Okay. This has nothing to do with anyone, but I am getting tired of everyone.
I put myself out there, over and over again.
And what happens?
I am not really needed. -laughs- Here I thought I could brighten up everyone's days, help bring smiles to their faces.
I guess I was wrong.
I guess what I should be doing is to just let people do whatever they want. After all, they only come to me if they need something. -sighs- I really miss being at home. My home back in Florida. Even though no one needed me there, I at least was able to hide away in my books and do my own thing without having to turn my head every few minutes, worrying someone will come to me.
During my Demos for skills lab, my group threw me under. Why? Because they wanted to go alphabetically, and with my last name, I am always first in my group. After I do mine, the rest was not in alphabetically order. They all just wanted to get a better grade on it so they asked me what the questions were, what to do exactly.
Little by little, I am wearing down. I know that is always the reason why they make me go first.
Why don't I voice out and go against it?
I am stuck with the same people until I graduate, so the least drama I start or get involved in the easier my life will be.
Ember suggested I go for Ms. HNU Nursing 2016-2017. At first I thought she was joking. I mean, I am not, very far from even being, one of the beautiful girls. Which made Ember mad. She thinks I am very pretty, or well cute. She loves it when my hair is down. But she is a sweet soul, so she says that to everyone. Though she was serious about it. She claims I would win due to the fact the instructors all love me, that no one hates me. Which Gerald agreed, stating that it was hard to see anyone even disliking me.
Am I going to compete? No.
I know who I am. I am no beauty queen, I am the little bookworm who loves bright colors, funky hairstyles, "stylish" nails, and notebooks. Hahaha, I am not the type who would win something like that.
I became the section mayor again instead.
Everyone says that is what I am good at. I deal with the paperwork, the people, and settle any problems, I go to the meetings.
Also, my uncle is so freaking stupid. In fact my whole family is stupid.
Maybe, sometimes I feel that Sara was right in all of it. Just walk away, and never look back.
I started thinking, what would happen if I drop off the face of the earth. If I changed what I looked like, hair and eye color. Hah, I tanned a bit so I am at least a nice olive color. I plan on maintaining this skin tone. Who would miss me?
I only speak to a couple of people. Ileana, Sondra, him, and now Matt. Though, Matt and him only talk to me when they have time. I am thankful about that. Life does get in the way of things. Sondra is busy, and Ileana talks to me to complain about life, or something. Other than that I just talk to Sara, and even then it isn't often. She just wants to make me watch her game.
I am nearly certain all of my classmates putting responsibility on me throwing me under so they can do well because they know somehow I manage to get a high grade, has just put me off talking to people.
I also ended up talking to Ember about my high school life. She wanted to know the worse thing in high school I learn/experienced. And I told her about Marjan. About how for years thought she was my friend. How she was my first friend in the school, and how I told her everything, and was open to her, then it came and bit me in the ass.
Ember asked if that is why I don't talk about myself to people.
But it also got me thinking, how many people do I consider a friend actually talks behind my back and laughs at me. How many people do I truly trust and they make the rumors about me and lie.
I ended up wondering how many people just put up with me.
I know I am not the most amazing person in the world. I am annoying, I barely have anything to talk about. I love having attention, I rarely say what I want, I pick fights when I am scared of losing something important to me. I force things, I open my mouth and my jokes are never funny.
I am not sad or anything. it is just a thought. How many people actually are a person's friend?
Not many, I am sure. That is how things are, and always will be.
Ugh, I miss him. I haven't talked to him since last time I said I talked to him. I keep messaging but nothing. He isn't even online anymore.
Hopefully he is okay and well. I know he is. -laughs- But still, I am a worrywart when it comes to people important to me.
Well back to doing what I always do.
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