What if it all works out?

Been having a lot of big emotions, and sometimes I get way too overwhelmed and feel like I'm loosing my grip and that I rather just let it all go. But somehow I end up tightening my grip and I make it through another day of everything. 

Full disclosure, I suffer from depression and anxiety; along with almost always experiencing imposter syndrome when I'm at work or around friends/peers, resulting in me breaking in the seams of my life. Today was the first day I broke down in complete utter tears. Sat in my car, the music broke through me and everything I have been feeling broke free and I started screaming and had a full blown crying session in my car, lasting 30 minutes. By the time I was done, my throat was hurting, my eyes heavy and I looked awful. Did the weight I felt slide off? No idea. But I feel more balanced and my head felt slightly lighter and emptier. 

My last post, I was very frustrated with everything. No idea how I ended up losing my hearing temporarily and had to deal with my sinus acting up for a full month. But it seems to have passed and able to hear like normal and feel so long since I couldn't hear. 

Theses last 3 months have not been easy...living in this country is hard. Living this life is hard. Being alive is hard. But I guess that's okay, being here is only momentary anyways, I have to remember not to rush and compare. 

If I was able to fix myself to make me not be experiencing all these mental/emotional problems, I don't think I would. Every single situation, every single heartache, every single cut, bruise, every blood and tear I lost shape who I am today. I am not perfect. Don't ever want to be. I cry. I hold onto things too long and too tightly. I'm unbelievably annoying and hard to fit in with people with a bad self esteem. But you know what? That's fine. I love and care with all my heart. I would never hesitate to help anyone. I would always give what I have to others who need it more without thinking too hard about it. I never closed off the small amount of softness and love I have to the world. I don't have as much as I had in the past. I am very worn down, very tired. But I'll give what I have until I die or have nothing else in me to give.