Christmas 2018

My first Christmas that I am not single. Yes technically I wasn't single before on a few Christmas', but he and I weren't a couple, we were always on the fence on where we stood.

But this year... I honestly wasn't single. I am in a relationship, on that hasn't had a break yet or a breakup(though a part of me fears it will happen but he reassures me I am just thinking too much cause of the past) i haven't seen Matt in a little over a week. Due to work of course, so we decided to spend Christmas together. And because his brother's girlfriend was also there(finally she never had family dinner with them but I had tons of times) the whole family toasted to her and I welcoming us into the family.

True we have our troubles. I constantly get upsef over every little thing if it doesn't go right. He focuses on his games way more than he should. But after fighting, or having a couple's spat, one of us breaks the tension and we laugh and apologize. 

He tries his hardest. He knows he isn't the best looking guy who was after me, nor was he the one with most money or promise for a bright future. He still worries I may just change my mind and walk away. Little does he know, I wouldn't. Someone who puts me first and cares about my feelings to the point it hurts them when they feel they did something wrong. Someone who is willing to do anything to keep me, willing to go along with my nonsense without questioning me. He doesn't realize that him making me feel safe is what made me fall for him. The fact I can do no wrong in his eyes. That he can never hate who I am....it is the million little things that piled up and made me see him as more than a friend. 

Now, tmi now, I been a virgin for 25 years. By choice. I done sexual stuff but not sex, I always wanted to save myself for the one I will marry, or at least someone deserving. Cliché I know. But it is kinda romantic thinking that. I blame my parents for being literally a walking hallmark love story. Hahaha. Anyways, I am not a virgin anymore. Haven't been since August-September this year. I know he and I weren't together long, but it felt right. And he knew I was and didn't even pressure me about sex. He always asked for consent if he felt he was moving things along too fast for me. I scare easily. After our first kiss I ended up being too shy to talk to him. It was weird. Doing all of this with him is weird for me. All of our firsts are weird to me. I always end up thinking, " this is matt...the loner who was my dorky best friend." And it ends up weird for me. To him it feels right and ends up making me feel ever so comfortable with him. 

I am thankful for all the firsts I get to share with him. And that next month will be 7 months together. It is exciting to think 1 year anniversary isn't too far away.

Til next time 'ciao

Lonely

Today I feel lonely. Life just doesn't seem to be good or going right this month. The harder I try the worse it gets. 

I honestly miss talking to Ashe about some stuff and be comforted by his words. 

Now don't get me wrong, Matt is great as well, but recently I feel like I am being over looked and under-appreciated for being his girlfriend. 

I don't feel well. I have a headache and i been crying most of the evening. Good job Christina. I am forever a cry baby.

1 Day

1 day left til I get my cat back. Tomorrow Matt and I will drive down to Miami international airport to go and pick her up early morning. That means I will get to spend....almost 15-16 hours with him. Hahahaha. And the moment I leave him I will be pouty and wanting to stay just a few moments more.

I went from outgoing independent best friend to the overly needy and clingy girlfriend really quick. Okay it wasn't that quick. Took me a while to open up to him emotionally. But I was the one to say "I love you" after 2 months. Now he says it too. He always said it, but never out loud. Now he says it out loud. It is still weird for him to say it. Not cause he doesn't mean it, or cause it is to me. But because emotionally, he is dead. He is still suffering greatly from his last relationship, even though it was years ago. But the fact he says it with a smile on his face, then looks embarrassed and looks away. He is too good for me.

So! Anyways, he loves me so much he isn't letting me take the tri-rail to pick my sister up. I am iffy on how to get to the airport so I was gonna go that route. But Matt doesn't want to take a chance of something happening to me alone, so he volunteered to take me, as well as hang out with us doing errands and go shopping. 

He doesn't care much about meeting Sara, cause of how she treated me and how easily she pushes me around. He basically wants to shield me from anything bad.

He won't even let me sit on the outside part of a booth. I have to be on the inside. Always on his left side. Always holding his hand, or him seeing me next to him, or in front of him.

He isn't possessive of me. Well he is, but more towards safety, like a guard dog. Unless it is with guys checking me out,or flirting with me. Then he gets all "I am her boyfriend" attitude and rages. Hahahah. I don't flirt anymore. I only flirt with him. By calling him a banana or a butthead. 

