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I stated I wasn't going to post on here. This is my blog...why should I not post? Imma fucking post cause I want to post on here. If you(you know who you are) read this blog...that's on you not me. I do have a backup blog but this is my blog. This is my safe space on a public platform.

ANYWAY

This morning was rough..rougher than I had anticipated. Got all the way to work, sat in the car, had music blasting all around me. Ended up calling out. The anxiety of work, and everything going on got the best of me. Being in tears basically all day Sunday and crying this morning, just couldn't see myself sitting there being at work with such a heavy heart, so I called out. 

Called out and went to the beach and sat in the sand and then went into the water..scrubs and everything was there for a good 2 hours before I felt a bit better and made my way to the cemetery to talk to my adopted grandma. She never understood what I said to her when she was around but she always looked at me with the most loving eyes. I stayed til lunch time and then booked an emergency appointment with my therapist and well that went as well as one expected. 

Got a new charm for my necklace. The original is put safely in my treasure box til further notice. But it felt weird not wearing a necklace. This time I picked something that made me feel weightless. Additional bonus it glows in the dark!  

Still holding my breath but I'm in a calmer state of mind after my day today. Going to go into work tomorrow and sit alone with my thoughts. Marilyn has been a saint with my moody self over the weekend and today. 

Did this before, and lived through it. I'll be fine. Not happy, not at all. Closed off, but I got better over time. I'll get better again..for now. Imma post gifs from shows based on my feelings when I wake up. 

Numb Little Bug

The song on repeat for now. I promise I'll leave.

 

Until Another Lifetime

 I know I said I wouldn't post here anymore.... but I couldn't email you. I apologize. But I wanted to be honest just one last time. Even if you don't read it. 

Today was the day I waited for all week. I wanted to watch that movie with you so badly. I still didn't look it up. I couldn't even press play. I know you said you were still going to watch it. But I just couldn't. If I couldn't watch it with you, I couldn't make myself watch it at all. It hurts too much to. 

It took me years to be remotely okay without you in my life..to remotely be okay with where I am in life. This past 3 weeks have been...well amazing. It made me feel like I could be honest with someone again. Made me feel like I could just be unapologetically me again. I missed you. I miss you so much. I am grateful that you reached out to me. I still think those weeks aren't real. How could it be when we're right back at where we are? 

I know why you are disappearing again. I get it. I just hate it..hate it so much. Hate that you couldn't just step back and then reappear when you are okay to. I hate that I love you. I hate that you love me. I hate that we aren't together..I hate it all. I hate that despite hating all of that....I still love all you. I don't apologize for loving you. Never will. I don't regret loving you still. 

But I do regret letting you in so easily like always. I knew it wasn't going to last. I knew it deep down. I just really wanted to believe you'd stay this time. You may lose pieces of your self. But I lost half of myself this time. It's okay though. It's always okay. 

I am use to saying goodbye. I am. I cannot promise I'll gently take care of myself. I cannot promise that solely cause I have to go back to life without you. I wore the charm to sleep this morning. And I wanted to die. That isn't okay because I know that would hurt many people. So the charm is in your box. It's not to being put away to hide. It's being put away for safe keeping. I can't...I just can't wear it without wanting to not be here. So I have to take it off. Just to remotely say I'll do my best to take care of myself. One day I'll be able to look at it, maybe wear it again when my heart settles, if it settles. Until then it's in my memory box. 

You are more than anything I can say. You deserve so much. Please take care of yourself. Please let love into your life. Us not being together isn't just on you. It was on me as well. But I want you to breathe. I want you to feel something real again even if it's not with me. 

I know how to bottle things up. So thank you for letting me be open and honest..I do apologize that it hurt you and it created a heavy weight in your life. I never meant to do that. I love you still, I love you always. 

Don't worry about the cottage. The dust ants. Don't worry about any of it. I'll destroy it all just to give you piece of mind for you to have the story of us close. That's the very least I can do for you. 

Thank you for being alive. And thank you for everything you did, everything you done, and all that you'll do. I meant it when I say you will be amazing.