to do anything. That going out alone was punishment because I wasn't nice enough, or that I had too much attitude. That the only peace I had was in the car for a total of an hour a day where I was alone listening to my music because if I wasn't around then I was bad. 

I got swept away with everything; and didn't know how to say I wanted off. So I said the right words and did what I thought I had to do. So pieces of me broke off and I let it. I let him take pieces because what else was I supposed to do? But now? No. Not anymore. I found peace with myself. I don't feel overwhelmed most days now. Doing my own things, making my own decisions. It's freeing. I feel free. I don't have to second guess if what I'm saying or doing is right or wrong. 

I...haven't felt this peaceful in years. Did I move states because I felt like I had no choice? Yes. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I miss my home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. But no, because I am slowly finding myself again. I'm slowly learning to love myself again. 

That's all. That's the big life update. You know something. I keep saying I am going to stop posting on here. That it would be my last post. But this blog has been up since what 2011-2012? I think 2012. I was just a baby back then. I wish I could look at the me who started this blog to just vent and write about things she sees and loves, and about the people she loves. And not be scared of loving people. I'm glad that I was always able to fall back into this blog. Like a safe haven from the world. I don't have a structure when I write. It's so messy. But...that's just who I am. I love fiercely, and I a mess. I'm learning to be me again. -smiles- 

So....let's reintroduce myself 

My name is Christina. I am 32 years old, and feel older. My heart has been broken and shattered time and time again, by others and by me. I'm taped and glued, holding together with a smile and hope. I love coloring books, cooking, reading, the sunlight, stars...and going on random outings even if it's just out to the park to see the clouds move slowly across the sky. I love watching my sappy soap dramas with the most toxic relationships. I love crying over books, movies and TV shows. 

Anyways...yeah that's all. 

"-Was epic for her"

...They were the great love story."

Late nights mean obsessively watching things that make me cry.

"you think you have forever...but you don't."

 

Lunch break-A moment to breathe.

 

Half way done. I got this, anxiety and everything. I got this....my throat is killing me, I think I'm losing my voice.

Song of the moment:

 

05-19-25 @ 9:00AM

 

I am stressing. Anxiety is high today that I can't shake. Just got to keep breathing today. I got this. Lunch time is almost here. And I'll be able to crash out in the car and hopefully keep it together. 

It's Monday.

 

...well let's start the day. 

Woke up too early...

10:56 AM

 

The world sucks. Protect that heart and soul with all you got little girl.

2:32 PM

Movie hopping and landed on one of my three main favorite movies. 

 

10:07 AM

 

Can't even doom scroll because everything decided to just be all, "oh you're thinking of him? Here's sad ass shit every other video/post." Already bad enough I'm refraining from reaching out. But now I got to hear the beginning of every sad song and sad quote?...ugh.

May 17, 2025 @ 7:53 AM

 

Finally the weekend. Alone with my thoughts today. I would write them here but I don't have the energy for that right now. So I'm just going to lay here and...

11:11

 

You are my "Austin". 

Mother's Day

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a Mommy's girl. She is always the one I ran towards when I was a kid. Always the one who I turned to when something happened. Granted last few years I have slowly pulled away from her. But she's my mom. She's not a perfect mom in any aspect. She doesn't cook, she has a quick temper, refuses to apologize, and anything that said that doesn't agree with her is back talking. But that's how she was raised. Firm and strict Filipino mom. But she always bent when she saw how badly we were hurting. Always made the impossible seem possible. 

She moves mountains to make sure each kid of hers was safe without a second thought.

When Isaac came out, and was scared to tell her who he truly was and she looked at him and happily accepted him. Accepted the relationship of his and Gio's. When I tell her I am unhappy and I wanted to quit my job, she looked at me and said do it, I can always find another.

My mom lives in the now, worrying and stressing about something you have no control over does nothing but creates frown lines. 

I will admit I miss my mother daughter dates because I got so busy these past few years. But she knows I am always here for her. She called crying Friday night stating she wanted to go home. Something is telling her to go home. Grandma's death anniversary is next Sunday, and she misses home. Instead of worrying if I'd be like Sara or Isaac, she knows I'd figure out a way to send her and my dad. 

