Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. Both good and bad. Said see you later to my sister from another mister. Thick and thin even through silent periods of our friendship, we have always made our friendship work.
It was a heavy and light day. We talked about things that pained us. Things we kept bottled up. Neither of us wanted to separate without settle the air between us with our issues so we can share the other's burden. True I don't always tell her everything. It's not from the lack of confidence I have in the friendship. I just have a hard time telling people how I truly feel. Hard time admitting when I can't do something or if something is too hard for me. More so with someone who thinks I can hold up the world when it is falling.
Stuff I told her, did hurt her. I could tell it on her face. She felt guilty as my closest friend. But it's not her fault. We don't see each other in person as much as we should have. Being adults is hard but managing work life and personal life and having to face things we don't want to feel/deal with. And she is a softie. She was a 1 year ahead of me. Just like the Ibarra twins. -laughs- Yay for the cut off dates for school.
The girls and I definitely had a pamper day. We did face masks cause girls gotta be beautiful. Baking, as well as just girl talk. God I miss girl talk. Even though her sisters and her mom did give their opinions, they gave it out of love. And no judgement. In fact they flat out to me if anything happens that I am welcome to come home to their place. And don't stay where I'm unhappy. Mama took me aside and held my hand and told me she wants me to know it's okay no matter what path I take and to never stay if unhappy. Telling me her own divorce stories and how she wished her mom told her what she was telling me because she was in really bad positions because she waited too long and had no one to turn to til she was on the street with 3 babies. The gentleness she showed me yesterday made me cry. She honestly always thought of me as her daughter since Sondra and I became friends. Her other daughters understood that I may be the only daughter out of their family who ran into the world unsheltered.
I haven't been to their house in a little over a year. And I forgotten how calming they all are even if we feed off each other's chaotic energy. The youngest and I basically bounce off the walls with laughter and plots/schemes. While the middle one just as a go with the flow attitude. But Sondra is the soft sister who even when mad doesn't look threatening. she is apparently nicknamed a "chi-weenie" cause she's like a chihuahua, she shakes so much and is adorable. -laughs-
We ended up playing CAH and of course Angel and I both tied in the end. Our dark humor....poor mama, she played with us but her heart and cards she played....she said she had to leave the table to wash herself from the darkness of the game. -laughs- But she loves playing with us.
Ended the gaming with Mario party. Played 2 different ones and a few of the boards. The girls think I hustled them cause I "didn't know what I was doing" which was the truth. I have 1 Mario party game. Which wasn't the ones we played. So I didn't know the mini games and needed to be instructed. Add in I have everyone play with a full controller. -laughs- I also ended up stealing people stars. Haha it was no mercy. I got to admit within a few months my reflexes on gaming gotten a lot quicker. Which I didn't realize considering the people I do game with who basically live to game online.
I even stayed for dinner. I haven't had someone cook me food in...well years. Even when I go to my MiL's I'm still in the kitchen cooking. And his grandma criticizes me if I am not in the kitchen doing "what a woman and wife" should do. It's very disheartening to have to always hear that from his family and be forced to fit a role. So it did make me feel very emotional that mama made me sit and food was already made from her love. -smiles- I felt happy. Genuinely happy for the first time in a while.
We ended the dinner just talking and discussing cultural differences because they wanted to know more about the Philippines and how my mom's culture is because I rarely talk to them about it.
By the time I was ready to leave, Sondra broke down in tears. It...hurt. I wanted to cry too. But after she broke down, the other two started crying and then mama felt so bad because she felt she was losing a daughter. I had to take Sondra outside and calm her down. She is so scared something will happen to me and she'll never see me again. And worried if something happened to this family who will come running if they need someone to keep it together. Not that she expects me to solve her problems but because I am her sister. We sat there talking about how many things happened between us since highschool. How many heartbreaks we survived even when we couldn't talk about it right away. And how even when I moved to the other side of the world, we stayed in touch. We stayed in touch. There may have been silence every so often, but if anything happens or one of us needed the other there was no question if we could reach out. We've spent countless hours talking with oceans dividing us and I came home. She needed up so tired. I started stroking her head and she leaned on me. In the moment, I started crying and it was like we both were back in highschool. Baring ourselves and not knowing what to do or where in life.
She and I both have been through a lot in different ways. If I could have stayed the night I would have. Our eyes got tired after an hour of just sitting outside talking about our dreams, wishes and about love. I felt so small in that moment. I left her at the door..when I left her when I went to the Philippines it wasn't this hard. I know it's not a goodbye because I can always make that drive happen no matter how late. And they know they can come up to see me whenever they wanted as well.
I enjoyed yesterday so much. And if I was being honest....I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay there. Stay there and figure myself out.
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