Was talking to London Bridge this evening. If I known how my life was going to go, I would have embraced the group so much more. I would have actually embraced so many things from back then.
From the random outings we had, and randomly bursting out in song in the stairwell while Sammie played the guitar and Yna, Jhenskie and I tried our best to sing songs with her. While laughing with everyone cause we could never keep a straight face when doing it. Same whenever we tried learning a new kpop dance.
Listening to us laugh and joke around brings sad warmth to my heart. I drifted from the group greatly. I still talk to them but it's not the same as before.
I don't sing with as freely as I did back then. I don't dance anymore. And I gave up reading. I finally picked up a book and read it cover to cover. It's been so long since I've done that. It's the first time in a long time that I actually felt like the world wasn't spinning so fast and I was able to breathe just a bit easier while in the world of a princess and a berserker.
To walk around aimlessly in two bookstores taking in the scent of old books and seeing all the creases in the spins. Pulling books just to see the stains and rips of when they were owned before. Not having to worry to hurry through and find something to go home. I was able to get lost between the rows of books for hours. It didn't matter I was a bit hungry. It didn't matter the time. I missed that grounding feeling I felt whenever I hurried to the bookstore or to library.
To be closed off in the spare bedroom away from everyone and everything for hours without being yelled for or having to think for others. I managed to find 1.5 books today.
I am slowly figuring myself out. But hearing my happy voice with laughter did bring me tears. I want to sound that happy again.
If I knew what I would be feeling nowadays. I would tell myself to slow down and cherish these moments a little longer.
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