Even though someone else is my home and holds my heart. I will never stop loving my mom and wanting to make her smile. She been through hell and back so many times and all she ever asks for is a hug from her kids. I love spoiling her whenever I can. Sucks she won't be in the same country as me this mother's day but I know she's smiling and telling everyone back in the Philippines she is on the way. I now know the ache of wanting to be home. I never want her to ache like that. 

This woman is a superwoman: kind, selfish, loving and strong. I hope I keep her sense of wonder of the world alive.

I love you mom.💝

There'll be stuffed animals and treats for when she gets back.

(Disclaimer: first pic we are not drinking alcohol, but sparkling juice because I'm fancy like that on New Year's.)

P.s: The amount of photos I have with my mom are insane. Apparently I love taking photos of her and with her. But these are a few of my favorites. One from 2014 though. The rest are from 2021-2025. 

Just For A Moment

Today sucks. Sucks so horribly. My head started hurting so badly, so I went down for a nap. Just woke up. Not a long nap. But waking up....it all came out. The tears I been holding steady all day. It just flooded out in the silence of my room. So today sucks. Deep breath....and exhale. Stay steady.

And tomorrow is going to hurt so badly for different reasons.

I guess I should go and eat been well over 24 hours since I ate something. 

What did I use to say on here when I was a teen? Oh that's right...

Until next time...'Ciao~

Eventually

One step at a time is all one can do. 
 

To early in the morning

 

.... Just bare with it for now. I'm still steady. I'm still here.

Stress and more

 

I haven't had time to just get back on here. Between packing and making sure the move will go as planned. I been busy and stressed. But...I also haven't been too stressed.

This week, so far, I've had a good week. Someone been keeping an eye and helping me handle myself with more grace than I have been. And he...he's been great to have back in my life. I don't think he understands how much he has helped me and keeps me steady recently.

Last full day in Florida is tomorrow. Can't say I'm too excited. But he gave me a nice idea to help find myself again. I'm going to have a reading area in the new place. And let myself get lost in the different worlds I had forgotten about. I have a concept for what I want to do for it. And I am a bit excited to have a little me area for a change.

The week been boring for the most part. No exciting adventures. No last minute planning for seeing people. Saw everyone I needed to already. 

My friend Morgan also just got a job offer. I am excited for her. She finally got back out of her small town(she hates being there) and finally going to be working at a place where she isn't working with food. She has come a long way. From me helping her escape her ex boyfriend and his girl, and then helping her get back to her mom's house. (Literally one end of the country to the other.) Through all her ups and downs, she is finally able to focus on herself. I can't help but smile when she messages. It's no longer messages if unhappiness, it's messages of excitement and thrill of her new and latest adventure. She gave up so much to get to this point. Left her husband because of the lack of love and feeling trapped. Left her exes from them using her for money and a place to stay. To now her being with someone who genuinely gets her, and lets her be herself. 

Taking a short break from dealing with long winded patients. But I been in a good mood recently. 

Second Family

 

Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. Both good and bad. Said see you later to my sister from another mister. Thick and thin even through silent periods of our friendship, we have always made our friendship work. 

It was a heavy and light day. We talked about things that pained us. Things we kept bottled up. Neither of us wanted to separate without settle the air between us with our issues so we can share the other's burden. True I don't always tell her everything. It's not from the lack of confidence I have in the friendship. I just have a hard time telling people how I truly feel. Hard time admitting when I can't do something or if something is too hard for me. More so with someone who thinks I can hold up the world when it is falling. 

Stuff I told her, did hurt her. I could tell it on her face. She felt guilty as my closest friend. But it's not her fault. We don't see each other in person as much as we should have. Being adults is hard but managing work life and personal life and having to face things we don't want to feel/deal with. And she is a softie. She was a 1 year ahead of me. Just like the Ibarra twins. -laughs- Yay for the cut off dates for school. 

The girls and I definitely  had a pamper day. We did face masks cause girls gotta be beautiful. Baking, as well as just girl talk. God I miss girl talk. Even though her sisters and her mom did give their opinions, they gave it out of love. And no judgement. In fact they flat out to me if anything happens that I am welcome to come home to their place. And don't stay where I'm unhappy. Mama took me aside and held my hand and told me she wants me to know it's okay no matter what path I take and to never stay if unhappy. Telling me her own divorce stories and how she wished her mom told her what she was telling me because she was in really bad positions because she waited too long and had no one to turn to til she was on the street with 3 babies. The gentleness she showed me yesterday made me cry. She honestly always thought of me as her daughter since Sondra and I became friends. Her other daughters understood that I may be the only daughter out of their family who ran into the world unsheltered. 

