Disappointment

 

Sometimes I wonder why my parents, my mom specifically, always feel the need to put me down. Spent last weekend with my parents and it was a dream, laughter, teasing each other. Fun almost 48 hours of them being at the apartment. They come back just 2 days later because they "forgot" something important. Here I was thinking they forgot an actual item. No. My mom forgot to have a long discussion with me about...well me.

What about me? Well, for once I'm not the first daughter that she been hoping I would turn out to be. Meaning fund their retirement, and take care of everyone and everything overseas. Not to mention I'm "no where near where I am expected to be in life", of course compared to my older sister. Apparently I'm wasting my "talent" by not being in nursing anymore. That when mom was in the Philippines and went to the college to pick up my yearbook, and confronted what I do for work it was a major disappointment for her to tell people I'm not a nurse. As happy as I was being a nurse for the short time period I was, I am loving working in the field I am. I still give care to patients. I still reassure them on their worries. I might not be as important as a nurse...but working with eyes has made me realize parts of our bodies we don't pay any attention to.  But...it's not enough.

Pointed out my flaws and how childish I still am compared to my siblings and why I don't have as much as they do. Despite her knowing that I give a good portion of my money to her for the Philippines to make her happy. I have a savings. If something happens, I'll be fine for a few months without any worry, and I am resilient and able to figure things out on my own. But yet...that's not enough. 

I'm the only one who sent her to the Philippines because she feels the doctors here are "not as good" as the one she sees and her back injury needs to be fixed. When they were there I made sure they had money to have fun and enjoy festia; short lived happiness and for her to complain she wants to go back and wants me to pay for a maid overseas as well as construction since the typhoons over the years did a number on the house. I don't mind helping but it is expected I will make sure it happens. Does my other siblings get asked? No. Never. It was "embarrassing" to her when I can't give her what she wants when she wants it. I chose a less stressful job on purpose. But unless you are a nurse, doctor or engineer, you aren't "living up to your full potential". And it coming from my mom who always did what she could...I get that I have the degree, I have the brains to go back into nursing, but I don't want to. I don't have the heart for it anymore...I don't think I ever did to be honest. I give care. That's what I want to do. Give care. 

I know my mom wasn't lecturing me out of malice. It's the culture. It's the expectations since they can't rely on either of my siblings. It's soul crushing knowing if I fully break away from those expectations I leave my parents in a very hard position in my mom's culture and in her family. 

I just feel...I'm failing who I am supposed to be. 

This morning while I was getting ready for work, my mom's side comment of, "you look cute. Maybe you should study more instead of worrying about how you look." Just because I told her yesterday I been brushing up on my pharmacy medications (I am tired of patients asking what a medication they are taking is for and my brain buffering) and studying for the COA. 

Its just a bad moment nothing else. I'll have to keep that in mind. I feel like a complete disappointment in so many ways now. Only positive side is the understanding on my personal situation in life, just not career or how I look. 

Being the not pretty sibling takes its toll sometimes. Never enough or always too much.