One thing I am still getting use to, is the fact he hold my hand and then randomly kisses it out of nowhere. It makes me feel like a princess.

He truly is something else. I just hope he and Sara gets along tomorrow.

Ciaò, til next time.

Family

Next week I am gonna see my older sister and get my cat back. My cat from back in 2012. 😊 I am excited to get my cat back. True I have to see my older sister. I am iffy about seeing my older sister, but Matt agreed to hang around her and I. I am very happy to know he is willing to bum around her and I doing errands. I love the fact he is willing to give up his day off to run around with me and my family.

I feel amazing when it comes to my feelings towards him. He is part of my family. He may have nothing but debt, but...what happens happens, as long as he and I stay together we'll figure things out.

Also so freaking glad that I got my period this month. Truly freaking scared me when it came late.

Anyways, tired. So cìao til next time.

Work

So, while waiting for my papers to process and get approved so I can take the NCLEX here and become an RN, I decided to get a part-time job. Well, it was SUPPOSE to be a part-time job, but I now work the full time hours. -laughs-

I wanted to just pass time and have a little extra spending money. Now I work 5 days and have no time for anything else. My 2 days off is either spent studying, or trying my hardest to see Matt. But there just isn't enough time.

Hopefully in the next few month he'll be able to move in with my family. That is the closest thing so far. His family wants him out, well his stepdad and his brother. His mom wants him to be safe. But she is okay knowing he will be with me, cause she trusts me with her first born. 

Though, I am worried that she is thinking he and I are having sex. -laughs- We have no time to have sex. We are too busy with work and trying to get life together, so that was funny when she talked to Matt about us having sex.

But work. Work takes up so much of our time. I cannot wait til we live together so we won't have to try so hard to see each other. It is tiresome. But I am glad he drive the half hour to see me and about 45 minutes to pick me up from work. I love how he also puts in effort to call me when he has free time just so I can feel at ease from not seeing him as much as I want.

I have a hate/love relationship with work. I love the job, I love the people there, I love the customers. 

Only time will tell if I am cut out for adulting. I better be.

Cìao, til next time.

Time

Time goes by ever so quickly. I am not where I expect I would be when I was 17-18 years old. I definately not with the person I was wanting.

Time changes and goes by so quickly. Like. Damn!

One change that happened recently, Matt and I do phone calls. Hahaha, we call each other during the day time to hear each others voice cause we miss the comforting sound of our voices.  At first it was weird for us cause the last time we talked on the phone was during high school....like 10th grade? Hahaha. We drafted after I stopped calling him. But now we started calling each other again.

So! Monday, I went to Matt's work.. again. Haha, they are just getting use to me hanging around him. So his coworkers have been very happy with the fact his girlfriend has been either dropping off sweets/snacks personally or have him bring in my snacks that I give him when I see him outside of his work. He apparently likes to share them with everyone at work. Hahaha.

When we were leaving after the store closed, one coworker of his named Al, asked if I was related to Matt. I told him no, I am not related to him, but I will be part of his family soon enough. That made every one who was waiting to get out go awe cause Matt happily smiled about it.

Like I said. Time changes things. Everyone there keeps telling me they haven't seen him so....bright and cheerful like he has recently. He was so mopey and depressed since he started working there. Now he is active and always smiling and offering help.

Honestly. I love seeing him get his life turned around. He deserves so much in life. I am glad that me being his is helping him do better.

He may not have been my first choice to be with, but he is my last and only choice. I am glad to be with him. He brings me life and joy. He takes away fear. He holds me. I don't know where or who I would be with if his last relationship didn't end. Or if I didn't reach out to him to talk to cause I was feeling down about Ashe. But he and I both know that we are happy together.

I can't believe how much he makes me blush so easily by just looking my way when we are in a group of people. The way he grabs for my hand to kiss it like I was the Princess. How he holds my face when I am pouty until I crack a smile over him placing his forehead against mine.

He...just makes me so happy.

AND I AM FUCKING GLAD I AM NOT PREGNANT. That was a horrible scare. 😂 

Cìao, til next time

Family

So, yesterday, I ended up at Matt's house, like really late...okay not that late. Hahah it was like 9pm.