I haven't been to their house in a little over a year. And I forgotten how calming they all are even if we feed off each other's chaotic energy. The youngest and I basically bounce off the walls with laughter and plots/schemes. While the middle one just as a go with the flow attitude. But Sondra is the soft sister who even when mad doesn't look threatening. she is apparently nicknamed a "chi-weenie" cause she's like a chihuahua, she shakes so much and is adorable. -laughs- 

We ended up playing CAH and of course Angel and I both tied in the end. Our dark humor....poor mama, she played with us but her heart and cards she played....she said she had to leave the table to wash herself from the darkness of the game. -laughs- But she loves playing with us. 

Ended the gaming with Mario party. Played 2 different ones and a few of the boards. The girls think I hustled them cause I "didn't know what I was doing" which was the truth. I have 1 Mario party game. Which wasn't the ones we played. So I didn't know the mini games and needed to be instructed. Add in I have everyone play with a full controller. -laughs- I also ended up stealing people stars. Haha it was no mercy. I got to admit within a few months my reflexes on gaming gotten a lot quicker. Which I didn't realize considering the people I do game with who basically live to game online. 

I even stayed for dinner. I haven't had someone cook me food in...well years. Even when I go to my MiL's I'm still in the kitchen cooking. And his grandma criticizes me if I am not in the kitchen doing "what a woman and wife" should do.  It's very disheartening to have to always hear that from his family and be forced to fit a role. So it did make me feel very emotional that mama made me sit and food was already made from her love. -smiles- I felt happy. Genuinely happy for the first time in a while. 

We ended the dinner just talking and discussing cultural differences because they wanted to know more about the Philippines and how my mom's culture is because I rarely talk to them about it. 

By the time I was ready to leave, Sondra broke down in tears. It...hurt. I wanted to cry too. But after she broke down, the other two started crying and then mama felt so bad because she felt she was losing a daughter. I had to take Sondra outside and calm her down. She is so scared something will happen to me and she'll never see me again. And worried if something happened to this family who will come running if they need someone to keep it together. Not that she expects me to solve her problems but because I am her sister. We sat there talking about how many things happened between us since highschool. How many heartbreaks we survived even when we couldn't talk about it right away. And how even when I moved to the other side of the world, we stayed in touch. We stayed in touch. There may have been silence every so often, but if anything happens or one of us needed the other there was no question if we could reach out. We've spent countless hours talking with oceans dividing us and I came home. She needed up so tired. I started stroking her head and she leaned on me. In the moment, I started crying and it was like we both were back in highschool. Baring ourselves and not knowing what to do or where in life. 

She and I both have been through a lot in different ways. If I could have stayed the night I would have. Our eyes got tired after an hour of just sitting outside talking about our dreams, wishes and about love. I felt so small in that moment. I left her at the door..when I left her when I went to the Philippines it wasn't this hard. I know it's not a goodbye because I can always make that drive happen no matter how late. And they know they can come up to see me whenever they wanted as well. 

I enjoyed yesterday so much. And if I was being honest....I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay there. Stay there and figure myself out.

If I known

Was talking to London Bridge this evening. If I known how my life was going to go, I would have embraced the group so much more. I would have actually embraced so many things from back then. 

From the random outings we had, and randomly bursting out in song in the stairwell while Sammie played the guitar and Yna, Jhenskie and I tried our best to sing songs with her. While laughing with everyone cause we could never keep a straight face when doing it. Same whenever we tried learning a new kpop dance. 

Listening to us laugh and joke around brings sad warmth to my heart. I drifted from the group greatly. I still talk to them but it's not the same as before. 

I don't sing with as freely as I did back then. I don't dance anymore. And I gave up reading. I finally picked up a book and read it cover to cover. It's been so long since I've done that. It's the first time in a long time that I actually felt like the world wasn't spinning so fast and I was able to breathe just a bit easier while in the world of a princess and a berserker. 

To walk around aimlessly in two bookstores taking in the scent of old books and seeing all the creases in the spins. Pulling books just to see the stains and rips of when they were owned before. Not having to worry to hurry through and find something to go home. I was able to get lost between the rows of books for hours. It didn't matter I was a bit hungry. It didn't matter the time. I missed that grounding feeling I felt whenever I hurried to the bookstore or to library. 

