If I known

Was talking to London Bridge this evening. If I known how my life was going to go, I would have embraced the group so much more. I would have actually embraced so many things from back then. 

From the random outings we had, and randomly bursting out in song in the stairwell while Sammie played the guitar and Yna, Jhenskie and I tried our best to sing songs with her. While laughing with everyone cause we could never keep a straight face when doing it. Same whenever we tried learning a new kpop dance. 

Listening to us laugh and joke around brings sad warmth to my heart. I drifted from the group greatly. I still talk to them but it's not the same as before. 

I don't sing with as freely as I did back then. I don't dance anymore. And I gave up reading. I finally picked up a book and read it cover to cover. It's been so long since I've done that. It's the first time in a long time that I actually felt like the world wasn't spinning so fast and I was able to breathe just a bit easier while in the world of a princess and a berserker. 

To walk around aimlessly in two bookstores taking in the scent of old books and seeing all the creases in the spins. Pulling books just to see the stains and rips of when they were owned before. Not having to worry to hurry through and find something to go home. I was able to get lost between the rows of books for hours. It didn't matter I was a bit hungry. It didn't matter the time. I missed that grounding feeling I felt whenever I hurried to the bookstore or to library. 

To be closed off in the spare bedroom away from everyone and everything for hours without being yelled for or having to think for others. I managed to find 1.5 books today. 

I am slowly figuring myself out. But hearing my happy voice with laughter did bring me tears. I want to sound that happy again. 

If I knew what I would be feeling nowadays. I would tell myself to slow down and cherish these moments a little longer.

 

Down the Rabbit Hole Again

 

I want to go back to bed. So tired. 

Wonderland

Managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time last night. Still tired but pushing through. This song may be old but it's stuck in my head..slept with my white rabbit so maybe that's why I had a peaceful sleep last night. I was taken to Wonderland for once. 

 

Blanket

 

It's 10:40 AM. I need to get back on a semi-normal sleep schedule. 8-9 days left, depending on how you count, til we pack up everything into the truck/cars and start the journey north. I am not ready. The dread of everything happening has me frozen and created a sinking feeling. The position I got is great. It'll put me back in the room, and I'd working side by side with the doctor. And the accommodations being made everywhere to make this transition go smoothly is insane. And that's what makes it worse. Why would this new company be putting so much into someone they don't know. To even think I have now a higher position than Antwoine in a way. He worked his whole life in this field. I know he will be proud of me when I go visit them to say goodbye. I can hear him now complaining how I'm moving even further away and how is he going to convince me to come back to my old position. Heh. God I miss that place so much. 

Saying goodbye to friends I reconnected in the past year or two down here isn't easy either. Even though we aren't talking much. It squeezes my heart to say bye. I'm glad Sondra and her sisters are going to make my last Sunday here a big deal. The makeshift family. From moving them all out from an abusive step-father and supporting each other through the years. I always thought the twins and I had a strong bond but it didn't last long with the distance. But Sondra. Her God fearing/loving self always brought out the best out of me even. 

My thoughts have been all over the place and there are times where I just can't turn my brain off. I am that annoying driver in the car next to you that is blasting music at an unreasonable volume to feel the vibration and sound blanket over me and consume my being. That feeling of screaming lyrics at the wheel of the chair no matter how horrible you sound is therapeutic in a way I had forgotten about. Been a long time since I had my car to myself. Between having to keep giving my brother my car to get him and the others to and from work down south and keep a full house from being late. I didn't realize how much effort I put in making the household run the way it did. Having Caitlin move out last month and helping Isaac and Gio get their own car, it's been... different. Haven't decided if I like it or not. I don't have kids, but Isaac definitely I would consider my own since I had to raise him in place of our parents. It hurts knowing he won't be at the same place as me. I am so use to him tagging along wherever I went. And then having Gio make himself at home from the start. Since they both were in 9th grade they'd jump into my car and beg me to drive them around..or help them skip school. And when COVID hit Gio got stranded at our place for months cause we all got sick. And getting them their first jobs to figuring out how to do things as adult. It's just so much. But I'm proud of both of them. They came so far and still going. 

 My parents are also leaving. They going to the Philippines the moment everyone is settled in a new routine. Mom refuses to stay but refuses to leave unless she knows we 3 are okay. Meaning she's going to be going on a long road trip to visit all three of us before leaving. But I'm going to miss her so much. I worry about their safety cause of their age and they are both too trusting of the world and don't think. I feel I should air tag them just so I can track them. 

One good thing though, with all this madness happening, 1 friend. I'll have 1 friend in NC. Ally. She is moving 30-40 minutes out from where I'd be living. She was having a hard time wrapping her brain around having no friends up there but knowing I'm close by eases her so much. And honestly, same. We aren't close as before. But we root for each other. Guess maybe we'll become close again. 

My brain is fried. I just feel frozen right now. 

Sometimes

Woke up tired today. 

 

Woke up

TikTok getting way to personal now. Ha.

 

Keep Your Head Up Princess

It's 11 minutes into Tuesday. I haven't been able to sleep. Sitting outside blasting music in my ears while a luke warm glass of wine sits on the slowly rusting table on the porch. Watching the clouds slowly move along the night sky. 

I don't drink much anymore, but having the glass sit there is a nice. As heavy as my eyes are, I can't sleep to slip into a dreamless dream. Been sitting out here since 9PM listening to songs to comfort my soul. 

If I was in the Philippines, I'd be screaming at the top of my lungs, but since I'm here in a concrete jungle with neighbors who need to sleep. I keep my mouth shut as the time ticks away. 

Maybe it's about time I stop believing in fairy tales and close the storybooks for good.