He had called me out to have dinner with him during his meal break at work. Considering I don't have a car, I had actually took a Lyft to go to his work. That was the most terrifying thing I have done here since I gotten back. Okay, I rode one before but with Ileana. He didn't want me to take one home, so he had me stay at work with him.

While at his work, I got acquainted with a few of his coworkers. One of them was named Lexii, and the other was Carlos. Matt introduced me to Lexii cause she wanted to know my opinion on her career options and whatnot. Carlos wasn't someone he wanted me to talk to. That happened by mistake. Matt had messaged me to "check in" with him, cause he didn't see me and he was worried if I was okay. So I ended up following him around until he brought me to the customer service area to talk with Lexii again, which he joked he had a gift for her, which was some items, but she flat out said "If it isn't your cute girlfriend then I don't want it. I'll take her if it is my gift." Hahaha. Lexii is such a sweet girl. And then while I was sitting there while Matt was throwing things away, Carlos came up to me talk to about nursing and himself. Which I responded to, cause it would be rude otherwise. After Matt came back, he kept glaring at me, well I thought it was at me. But after like 10 minutes, he told Carlos we had to get going and he took my hand and we walked off. When we were far away, Matt told me he doesn't like Carlos. I had to ask why, cause he doesn't dislike people for no reason. Apparently, when Carlos first saw me he was checking me out while Matt was right next to me. I couldn't help be feel really happy. Matt worries so much about my well being and my needs that he gets upset to the point someone else is checking me out. -smiles- 

When we left, he took me to his place, which I was a bit worried cause it was already 9pm and I am not use to going to his place so late, and I didn't want to disturb his mom. So what did he do? HE BRINGS ME TO HIS MOM! And she had a talk with me. It was really embarrassing. She wanted to make sure that I knew I was welcomed in the household and she along with everyone else adores and loves me. Though she couldn't help wonder what I see in her son, cause he is childish. But she hopes that if I ever decide to leave him, Matt and I will find a happy medium and remain friends because she knows how much I mean to him not just as a girlfriend but as his best friend. And she would hate to lose me as a family member since I been around for such a long time, and the kids love me. I told her that there will be a happy medium if we broke up, cause it would be on our terms and nothing bad will happen.
It was very interesting knowing his mom wants us to work out as much as he wants us to. She apparently also expects tons of future grand babies. Hahahah.
Matt brought me home because it was a raid night and I enjoy watching him game and pouting til he gives me attention. That is usually what I like doing. I like seeing if he will just randomly give me what I want as he is busy gaming. And gaming is really important to him. His whole guild and his best friends know all about me, and they are beyond happy that I decided to be with him.

Matt even wonders why I like him. After all, all he is bringing into the relationship is debt and baggage. Which I get, it sucks cause he feels helpless since he wasn't thinking of getting with anyone and he doesn't want to weigh me down with his crap.
But see....that is one of the traits I love about him. He doesn't just think about himself. He always considers how his decisions would affect me and my family and what he can do to make things better.
But the most important one is that he doesn't let me go. I have already done, as well as said some pretty stupid shit in the 3 months we have been together. And he just...he just puts up with me until I apologize and he just hugs me and smothers me with kisses til I stop feeling bad. He hates me feeling anything bad. He doesn't mind feeling bad but if I do, he'll do whatever it takes to put a smile on my face. Who doesn't want that? Someone who cares so much about them that they would do literally anything to keep them. He...he is just the sweetest person when he is a boyfriend. I am not sure who has stronger feelings, but I do know I am happy with him and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. He has been telling everyone that his home is currently not a place he can go to because we live separately. Honestly, I cannot wait til my parents move into a bigger place, so I can have my own room and Matt can move in. Hehehe. He may not have much, but he has the biggest heart, and I trust him with my heart. I know he'll take care of me emotionally and not break my heart. I only hope I can live up to his expectations on how he sees me. Though he loves me how I am, flaws and all.
And I can happy state that he loves me cause he tells me every so often which is utterly adorable. He still struggles to say it confidently, but he whispers it softly to me when he embraces me tightly. I am glad that he loves me and I love him. Almost 4 months together. 😊

Ciao, til next time.