To be closed off in the spare bedroom away from everyone and everything for hours without being yelled for or having to think for others. I managed to find 1.5 books today. 

I am slowly figuring myself out. But hearing my happy voice with laughter did bring me tears. I want to sound that happy again. 

If I knew what I would be feeling nowadays. I would tell myself to slow down and cherish these moments a little longer.

 

Down the Rabbit Hole Again

 

I want to go back to bed. So tired. 

Wonderland

Managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time last night. Still tired but pushing through. This song may be old but it's stuck in my head..slept with my white rabbit so maybe that's why I had a peaceful sleep last night. I was taken to Wonderland for once. 

 

Blanket

 

It's 10:40 AM. I need to get back on a semi-normal sleep schedule. 8-9 days left, depending on how you count, til we pack up everything into the truck/cars and start the journey north. I am not ready. The dread of everything happening has me frozen and created a sinking feeling. The position I got is great. It'll put me back in the room, and I'd working side by side with the doctor. And the accommodations being made everywhere to make this transition go smoothly is insane. And that's what makes it worse. Why would this new company be putting so much into someone they don't know. To even think I have now a higher position than Antwoine in a way. He worked his whole life in this field. I know he will be proud of me when I go visit them to say goodbye. I can hear him now complaining how I'm moving even further away and how is he going to convince me to come back to my old position. Heh. God I miss that place so much. 

Saying goodbye to friends I reconnected in the past year or two down here isn't easy either. Even though we aren't talking much. It squeezes my heart to say bye. I'm glad Sondra and her sisters are going to make my last Sunday here a big deal. The makeshift family. From moving them all out from an abusive step-father and supporting each other through the years. I always thought the twins and I had a strong bond but it didn't last long with the distance. But Sondra. Her God fearing/loving self always brought out the best out of me even. 

My thoughts have been all over the place and there are times where I just can't turn my brain off. I am that annoying driver in the car next to you that is blasting music at an unreasonable volume to feel the vibration and sound blanket over me and consume my being. That feeling of screaming lyrics at the wheel of the chair no matter how horrible you sound is therapeutic in a way I had forgotten about. Been a long time since I had my car to myself. Between having to keep giving my brother my car to get him and the others to and from work down south and keep a full house from being late. I didn't realize how much effort I put in making the household run the way it did. Having Caitlin move out last month and helping Isaac and Gio get their own car, it's been... different. Haven't decided if I like it or not. I don't have kids, but Isaac definitely I would consider my own since I had to raise him in place of our parents. It hurts knowing he won't be at the same place as me. I am so use to him tagging along wherever I went. And then having Gio make himself at home from the start. Since they both were in 9th grade they'd jump into my car and beg me to drive them around..or help them skip school. And when COVID hit Gio got stranded at our place for months cause we all got sick. And getting them their first jobs to figuring out how to do things as adult. It's just so much. But I'm proud of both of them. They came so far and still going. 

 My parents are also leaving. They going to the Philippines the moment everyone is settled in a new routine. Mom refuses to stay but refuses to leave unless she knows we 3 are okay. Meaning she's going to be going on a long road trip to visit all three of us before leaving. But I'm going to miss her so much. I worry about their safety cause of their age and they are both too trusting of the world and don't think. I feel I should air tag them just so I can track them. 

One good thing though, with all this madness happening, 1 friend. I'll have 1 friend in NC. Ally. She is moving 30-40 minutes out from where I'd be living. She was having a hard time wrapping her brain around having no friends up there but knowing I'm close by eases her so much. And honestly, same. We aren't close as before. But we root for each other. Guess maybe we'll become close again. 

My brain is fried. I just feel frozen right now. 

Sometimes

Woke up tired today. 

 

Woke up

TikTok getting way to personal now. Ha.

 

Keep Your Head Up Princess

It's 11 minutes into Tuesday. I haven't been able to sleep. Sitting outside blasting music in my ears while a luke warm glass of wine sits on the slowly rusting table on the porch. Watching the clouds slowly move along the night sky. 

I don't drink much anymore, but having the glass sit there is a nice. As heavy as my eyes are, I can't sleep to slip into a dreamless dream. Been sitting out here since 9PM listening to songs to comfort my soul. 

If I was in the Philippines, I'd be screaming at the top of my lungs, but since I'm here in a concrete jungle with neighbors who need to sleep. I keep my mouth shut as the time ticks away. 

Maybe it's about time I stop believing in fairy tales and close the storybooks for good. 

 

Skip

 

I stated I wasn't going to post on here. This is my blog...why should I not post? Imma fucking post cause I want to post on here. If you(you know who you are) read this blog...that's on you not me. I do have a backup blog but this is my blog. This is my safe space on a public platform.

ANYWAY

This morning was rough..rougher than I had anticipated. Got all the way to work, sat in the car, had music blasting all around me. Ended up calling out. The anxiety of work, and everything going on got the best of me. Being in tears basically all day Sunday and crying this morning, just couldn't see myself sitting there being at work with such a heavy heart, so I called out. 

Called out and went to the beach and sat in the sand and then went into the water..scrubs and everything was there for a good 2 hours before I felt a bit better and made my way to the cemetery to talk to my adopted grandma. She never understood what I said to her when she was around but she always looked at me with the most loving eyes. I stayed til lunch time and then booked an emergency appointment with my therapist and well that went as well as one expected. 

Got a new charm for my necklace. The original is put safely in my treasure box til further notice. But it felt weird not wearing a necklace. This time I picked something that made me feel weightless. Additional bonus it glows in the dark!  

Still holding my breath but I'm in a calmer state of mind after my day today. Going to go into work tomorrow and sit alone with my thoughts. Marilyn has been a saint with my moody self over the weekend and today. 

Did this before, and lived through it. I'll be fine. Not happy, not at all. Closed off, but I got better over time. I'll get better again..for now. Imma post gifs from shows based on my feelings when I wake up. 

Numb Little Bug

The song on repeat for now. I promise I'll leave.

 

Until Another Lifetime

 I know I said I wouldn't post here anymore.... but I couldn't email you. I apologize. But I wanted to be honest just one last time. Even if you don't read it. 

Today was the day I waited for all week. I wanted to watch that movie with you so badly. I still didn't look it up. I couldn't even press play. I know you said you were still going to watch it. But I just couldn't. If I couldn't watch it with you, I couldn't make myself watch it at all. It hurts too much to. 

It took me years to be remotely okay without you in my life..to remotely be okay with where I am in life. This past 3 weeks have been...well amazing. It made me feel like I could be honest with someone again. Made me feel like I could just be unapologetically me again. I missed you. I miss you so much. I am grateful that you reached out to me. I still think those weeks aren't real. How could it be when we're right back at where we are? 

I know why you are disappearing again. I get it. I just hate it..hate it so much. Hate that you couldn't just step back and then reappear when you are okay to. I hate that I love you. I hate that you love me. I hate that we aren't together..I hate it all. I hate that despite hating all of that....I still love all you. I don't apologize for loving you. Never will. I don't regret loving you still. 

But I do regret letting you in so easily like always. I knew it wasn't going to last. I knew it deep down. I just really wanted to believe you'd stay this time. You may lose pieces of your self. But I lost half of myself this time. It's okay though. It's always okay. 

I am use to saying goodbye. I am. I cannot promise I'll gently take care of myself. I cannot promise that solely cause I have to go back to life without you. I wore the charm to sleep this morning. And I wanted to die. That isn't okay because I know that would hurt many people. So the charm is in your box. It's not to being put away to hide. It's being put away for safe keeping. I can't...I just can't wear it without wanting to not be here. So I have to take it off. Just to remotely say I'll do my best to take care of myself. One day I'll be able to look at it, maybe wear it again when my heart settles, if it settles. Until then it's in my memory box. 

You are more than anything I can say. You deserve so much. Please take care of yourself. Please let love into your life. Us not being together isn't just on you. It was on me as well. But I want you to breathe. I want you to feel something real again even if it's not with me. 

I know how to bottle things up. So thank you for letting me be open and honest..I do apologize that it hurt you and it created a heavy weight in your life. I never meant to do that. I love you still, I love you always. 

Don't worry about the cottage. The dust ants. Don't worry about any of it. I'll destroy it all just to give you piece of mind for you to have the story of us close. That's the very least I can do for you. 

Thank you for being alive. And thank you for everything you did, everything you done, and all that you'll do. I meant it when I say you will be amazing.